Are we suitable?

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I’m an adult who in a 6years relationship.
Initiate phase all went quite well and fun. We share our thoughts and times together. Have fun, dates and even prepare surprises for each other.

Last year, I have stop working for a year due to health issue. Supporting him with his work and businesses for free.
I didn’t feel appreciated for all my time and energy spend. Many events and arguments happen even since I spend most of my time with him.
Since then, I always question myself for our future. Start to wonder is this man is who I should spend my life with.

This year I went back to work. Manage to divert some of my time with my work. However I still feel empty sometime. Wanted to share about works or any fun things, he always doesn’t show interested in. He started to addict to a card games.
And spend most of the time in the card games. Even sacrifice the sleeping time.
We use to have cuddle time, for now, I only have it when I ask for it, or when I show face.

I used to spend time to discuss our future in the first few years of relationship. Now I find hard to communicate with him.
The only conversation we had is about his card games and competition.
He didn’t even focus on his work anymore.

What shall I do ?
since this year I find myself to be so emotionally unstable, breakdown easily and depressed.
Sometime cheerful and next minute become emo.

Am I depressed ?
Should I continue this relationship ?
I find myself a loser.

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Dear @Anobody,

Thank you for coming here to share your pain with us. It sounds like you’re navigating a challenging phase in your relationship, and it’s understandable to feel uncertain and emotionally unsettled given the circumstances. After dedicating your time and energy to supporting your partner’s work and businesses during your year off, feeling unappreciated is a valid concern. It’s crucial to openly communicate these feelings with your partner and discuss your concerns about the direction of your relationship.

People naturally evolve over time, and part of growing in a partnership is growing individually alongside each other. Interests change, perspectives shift, and priorities may differ as each person continues their personal journey. It might be beneficial to invite your partner to a conversation or write a letter expressing your feelings and apprehensions. Discuss how his recent preoccupation with card games and disinterest in shared activities has affected you emotionally and impacted the relationship.

Reflect on whether this relationship is meeting your emotional needs and providing the support you deserve. Evaluate how conflicts are addressed and resolved between you. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to navigate challenges together.

Given your emotional instability and bouts of feeling low, consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor. Professional guidance can offer a safe space to explore your emotions, gain clarity on your situation, and develop coping strategies.

It’s also important to self-evaluate what you bring to the relationship and how your communication style may have shifted over time. Are you still expressing yourself authentically, and are you open to feedback from your partner about your role in the relationship? Successful relationships involve navigating life together while supporting each other’s growth and authenticity.

If you were to contemplate ending the relationship, what positive aspects would you miss? What aspects would you not miss? What lessons would you take away from this experience? These reflections can provide valuable insights into your relationship dynamics and personal growth.

Remember to approach this process with kindness towards yourself and a dedication to understanding your needs and desires in a partnership. Your self-worth isn’t solely determined by your partner’s actions or validation. You deserve fulfillment and happiness in your life. Invest time in self-care, pursue activities that bring you joy, and nurture relationships that uplift and support you.

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

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Dear CoolBreeze,

Really appreciated for your detail and professional advices. I was tearing while reading your reply. It’s really meant a lot to me as current stage of mind, I’m seeking ways and advices.

I got difficulty in communicating.
I find myself having issue with expressing myself properly and accurately at times, especially when I am emotional.
But like what you advise, may be I can write to tell him my feeling instead.

To be honest, I ran away from home today. Staying outside makes me feel a little better. And also I had spend time to myself, and I can collect all the detail from my past diaries and write to my partner. I hope it’s works.

It’s been a really hard life journey for me. Everything seems ok yet mentally unstable.
I tried to go back to church, however I find myself had disconnected to my group mates.

Emotion always comes at the time when I’m alone and quiet down. That’s when my true self comes. Many times I tried to overcome with some positive vibes, but it’s only last for a moment.

Is it comment for adult to compare themselves with others?
Nowadays most of my friends are married with kids. And I still having unstable relationships (sometime I find it’s such a failure). My parents also keep casing us to get engage since last year but I’m still waiting for the proposal.
I used to quite excited in looking forward for the proposal but now, I’m not.
As time pass, I had gave up and just want to follow the flow and God timeline.

