Hi @tinkibell,
Thank you for sharing how you’ve been feeling. It sounds like you’re going through a lot of emotional conflict right now, from your post, I can see how hard it must be to feel stuck between your love for your boyfriend and these lingering thoughts about his past. It’s really courageous of you to open up about this.
It’s completely natural to feel this way when someone you care about has a significant past. Those comparisons can creep in and make it hard to focus on what’s unique and special about your relationship now. Having said that, it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough—it just means you’re navigating some complex emotions, and that’s okay.
You mentioned feeling haunted by the idea that your partner has already experienced many “firsts,” and I can see how that would feel disheartening. Nonetheless, you have made a decision, and you’re planning to get married. Mind if I ask, what drove your decision?
Here’s something to consider: Your relationship is its own chapter, and everything you build together—your wedding, your future family, your memories—will be uniquely yours. These moments never happened with you.
While the thoughts always point to “not being the first”, what about “being the one he’s chosen to build this life with now” Where does that sit?
From what you have also described, it also sounds like your boyfriend cares deeply for you, given how he reassures you and invites you to share what’s on your mind. That’s such a strong foundation to work from, and it shows that he values your thoughts and feelings. If you’re comfortable, it might help to share a little of what you’ve been feeling with him. It’s not necessary to possess all the answers or resolve everything immediately; sometimes, simply being open can foster intimacy and alleviate some of the burdens you’re bearing.
If you’re looking for ways to shift your mindset, could you start by focusing on the things that make your relationship special now? Maybe that’s journaling about the moments you’ve shared that have made you feel loved and cherished or practicing mindfulness to bring your attention back to the present when comparisons arise. It might also help to remind yourself that you bring something completely unique to this relationship—your personality, your perspective, and the love you share with him.
You’ve shown so much strength by reflecting on your feelings and seeking help. Again, sometimes the thought of our dreams coming to reality can throw us off. It’s okay to take things one step at a time, and with time and effort, you can move toward a mindset that focuses more on the love and future you’re building together. You’re doing an amazing job by caring so deeply about your relationship, and that’s a strength in itself. 