Dear @user1145 ,
Thank you for sharing your struggles with us. It takes great courage to open up about such personal experiences, especially when they’ve been affecting you for so long. It’s clear that you’ve been through a lot, and it’s understandable to feel conflicted about your emotions and how to move forward.
Dissociation and emotional numbing are defence mechanisms that our mind uses to protect us from overwhelming stress or trauma. When a person experiences something too difficult to handle, their mind might “disconnect” from the reality of the situation, leading to feelings of detachment from their emotions, body, or surroundings. While these mechanisms can be helpful in the short term, allowing someone to survive and manage extreme stress, they can become problematic if they persist. Long-term dissociation and numbing can interfere with emotional processing and healing, making it difficult to fully experience and integrate one’s emotions and experiences.
Reflecting on your past behaviours, like causing harm to bullfrogs without feeling and obsessively searching through the chute, it signals to me that you were struggling. These actions might have been ways to exert control or cope with emotional numbness. Recognising these behaviours now is a great step toward understanding your mental health.
It’s normal to be afraid of facing your emotions, especially after so many years of keeping them at bay. However, acknowledging this fear is an important step toward healing. It sounds like the life that you’re currently leading, though seemingly successful, doesn’t feel authentic to you. The worry about being pushed to your wits’ end by a trigger is valid, and it indicates that addressing these unresolved emotions is keyfor your well-being.
I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling such intense stress and pain that your body felt it needed to numb your emotions to keep you safe and functioning. 
It must have been incredibly challenging to continue your responsibilities as a caregiver and be part of society, all while feeling unnoticed in your suffering. Thank you once again for showing such courage and vulnerability by sharing your experiences with us. 
It is possible to begin to feel your emotions again and slowly “thaw” from your ‘freeze’ response. Rest assured that your body will likely begin to experience strong, uncomfortable emotions at a pace it deems safe. It’s unlikely that you will be overwhelmed by an avalanche of emotions if you start to authentically care for yourself. Our brain and body are amazing at protecting us. 
Here are some steps you can take to start working through these feelings:
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Seek Professional Help: I strongly encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional so that you can receive the care, guidance, and emotional support you need to heal at a pace that feels comfortable for you. A therapist or counsellor can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions and past experiences, helping you process your feelings and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
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Gradual Self-Reflection: Begin by allowing yourself to feel your emotions in small, manageable doses. Journaling can be a helpful way to start acknowledging your feelings without becoming overwhelmed. Here are some journal prompts to help with gradual self-reflection:
- Daily Check-In: “What emotions am I feeling today? How do they manifest in my body?”
- Small Joys: “What are three things that brought me joy or comfort today? How did they make me feel?”
- Challenging Moments: “Describe a challenging moment from today. What emotions did it bring up, and how did I cope with them?”
- Past Reflection: “Think about a significant event from your past. What emotions did you feel then, and how do you feel about it now?”
- Emotion Exploration: “Pick one emotion I’ve felt recently (e.g., happiness, sadness, anger). Describe what triggered it, how it felt, and how I responded.”
- Safe Spaces: “Describe a place or activity where I feel safe and calm. How does this environment help me manage my emotions?”
- Gratitude: “List three things I am grateful for today. How do these aspects of my life make me feel?”
- Emotional Triggers: “Identify a recent situation that triggered a strong emotional response. What thoughts or memories did it bring up?”
- Self-Compassion: “Write a letter to myself offering kindness and understanding for a recent struggle. What would I say to a friend in the same situation?”
- Mind-Body Connection: “How do my emotions affect my physical body? Describe any sensations I notice when I am feeling stressed, happy, or anxious.”
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Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can help you stay grounded as you explore your emotions. These techniques can also reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation.
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Self-Compassion: Most importantly, be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey. Understand that healing takes time and that it’s okay to seek help and support along the way.
I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! 
Take care,
CoolBreeze =)