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Dear @Anobody ,

Thank you for your kind words. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:
I’m deeply touched that my advice has resonated with you during this challenging time. It’s clear that you’re going through a lot, and I want you to know that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. :people_hugging:

Communication can indeed be difficult, especially when emotions are running high. Our brains are wired to shut off our thinking brain when our feeling brain takes over. This response is to protect us and trigger the fight-or-flight survival response. It’s like having a tiger in the room, and our body views emotional distress from our loved ones with the same urgency.

Even I used to struggle to communicate well when emotionally triggered, especially if the emotions were strong or hit sensitive issues. Over time, by practicing self-regulation daily, like brushing my teeth, I have learned to take breaks, regulate myself, and let my thinking brain come back online before continuing the conversation. There is no shame in having louder emotions; it’s your body’s way of trying to protect you. With support and the development of skills, you can learn to control the volume of your emotions.

Writing down your feelings can be a powerful way to express yourself, and it’s wonderful to hear that you’re considering this approach with your partner. Taking the time to reflect and articulate your thoughts in writing might provide the clarity and connection you’re seeking.

I’m sorry to hear that you felt the need to run away from home, but I’m glad to know that spending some time alone has given you a bit of relief. This signals that perhaps your self-care can be improved. Consider starting a self-care routine so that you can fill your own well-being cup first before you pour your love and kindness into other relationships. It’s important to take these moments for yourself to calibrate yourself. :wink:

Comparing ourselves to others is a common experience, especially when it seems like everyone around us is following a certain life path. In the past, comparing ourselves helped us push forward and do better, but now it’s an outdated strategy that does more harm than good. It’s okay to unlearn this cultural belief and shift towards a growth mindset where you seek internal validation and discern for yourself what is in your highest good or well-being.

Having the pressure to be engaged can be really hard. I imagine perhaps your parents believe that being married means you will be supported. However, it’s for you to decide on your quality of life—having the label “married” but feeling miserable because your partner hasn’t got the skills that will help the marriage thrive or choosing a different path till you feel that it is a whole body yes to spend your life together. It’s may also be helpful for you to take stock of how many communication skills and conflict-resolution skills you have. There is no time limit to learn and practice these skills. Start by focusing on improving one skill at a time and build your way up.

Let me reassure you, that there is nothing wrong with you. It’s okay to have gaps in life skills. It’s the skills that are missing and not a reflection of any limitation on you. You have infinite potential. :smiley:

With the right support, knowledge, and skills, you’ll be able to have better days ahead. I’d like to strongly encourage you to work with a therapist so that you can have a caring and supportive environment to learn these skills and make life decisions based on your well-being as a priority.

Take things one step at a time and be kind to yourself.

Warm regards,
CoolBreeze =)

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Dear CoolBreeze,

Your reassurance really encourage me a lot. :mending_heart:
I will work harder to improve my communication skill, learn to express myself better step by step. It might be difficult but I will try my very best. I will start with writing all down whenever I encounter the emotions.

Through your words, I learnt that it’s really important to learn self love before loving others. When I myself can’t even take care of my well being, how could I really love others and sometimes even expert them to love me back as much as I do.

It’s really true, I spent a restless night last night to talk to my partner via messaging. Although not ended as expected, but at least I expressed out as much as can.
He is a very mature and wise man but sometime just lack of “women sense” can’t understand how women thinks and needs.
But I quite gratified that he said “ let’s try to work it out together” which really comfort me and push me to work harder for this relationship.

I understand dealing with these uncontrolled emotions may not be easy for both parties, but I will really try my best to do it. Just allow me sometimes might get depressed again.

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@Anobody that’s lovely to hear! :clap:t4: :clap:t4:

Well done on valuing yourself and allowing yourself and your partner both room to grow. Feeling low and sad is normal and a healthy part of life. All our feelings act as guiding signals. Some are more uncomfortable than others but are still very important and helpful. Low and uncomfortable feelings usually signal outdated programming that we may have picked up in our early years. With a little unlearning and relearning, we can grow and experience less intense low or uncomfortable feelings.

You’ve got this. Go one step at a time! You sound like someone with the resilience and perseverance to overcome challenges. Give yourself permission to feel not okay and okay.

Wishing you the very best :orange_heart:

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