conflicted, lost and numb.

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1

i dont have anyone else to talk to. please help

situation: A is my partner’s best friend, B is A’s partner, who i am friends with.

story is that A has done something serious and atrocious, and i found out from B. B brought it up like “something happened on this day” but never told details until i asked. she told me not to tell anyone about it, but months later where i no longer could see them face to face and interact with them, i told my partner about it.

the problem is, my partner feels very strongly about it, and wants to address it with A, as A could negatively affect people around them if they dont know the impact of their actions. but my partner feels conflicted about not addressing what Person B did, as it goes against his values. there’s no solid evidence of the wrongdoing as i deleted chats with B. why: im not close with A at all, and i don’t really care what happens to A, or to their rs. their rs is toxic and bad already. i also really didn’t want to cause trouble with myself during that time period (finals) so i shut my mouth and let it go.

my partner also cannot confront A about it, because B knows intimate details about my partner and i, which i told B. i told B because they have also done the same intimate thing, and felt safe to tell. because they know of this “intimate” thing, they could use it against us for whatever reason, or tell others about it.

the issue im now facing is,
#1: i feel at fault as now my partner cannot do anything about the situation he wants to act on, and cannot shake it off (as it goes against their morals for not bringing it up to A)

#2: my partner views me as “technically an accomplice” in their behaviour of keeping A quiet about their wrong doings (and prob see me in a diff light or something)

#3: ive broken my partner’s trust by telling others intimate things about us, even if i made it such that the spotlight was on me (if that made sense)

im already dealing with family and personal issues all in the same day so i just feel so lost and numb trying to solve and fix everything, to the point i forget to feel. now is, what should i do? how do i approach my partner? i want to apologise and rebuild the trust ive broken, but also how to move foward in the situation regarding A? please offer any sort of advice. please and thank you.

2

Hi @Afterhours,

Thank you for sharing everything so openly—it takes courage to acknowledge how complex and overwhelming this situation feels for you. I hear the weight you’re carrying, from your family and personal issues to your concerns about your partner and relationships with A and B. It is unsurprising that you are experiencing feelings of numbness and disorientation; it appears that you are devoting an excessive amount of your energy to various endeavours.

Let’s take a moment to remind you that the choices others make—like A’s behavior or even how B reacts—are not within your control. You’ve done your best in difficult circumstances, and it’s okay to feel conflicted about everything. It’s also okay to want to rebuild trust with your partner while figuring out how to navigate this tangled web of emotions.

Some considerations

  1. Rebuilding Trust with Your Partner:
  • Approach your partner with honesty and vulnerability. For example, you could say, “I realize that sharing intimate details was hurtful, and I deeply regret it. I’ve learned from this, and I want to do better because your trust means so much to me.”
  • Offer to discuss boundaries together—what feels safe to share with others and what doesn’t. This collaborative approach can rebuild connection.
  1. Regarding A’s Situation:
  • Reflect on your role and limits. You’re not responsible for resolving A’s behavior or how B handles it. Focus on what aligns with your values while respecting your boundaries.
  • Consider telling your partner, “I shared this with you because I trust you to know what’s right. I don’t want to overstep, but I also want to support you in whatever you decide to do.”
  1. Managing Emotional Overload:
  • Make space for self-care, even if it feels small. Whether it’s a walk, journaling, or simply breathing deeply, these moments can help you reconnect with your emotions.
  • Let yourself feel without judgment. It’s okay to cry, feel numb, or even unsure—that’s part of processing.

Even though you’re facing a challenging situation, you’re not remaining motionless. Reaching out for help shows your strength and willingness to grow. Remember, you don’t need to know all the answers right away. Approach the situation with patience and allow yourself the time to heal and rebuild. You’re not alone in this. :blush:

3

@FuYuan_Affections thank you so much for responding. ive managed to talk to my partner about trust. its obvious that he’s very upset, and he told me that “if you’re truly sorry, you would go through all the months of rebuilding that trust”. and now it sorta feels like a break up… moving forward, how can i rebuild and gain his trust back?

4

Hi @Afterhours,

First of all, let me say how strong you’ve been to approach such a difficult conversation with your partner. It’s clear you care deeply about this relationship and want to make things right. I understand the weight of this situation, and I want to reassure you that it’s acceptable to proceed cautiously. You’ve already taken a brave first step by talking about trust—acknowledging the issue is a significant milestone.

Rebuilding trust is a journey, and the approach you choose depends on what feels right for you. Consider these options, but ultimately, it’s about what fits your values and abilities:

  1. Create Space for Open Communication:
  • You’ve already started an important dialogue. You might want to check in with him from time to time, asking, “How are you feeling about us today?” or “Is there anything I can do to support you better right now?”
  • This doesn’t mean you have to overextend yourself. It’s about showing that you’re present and invested in the process, while still honoring your own emotional limits.
  1. Be Transparent with Your Actions:
  • Rebuilding trust often involves showing consistency over time. You might decide to share updates or clarify decisions before acting, but only if that feels manageable for you. For example, if you’re talking to mutual friends, you can decide to let him know who and why, to avoid misunderstandings.
  1. Focus on Your Intentions:
  • Sometimes it helps to gently remind your partner, “I’m committed to rebuilding trust, but I also know it’s a process for both of us.” This reassures him of your intentions while giving space for mutual effort.
  1. Recognize Your Own Needs:
  • It’s okay to acknowledge your own feelings and needs in this process. Rebuilding trust doesn’t mean neglecting your well-being. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure, take moments to check in with yourself and decide what feels manageable.

A Gentle Reminder:

Rebuilding trust takes time, but it doesn’t mean you have to carry the weight alone. The fact that you’re reflecting and seeking ways to move forward shows your commitment to growth—not just for this relationship, but for yourself.

If you feel like the process is too heavy, consider what you want from this relationship and whether it supports your emotional health. Know that your decision is valid and you have the freedom to choose what’s best for you.

Moving Forward—Your Choice Matters:

You’ve already shown so much courage and thoughtfulness in how you’ve approached this. Whatever path you choose—whether it’s working to rebuild trust or taking space to focus on your own growth—know that it’s okay to prioritise what feels right for you.