I’m having some difficulty completely being vulnerable and trusting my boyfriend even though he has done nothing wrong during my time with him. I catch myself thinking alot about the what ifs and alot about his past experiences and feeling negatively about them despite knowing that it’s his past and knowing that it’s normal to have a past. I feel it’s affecting my progress with him in the relationship but I’m not sure how to overcome these negative feelings.
Dear @user1160
I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing discomfort in your relationship. Navigating trust and vulnerability in a relationship can be challenging. It’s normal to feel hesitant or anxious about trust, especially when being vulnerable.
Thank you for coming here to share with us your struggles. Acknowledging your uncomfortable feelings and reaching out for support is a step in the right direction. Well done! 
Here are some perspectives for your consideration:
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Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings: Recognise that feeling hesitant or anxious about trust is a natural response to wanting to protect yourself emotionally. For example, you might say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel unsure right now. I’m learning to trust at my own pace.”
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Open Communication: Have an open conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Share your concerns and fears calmly and constructively. It can be helpful to communicate what steps you need to feel safe or what words you need to hear. For instance, you could say, “I’ve been feeling anxious about trusting fully, and I’d like to talk about it with you. Can we set aside some time to discuss this? I would appreciate it if you could reassure me about your feelings towards me.”
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Focus on the Present and Practice Self-Regulation Skills: Remind yourself that your boyfriend’s past experiences have shaped who he is today, but they don’t define your current relationship. Practice self-regulation skills, such as mindfulness or deep breathing, to stay grounded in the present moment and manage any overwhelming emotions that arise. For example, when unhelpful thoughts about his past arise, you could practice a mindfulness exercise to help redirect your focus to the present.
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Challenge Negative Thoughts with Facts and Evidence: Negative thoughts often serve as a protective mechanism, alerting us to potential risks. When these thoughts arise, challenge them by looking for evidence and facts that support or contradict them. For example, if you find yourself worrying about his past relationships, compare how he handled things then with how he behaves now. Notice any positive changes or growth that indicate he is committed to your relationship. This can help reassure your mind that things are indeed different. At the same time, trust yourself to discern any red flags or concerns that may arise. Your instincts are valuable in guiding what is best for you and your wellbeing.
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Self-Reflection: Take time to reflect on any personal insecurities or past experiences that may be influencing your trust issues. Understanding these factors can help you address them effectively. For example, journal about times when trust has been difficult for you in the past and explore how those experiences shape your current feelings. Reflect on a time when you trusted someone deeply. What factors contributed to that trust? How can you apply those lessons to your current relationship? Consider how cultural or familial backgrounds influence your perceptions and expectations of trust. Are there beliefs or values that impact how you approach trust in relationships?
Journal about your fears or anxieties related to trust. Are there specific triggers or patterns you notice? How can you address these feelings? -
Set Small Goals: Break down the process of building trust into smaller, achievable goals. For instance, commit to sharing one personal experience or feeling with your boyfriend each week to gradually increase your comfort with vulnerability. This could be as simple as sharing a childhood memory or discussing a personal goal.
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Practice Patience and Self-Compassion: Trust takes time to develop. Be patient with yourself and with the process. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding as you navigate your feelings and relationship dynamics. For example, if you feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts, take a moment to practice deep breathing or mindfulness to calm your mind.
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Seek Support if Needed: Consider talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can provide support and perspective. Sometimes discussing your feelings with a neutral party can offer clarity and guidance. Reach out for support when you feel stuck or unsure how to move forward.
I hope you will view these challenges as an opportunity to work towards building stronger trust and a deeper connection in your relationships. As they say relationships are journeys of growth, and it’s okay to take the time you need to feel secure and comfortable.
I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! 
Take care,
Cool Breeze =)
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Thank you Cool Breeze for the reply, I will definitely take note of the pointers and slowly weave them into practice. 
Would also like to bring up something recent I have noticed. There was a recent issue that caused my boyfriend to feel unhappy. We have communicated why he felt that way and he said he just needs to take some time to understand and process it and that he may appear a bit distant during this process. Indeed he feels more distant after this. I’m confused as to how to respond to this though . Because part of me wants to also pull back since he’s also pulling back. Yet part of me also wants to kind of go towards him because im afraid his retreat means that he might be going towards leaving. By default (from what I usually do), i would tend to pull back when people pull back because i just feel that if they’re being distant this means theyre leaving and i cant do anything about it, hence I shall not becuase anything I do wouldnt matter to change their mind any way.
I dont know whats the best action i shld be taking when things like this happen and I dont know how I shld manage it 
You’re most welcome @user1160 I’m glad to hear that you’re willing to give yourself the time and space to grow! Well done
Navigating situations like this can feel really tough. It sounds like your boyfriend is taking some time to process his feelings, which is important for him to do. Here are a few things you might want to consider:
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Give Him Space with Support: For example, let him know you’re there for him if he wants to talk or needs support, but also respect his need for some distance right now. Maybe send him a supportive message saying, “I understand you need some time to process things. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”
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Stay Connected: While he’s processing, check in occasionally to see how he’s doing. You could send a message like, “Just wanted to see how you’re feeling today. No pressure to talk if you’re not ready, but I’m thinking of you.”
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Communicate Your Feelings: It’s important to express your own feelings too. For instance, let him know if you’re feeling uncertain or worried about his distance. You could say, “I understand you need space, but I also feel a bit unsure when you’re distant. Can we talk about how we’re both feeling when you’re ready?”
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Focus on Yourself: Use this time to focus on your own well-being and interests. Maybe you could spend more time doing activities you enjoy or catching up with friends who support you emotionally.
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Seek Support: If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unsure, talking to a trusted friend or counsellor can provide clarity and support.
Additionally, I’d also like to encourage you to reflect on the following:
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Reflect on your current self-care routines. What are some activities or practices that help you feel calm and grounded? Describe how these rituals contribute to your overall well-being.
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Take a moment to identify your emotional, physical, and mental needs. How well are you meeting these needs in your daily life? Are there areas where you could improve or add more support for yourself?
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Explore your boundaries in relationships, including with your boyfriend. What are your limits when it comes to giving space or seeking closeness? Reflect on how clear boundaries can support both your own well-being and the health of your relationships.
It’s normal for relationships to have their challenges, and it’s okay to feel uncertain sometimes. Trusting each other and keeping the lines of communication open can help navigate these moments together.
Try the above out and if you have any questions, just hit reply =)
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