I have been struggling with my mental health and self harm since I was in P6. I noticed that my emotions/feelings got too intense and at times i really don’t know how to cope. Fast forward, over the past few years, i have realised how bad and intense my suicidal thoughts and ideation gets. From just thinking about it as a passing thought, to thinking about ways to do it, and at some point of time, the intention of actually doing it. (I am not in danger now though)
Whenever I face any setbacks or inconvenience or issues, almost all the time, a suicidal thought would come by. It is almost 2nd nature for my brain. And when that happens, i tend to start the spiral and that’s how another depressive episode starts i guess… (if i dont get out in time)
I’ve seek mental health help before but i find it hard to commit, it is probably my issue and i dont really know how to fix that… The longest help that i have seek was with the polyclinic DRs and I was on medication for awhile. (no longer on medication because i didnt show up for my previous appointment and i think back then i was going a little more stable)
so now im really stuck and i dont know what to do. Yea it isn’t a big issue like i have to seek help NOW nor am i in immediate danger or serious depressive episode. But i just feel that i want to talk to someone about it. But im also afraid of not committing to it because i feel like it does not work or they don’t care about me or think that i am not serious enough to seek help
Firstly, I want to say that it takes a lot of courage to be sharing something so personal. The fact that you are able to articulate so well shows how aware you are of your emotions and thoughts. It must be really exhausting to have those constant thoughts to the point that its 2nd nature for you. Having said that, I do want to push back slightly when you said that this is not a big issue and that you are not in immediate danger, I am glad to hear that you are not in immediate danger, but what you have described is very concerning to hear and just because you are not in immediate danger does not reduce the issue one bit. Those suicidal thoughts of yours are something that deserve real and consistent support.
I hear you on the point of finding it hard to commit to mental health support, it is actually something that happens to a lot of people, it can be really difficult and tiring to keep showing up and remembering appointments. That does not mean you have failed, it just means there is a thread to pick back up. Being honest with your professionals regarding finding it hard to commit, how automatic the suicidal thoughts have become, and what would be the next best step to take.
The fact that you have already committed to reach out to us today, that is something to be proud of. You can always reach out to SOS at 1767 or Mindline at 1771 to speak to someone!
Thank you for choosing to share with us your personal struggles with mental health and suicide ideation. I hear that you’re keenly aware about your thought processes and feeling a sense of control over these thoughts in spite of their intensity. However, despite not feeling like there is imminent harm, these thoughts are difficult and it can be incredibly helpful to receive support to process them.
I also hear you on how you have indeed sought help before but have found it difficult to commit. I would like to encourage you to be gentler with yourself It sounds like the hesitation comes from an underlying fear of disappointment if it doesn’t work or that the professional may not take you seriously. These are very real concerns that people consider when seeking professional help; after all, we are exposing some of our most vulnerable sides and it is only normal to worry if we will be held gently and taken seriously.
Yet, I hope this will not stop you from taking this step - while indeed we cannot control to a T how the counselling sessions will go, having a space that reserved just for you, to talk about what you are going through, can be very cathartic. Most importantly, I truly believe that you have it in you to get out of your current stuckness - by moving forward and seeking help, you’re already further away from this stuck point.
In the meantime, you can keep talking to us here, and we will be rooting for you
It sounds like the hesitation comes from an underlying fear of disappointment if it doesn’t work or that the professional may not take you seriously. These are very real concerns that people consider when seeking professional help; after all, we are exposing some of our most vulnerable sides and it is only normal to worry if we will be held gently and taken seriously.