not too sure how to go about saying all this but basically;
i’ve always known all my weaknesses, e.g. no discipline, lack of practice, pessimistic attitude and i’ve always known how to improve myself, e.g. just determination, practice, etc
but i’m simply never able to convince myself to do it. i know it’s good for me, but i just give up too easily and have no willpower to do anything properly. kind of like the “die is die” attitude if you know what i mean. and no, it’s not a momentary thing. it’s been like that for years. i’m just lazy and avoidant.
another thing is, whenever i encounter a problem, my mind often just drifts to suicide. no, i won’t actually commit to that. it’s just like thats always my last resort. it’s always there lingering at the back of my mind. to me, it’s like a safety net. it’s been months, almost a year like this.
i have a very depressive yet optimistic personality. i just don’t know how to fix this attitude of mine. it’s kind of like the personality people have when they lose hope yet have hope..? i dont know
Sounds like you’ve been carrying this inner fight for a long time — knowing what you should do, but not feeling like you can do it. And honestly, that’s not as simple as laziness. It feels more like something inside just… gave up trying a while ago, right?
you mentioned about drifting to thoughts of suicide. it’s like your mind built that idea as a way to cope. this weird blend of depressive and hopeful feelings combo is hard. Maybe the version of you who hopes just doesn’t feel very strong right now.
What I want to say is… maybe there’s nothing broken in you. What if this has more to do with how much your brain has had to protect you, by checking out, avoiding, or numbing because for so long it didn’t feel safe to try? It’s not a willpower problem. It’s a nervous system that’s learned not to waste energy on something it thinks won’t work.
Maybe don’t start with big goals at all. What’s one small thing you don’t hate doing, even if it doesn’t feel productive?
Would you be open to sharing how these thoughts started showing up more often over the past year? Let’s build from there.
Relatable. I was like that until i started trying out n searching for things that will give my life meaning, purpose and passion. Then there was point in waking up cuz theres something i want to do in the day
Hey @user1847. It’s really brave of you to be this honest. I want to acknowledge you for that. It’s so clear that you’ve put a lot of thought into understanding yourself. That kind of self-awareness takes courage and strength, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
From the outside, it might look like you’re “not doing anything”, but from the inside? It sounds like you’re surviving in the best way you know how. When everything feels heavy and overwhelming, avoidance isn’t laziness, it’s a nervous system trying not to drown.
You mentioned having this “die is die” attitude. It sounds like something in you might have learned to protect yourself by disconnecting from trying, not because you don’t care, but because maybe it’s safer not to hope too much.
What’s been helping me slowly, and I mean really slowly, is doing one small thing and letting it be enough. No guilt. No productivity shame. Some days that “one thing” is literally just letting myself cry without shutting it down.
There’s a version of you that wrote all this, that wants something to change, even if it doesn’t know how. That version matters.
I wonder, what would it be like to meet yourself with compassion instead of criticism, just for a moment?
You’re not alone in this limbo. You’re not broken. I’m really glad you shared this here. You deserve softness too, not just survival 
Hello @user1847, that’s really brave of you to share how you’re feeling. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a heavy weight for a long time. Knowing your weaknesses and how you want to improve but struggling to push yourself is something a lot of people go through, even if it feels like you’re alone in it.
That “die is die” feeling, where giving up seems easier, is often a way your mind tries to protect itself from disappointment or pain, even if it’s not the healthiest way. And having those thoughts about suicide as a kind of safety net, while you don’t plan to act on them, shows you’re coping in a way that feels like your only option sometimes.
It’s okay to feel stuck between hope and hopelessness. Those feelings can be confusing and exhausting. The good news is, there are ways to start breaking out of that cycle, even if it feels impossible right now. Sometimes it helps to start really small, like setting tiny goals that feel manageable, or talking to someone who can guide you through this, like a counselor or therapist.
You don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to ask for help to find new ways to handle these thoughts and feelings. It’s possible to hold onto that optimism and gently work through the depression.
im pretty sure it’s shown up more this past year because i have major exams this year. i’m the type of person who feels really overwhelmed (by every little thing) most of the time, thus i end up slacking and being lazy. (personally i think it became my coping mechanism to stop feeling overwhelmed) but this year, my exams are really important and so i can’t slack anymore; thus i feel pretty stressed now and all my negative thoughts have come back to bite me
for the past few weeks i’ve also noticed ive been talking about how much life sucks and ive definitely thought of my last resort quite a few times, visualising scenarios that i wont do, of course
yeah, i have things to look forward to after my exams but whenever i think about the long run, it just doesn’t feel worth the suffering
also i don’t know if this is relevant but this year i’ve also started to feel a small sense of fear that ill lose control of my own body; like its me but not ME thats controlling it. like i can’t hold myself back from my own impulsive thoughts
ok… yah this helps connect the dots a bit more
sounds like slacking wasn’t random or careless but actually the only way you knew how to survive the overwhelm. like every little task already felt like too much, so stopping everything altogether somehow kept you from breaking
but now that the exams are closing in, it’s like that fallback isn’t allowed anymore. so all the stress, and even the dark thoughts you used to keep at bay… they’ve all come flooding back yeah?
when you said “it’s me but not ME”… that part really stood out. like your body still moves, replies, functions… but part of you is floating somewhere else, watching it all happen. i don’t think you’re going crazy. dissociation is actually really common when the mind’s trying to shield itself from unbearable pressure. it’s not weakness. it’s a nervous system going into overdrive
what’s happening for you right now, like in this moment, where in your body are you feeling this stress the strongest? jaw? chest? arms? just slow down and try naming it. not to fix, just to notice