Boundaries - does anyone struggle with this

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This may sound funny but I really struggle with this

So I struggle with setting boundaries with a now ex colleague

In the past the colleague will help himself to my food that I bring to work for my own consumption even while I’m in the middle of eating it.

And, also will call me at any time of the day if we are not working the same shift to rant about work/bosses. If I’m in ofc, then he will come by my work station or ask me to go out the office to rant. Sometimes I’ll just come up with some excuses to say I’m busy to cut the conversation short. or not pick up the call. If I don’t pick up the call, he will text me to question why I don’t pick up the call.

now I’m no longer working there, occasionally he still calls/text, which I avoids and he will question me why. Recently I met up with some other ex-colleagues and he questioned why I did not arrange a meet up with him.

And all these really eats into me. I thought it’s the end of the work relationship once I leave the organisation and we no longer have to keep in contact yknow?

How do I cut this relationship off or set some healthy boundaries?

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Dear @Wildflower

Thank you for writing in and letting us know about what you are experiencing. I can sense how uneasy and drained you are feeling with this ex colleague’s behaviour towards you. Please know that you are fully justified to choose who you wish to spend time with.

I would like to share that I believe it’s not rude or selfish to set boundaries as it protects your time and energy.

You can consider either slowly reducing your interaction time for him until the relationship fades out. Another option is to be clear in your communication with him that you need some space and will not be able to keep up regular calls and meetings. Be firm and consistent. You have a right to choose healthy relationships where there is mutual respect and understanding. You are entitled to protecting your mental health above all.

I hope these helps. Please know that you are not a bad person for wanting to limit your time with this colleague. You are only caring for yourself and this is something you fully deserve. Do continue reaching out here whenever needed.:yellow_heart:

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Hi @Wildflower,

Not being able to set healthy boundaries is not funny at all. Here is a practice that you can reflect on..

  1. You mentioned, “in the past the colleague will help himself to my food that I bring to work for my own consumption even while I’m in the middle of eating it.” - what did you do?

  2. In most occasions, you mentioned that you come up with some excuses to say you are busy to cut the conversation short. or not pick up the call." - it looked like you were avoiding, but eventually these really eats into you.

  3. It is clear that you were completely uncomfortable with your colleague who was in close proximity or in contact with you even after you left company.

  4. How do you want to respond? If you held back any form of judgement, you realised that by avoiding your colleague, you did not explicitly set up some healthy boundaries. How do you expect yourself to cut this off? Do you feel that you can make a choice to take a condfident position for yourself? If you see that you can make that choice, how do you want to communicate that choice?

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Often I’m too speechless by the colleague actions that I do not say anything. Once or twice, I did voice out by say ‘hey that’s my breakfast’, and the colleague then replied that I’m selfish by not sharing.

Anw, that’s water under the bridge now that we are no longer in the same organisation.

I just recalled this as I recently met up with some ex-colleagues again, and I’m considering arranging a meetup with this colleague to prevent any future conversation about why I met with colleagues bcd and not him. This colleague has contacted me once to question why I met with some ex colleagues and why I did not do the same for him.

I have to admit that I don’t fare very well when people guilt trip me even when I know what they say is not true.

In an ideal scenario, I would love to be firm with my words and without spoiling the relationship. But it’s hard. I have my choice who I wish to meet up with to catch up for meals isn’t it?

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What you said is absolutely correct! You have a choice.

Do your ex-colleagues know of your “rift” with that particular colleague?

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Hey @wildflower,

What you shared about "too speechless” really shows how frozen you felt in those moments. And when he called you selfish for keeping your own breakfast… that’s not small. It sounds like guilt got planted in you even when you knew you weren’t wrong.

I hear how now you think about arranging a meetup just to avoid his questioning. That’s the old loop again: to keep the peace, you give up your own choice, But you also named something powerful: “I have my choice who i wish to meet.” that truth is already in you.

Maybe for now the focus isn’t a perfect script or confrontation, but testing what it feels like to hold that line gradually, without adding more explanation?

  1. When asked again *“why didn’t you call/include me?”
  • Practice:“i’m keeping my meetups small, thanks for understanding.”
  • Practice note: states boundary (small meetups), doesn’t justify further.
  1. When guilt-tripped with *“you’re selfish”
  • Practice:“i hear what you’re saying, but i’m keeping this time for myself.”
  • Practice note:** acknowledges words without accepting the label.
  1. When pressured with repeated calls/texts
  • Practice:“i’m not available to chat outside work now.”
  • Practice note: short, neutral, no excuse. Repeated use trains consistency.
  1. Internal reminder (self-talk)
  • Practice:“having choice doesn’t make me selfish, it makes me respectful to myself.”
  • Practice note:strengthens self-esteem to counteract guilt triggers.

it makes sense you still want to protect the relationship… but protecting yourself is a relationship too. Whenever you feel ready, no rush, hope to help you find the confidence and courage.

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Thanks for these practice tips especially since my next therapy is only gonna be in a month time and I have 101 issues to bring up and I probably need to prioritise what I would like to work on (if I have any strength to do so).

If this colleague does reach out, I will try to practice my boundaries. Till then, I shall not initiate any meet up since it really does drain my energy and I do not have any intention to meet this person anyway.

And to answer @lovelychange , everyone does noticed his weird habits and but no one can do anything about him even the bosses. :woman_shrugging: I have heard others tend not to pick up his calls after office hours.

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