I have been looking through my old notes/journal/tracker and I have noticed a pattern.
I am consistently and constantly having thoughts on suicide and self harm after experiencing setbacks. Isn’t that cowardly/pathetic? Why do i keep having those thoughts? Is there something wrong with me? I cannot reach out to my professional help as quickly as I could, please help.
Hi OP,
Personally, I can understand why you think that way. I also had the same thought when I was at my depressive period. I’d start having those thoughts, and it morbidly comforts me in a twisted way—like the fantasizing of ending it all can take the pain I’m feeling.
If it’s a reoccurring pattern, I would suggest for you to get checked out by a psychiatrist. I was able to get myself properly checked out a year after I graduated university, and after explaining my symptoms and patterns, the psychiatrist flat out said, “yeah, you have depression.” Amusingly, I never thought that I did have it until that day. I thought that I “wasn’t trying hard enough” to combat my self-harming thoughts, and because I was functional enough (able to keep an okay hygiene, have normal appetite, able to sleep, etc.)
You mentioned that you’re unable to get professional help ASAP. Perhaps you can look for free mental health resources? I got my psychiatrist referral from a counsellor in a youth community outreach organization. You can find several places on SupportGoWhere under the Mental Health category, I believe.
I hope the best for you, OP. Wishing that you can get through it 
Hey @10_CYc13s. It makes so much sense that after a setback, especially if you’ve had a history of difficult moments, your mind would jump to those thoughts. Sometimes, when we’ve been through a lot, our brain wires itself to respond to pain with the same pattern over and over again. It’s not because you want to feel this way, but because it’s become a reflex. And yeah, reflexes can change, but it takes time and gentleness.
This isn’t about being cowardly or pathetic. It’s just a well-worn mental pathway that’s hard to break without new helpful tools.
And it takes courage to notice patterns in your own mind, especially around something as heavy as suicidal and self-harm thoughts. That awareness alone tells me you care enough to understand yourself. That’s where change starts, not with hating yourself for having those thoughts, but with understanding it’s a signal, not the truth about you.
When my mind has gone there, I’ve tried to focus on just getting through the next 10 minutes. Not the whole week, not the whole future. Just 10 minutes. Sometimes I’d pace around, text someone, put on a song and really listen to it. It maybe “small”, but small keeps you here. To be honest, the fact that you’re sharing this, that could be your new way of coping.
Since your professional help isn’t instantly available, maybe we can figure out some “in-the-meantime” stuff together? Things that help you just get through the moment. It can be music, moving your body, grounding techniques, breathing exercises, scribbling down everything in your head, watching something that pulls you out for a bit. Whatever gives you a little space between you and the thoughts.
It’s not about fixing everything at once, but rather making it through this moment, and the next and the next. And the next thing you know, you’ve learned and built new healthy coping mechanisms for yourself.
May you hold on to the truth that you’re still here because some part of you hasn’t given up, and that part is worth listening to 
Hello @10_CYc13s I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. First, I want to say that having these thoughts doesn’t make you cowardly or pathetic at all. What you’re experiencing is a sign of deep pain and struggle, not weakness or failure. It’s really important to remember that these thoughts are a symptom of how overwhelming things feel right now, and they don’t define who you are or your worth.
When setbacks happen, it’s normal to feel upset or hopeless sometimes, but if these feelings keep coming back and becoming so intense that thoughts of suicide or self-harm appear, it shows that you’re going through a lot and could use some extra support. It’s okay to need help and to feel vulnerable. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means you’re human and going through something very hard.
Since you mentioned you can’t reach your professional help immediately, please consider these options: try to talk to someone you trust: a close friend, family member, or even a school counselor if that’s possible. Sometimes just sharing how you feel can ease the weight.
You don’t have to face this alone. There are people who care about you and want to help you get through this. Your feelings are valid, and with support and time, these moments can get better. You matter a lot, even if it feels hard to believe right now.
Hey 10_CYc13s
you’ve been closley reflecting on yourself, noticing patterns. and that takes alot of wisdom and courage than it feels like right now.
i sense a little harshness towards yourself… cowardly, pathetic. can i ask gently… who said that running away from pain makes you weak? if I was hurting the way you are when setbacks hit and cant think of solutions, it can be overwhelming.
When things go wrong, not because something is broken in you, its because that’s how the pain has learnt to speak. but pain is not the same as truth.
are you getting help at the moment? and is there someone that you trust to call and talk with, even when things feel like this?
you’re here right now, asking for something. that alone tells me there’s still a part of you that doesn’t want to give up.. even if it’s tired. you’re not doing this wrong.
if it’s okay, just take a second to notice where your body is. feet on the floor. hand on something near. you don’t have to figure anything out. just be here.
Hi @10_CYc13s ,
The thought of suicide and self-harm cross my mind more often than not, and I can’t fully say I understand how you feel but one way or the other, we both had the same thought of self harm or suicide.
Our lives are vastly different, some with little setbacks, some with many setbacks. I don’t know how my words can reach you but here’s are the setbacks that had me into depression and thought of suiciding:
I could go on. I still have many setbacks I can share but to realise the number of setbacks don’t determine who you are.
How many times have suicide crossed my mind? Isn’t it easy to just end it with all the sufferings?
It’s the number of times you didn’t give up regardless of how much misery life has presented to you.
Tenacity, gutless and relentless, that’s what my life has amounted me to. Even now, I lost my job and have been unemployed for 8 months and counting. I’m still getting rejected all the time. Sometime I even start thinking if my existence is a filth for the sole purpose of getting all these treatments. I can’t emphasis that no matter how much we struggle in our lives, there will always be people who have a worse life than ours.
But even so, if my experience can enlighten you somehow, it at least make my life as a filth much more meaningful don’t you think? I won’t say that I know what you’ve been suffering but sometime, we need to face the world with a braver heart than just thinking about how miserable our lives can be.
Hi @10_CYc13s,
I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way - and I want you to know that what you’re experiencing isn’t cowardly or pathetic. It’s a sign that you’re carrying a heavy emotional load, and your mind is trying to make sense of pain in the only way it knows how when things feel overwhelming.
These thoughts often arise not because something is wrong with you, but because you’ve been pushed beyond your limits too many times without enough support or rest. Your feelings deserve empathy, both from the people around you and from yourself.
You also mentioned about not being able to seek professional help as quickly as you could. I’d like to assure you that there are professional mental health services which are available 24/7. Here are some examples:
National Mindline: 1711 (Call) or +65 6669 1771 (WhatsApp)
Samaritans of Singapore: 1767 (Call) or +65 9151 1767 (WhatsApp)
I hope this helps - in the meantime, take care!
Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline
I was like that n yes. Do consider that u might be burnt out n at ur limits due to too many set backs n nothing positive thag happen to u. It get better once u take breaks n treat urself as u did out in effort even tho something failed. Once small successes accumulates then it gets better. I made some improvements but i still do struggle. Long journey
hi @10_CYc13s ,
it must feel so hard to have recurring issues which you can’t solve 
but rest assured, it’s not cowardly at all!! rather, it’s totally valid of you to feel bad after a setback, and if you were already suicidal, this could really exacerbate your negative thoughts
yes, these thoughts aren’t normal per se, but it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you as a person 
there are many people who’ve experienced the same at some point in their lives. i encourage you to seek professional help eventually, and in the meantime, keep yourself safe <3 all the best!