Does anyone else have a friend that always asks you for help but when u ask them for help, they always ignore you or pretend u don’t exist? I have spent so much time and effort helping this one friend improve her mental health but I get ignored when I try ranting to her or even asking her to help me buy stuff. I feel like she’s always dismissing my feelings and thoughts, even after all that time I spent listening to her and helping her with her problems. now I feel like I can’t reach out to anyone I know personally because they’ll keep telling me stuff like “just deal with it” or “itll be over soon” or they don’t even care enough about me to bother listening. I don’t get it, I’ve always tried to support others with whatever problems theyre going through but when it comes to me, I have no one to turn to. I’ve had enough of my feelings being disregarded so I’m wondering how to I set boundaries without offending anyone?
Haha, happens to me a lot. I dont expect help back after i helped a person but i expect the person to not treat me like ■■■■ after
it does sound like a tough situation bc it can feel a little unfair that you’re doing your best to be present for others while that grace isn’t extended to you.
it can also feel a lil dismissive to hear “just deal with it” when you’ve also shared that you’re trying to find someone to turn to. it does take strength to want to find alternatives to help set boundaries so thank you for sharing!!
i wanted to ask, how does the convo usually start when you try to ask your friend for a listening ear/to rant?
I relate very much! and it can be very draining, and I empathise with the feeling very much.
I would start by recognising what are your non-negotiable or needs in the relationship. What is it that each other provide and give (mutually of course).
And using “I” statements (framing it as these are how you feel and these are your needs) makes it clearer to show that you’re not accusing them, but at the same time this has been what’s happening from your perspective.
It may be uncomfortable at first to set boundaries, as things may change in the relationship and can feel confrontational. Remember that voicing your needs can be done in a nice but firm way, and your needs are important in a relationship.
Am proud that you’re showing up for yourself and thinking about your boundaries! What concerns might you have after hearing this?
I usually just ask them whether they’re okay with hearing me rant as I don’t want to dump everything on them but I feel like I dont get any helpful advice from them
That does not sound like a friend who cares about you. have u wondered why u always need to help her but never get anything back?
ive been there before too, as a quiet person in school even if i tried to be nice, some ppl just didn treat me with equal reciprocation as i wanted. Not sure if u are still schooling,… maybe try to find other better ppl?
i see!! it can def feel more draining to rant and not really get the support you were looking for. when you say you don’t get any helpful advice (assuming its the “just deal w/ it”), what would you actually prefer to hear from your friends when you rant to them?
OMG, yeah!
Don’t worry buddy, you are heading in the right direction. I personally have experienced this. It feels terrible to have your boundaries crossed but trust me , you not feeling that it’s normal , and is already a good sign.
I have always been told to look around and feel grateful for the things that I have and not focus on the things which seem to be out of reach which includes crossing the boundaries. This often took the forms of favours that never seemed to end in the short run, and being emotionally unavailable after they get the favour.
They would often normalise my problems, making me feel rather negligible, while magnifying the impacts of their problems and reinstating their implications, every time with a “personal touch”( basically making me feel that I would be affected by every single problem of theirs). However, things changed, and I was not feeling the same way they did about situations, so I decided to get myself aware of my “social health” which led me to here… ( wait…it seems like I’m promoting mindline 
)
Anyways, it is totally not okay to have your boundaries bee trespassed. You not feeling good about this is already a good sign that you’re in the road to better health.
Here are some Techniques that I used that have worked for me :
- explicitly iterate your feelings
It would feel dangerous to do so, but take some courage and communicate your feelings in an open manner.
For me, my family made me feel guilty for “hurting” the feelings of elders around me given that they caused some friction in the relationship.
But, the thing is, who can I rely when it comes to getting my needs satisfied? - try to distance yourself as much as possible from the person physically
I could not study at home in the past which resulted in me having to go to the library everyday to study. When My parents started manipulating me by the fact that I need not go to the library to study all the time, I iterated the fact that I really needed a space to study. After numerous attempts convincing them, I could get the desired outcome. This reduced the tendency for them to ask favours from me all the time.
I feel that when we tend to be overly sensitive with others by taking care of their needs, we get to have our needs overlooked. But, you can get through this! 