Lost confidence and motivation because of past events

[mimiteeeee]

Yesterday I had a chat with my bf, and he told me that he had lost confidence in us but doesnt want to give up at the same time. Hes tired and doesnt know what to do.

Some backstory: We got tgt in May, but during Jun/Jul period we had lots of fights, almost every other day. That time we had a chat and we later noticed that its because of my attachment anxiety and anger issue, alot of overthinking and overreacting. He was losing confidence in us because of the amount of conflict. After i gained awareness, i have been working on it and things got better. The fights got alot lesser (once every other week) and the scale were alot smaller.
During yesterday’s chat he told me that he was slowly regaining confidence. But everytime he regained abit, we would get into a fight which caused him to feel hopeless again. He thinks that it is still reasonable for me to feel angry, and knows that it is his problem to feel so affected even to minor conflict, but he dont have the motivation to do anything to it. We did identify that he is the one overreacting nowadays (thinking that im going to get angry or unhappy) and alot of time he got unhappy was because he didnt try to understand me. I feel that both side should be responsible for a fight, so after every fight i will just think of what i did wrong and apologise. But because of Jun Jul period, during every fight now he just assumed its fully my fault and dont think about it which end up triggering me more. He is aware of his problem but have always been escaping, pushing it aside and just enjoy the moment when we spending time tgt.

He said he love me alot and see a future in us because all our bigger goals are aligned, but all these small things triggering our conflicts are making the journey extra difficult. It shouldnt be so difficult. He feels like we are forcing us to be tgt when we’re not suitable. He wants to give up but doesnt want to let go at the same time. I did suggest going to a couple therapy but he doesnt want to and thats why Im seeking help here.

Our final conclusion is for him to stay how he is now and just enjoy the time we spend tgt, at least im aware of how he feels now ill try harder to control my emotions. Meanwhile he will slowly work on getting the motivation and confidence in us back whenever he have the energy to do so. He have been supporting me emotionally when I was trying to make the change, and I told him Ill support him now and not add on to his emotional load. We agreed to sit down and talk again in mid feb. However honestly im not confident i can do this. Im an emotionally weak person who explodes and breakdown when i face uncertainty, yes things are better now but idk if i can really control myself and not get emotional for this 1 mth. Im actually quite surprise I didnt cry yest during the chat, i guess seeing him in tears just makes me want to get stronger for him. Even now as im typing all these i feel surprisingly calm, though i can feel my heart beating faster.

Can anybody help give some suggestions how we can work on this, either for me or for him? Or should we really give up?

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hi @mimiteeeee,

Thank you for sharing so openly—it takes courage to reflect so deeply on your relationship, and I want to acknowledge how thoughtful and self-aware you’ve been throughout this journey.

From what you’ve shared, I sense that there’s a lot of emotional weight on your shoulders right now. While you’ve been working hard to manage your emotions and support your boyfriend, the calmness you felt during your recent conversation, if I may ask, does it also reflect how drained you’re feeling? It’s not unusual to feel tired or even ready to let go after carrying the emotional labour of being the “fixer” for so long.

Your post suggests that you’ve been adopting a rescuer role in your relationship, constantly attempting to resolve issues, avoid conflict, and maintain harmony. This role comes from a place of love and care, but more importantly, how are you feeling?

When your boyfriend expressed his doubts about the relationship, were you triggered? Was it making you question whether you’re the only one holding everything together? In this dynamic, even if that’s not his intention, especially when he assumes fights are “fully your fault” or avoids addressing his own role in conflicts, this shift might explain why you’re feeling calmer yet unsettled—it’s like a part of you is considering whether the effort you’re putting in is worth it. What do you think?

First and foremost, it’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to question your place in the relationship and wonder whether it’s healthy for you to continue in this dynamic. You’ve been giving so much of yourself, and it’s natural to feel drained when the balance feels uneven.

Let’s take a moment to centre this on you—how you feel, what you need, and what will help you move forward. It’s not selfish to prioritise yourself in this situation. In fact, it’s essential for both your emotional well-being and the health of the relationship.

It’s worth reflecting on whether you feel like you’re stuck in a fixer role, always trying to make things better. Ask yourself:

• Do you feel like you’re the only one taking responsibility for conflicts?
• Do you feel heard and understood when you share your feelings?
• Is there a balance between giving and receiving emotional support in the relationship?

These questions aren’t meant to place blame but to help you understand the patterns in your relationship and how they’re impacting you.

If you’re feeling tired, it might help to step back and re-evaluate what you need from this relationship. Here’s how you can do that:

• Explore your needs: Take time to reflect on what you need to feel supported, valued, and secure in the relationship. Write these down if it helps clarify your thoughts.
• Set boundaries: If you feel like you’re taking on too much emotional labour, it’s okay to ask for more balance. For example, you could ask your boyfriend to reflect on his role in conflicts rather than assuming they’re entirely your fault.
• Shift the focus to shared responsibility: Instead of always being the one to apologise or make changes, gently encourage your boyfriend to actively work on his own emotional reactions and contributions to the relationship.

It’s clear that you care deeply about your boyfriend, but relationships thrive when both partners are equally invested in nurturing the connection. Supporting him while he regains confidence in the relationship is kind and compassionate, but don’t forget to check in with yourself. If you’re constantly giving without receiving, it’s important to pause and ask whether this dynamic is sustainable for you.

You’ve already shown incredible strength and love, but you don’t have to carry the weight of the relationship alone. Whatever you choose to do next, whether it’s continuing to work on things or stepping back to prioritise your well-being, know that you are deserving of a relationship where you feel fully seen, heard, and valued.

We are here for you as you navigate these complex emotions—feel free to share more as you process things. Sometimes, just taking a moment to focus on yourself can bring a sense of clarity and calm.

[HanSolo2000]

Hi @mimiteeeee,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Relationships can be so difficult, especially when emotions and past conflicts are at play. It’s clear that you both deeply care for each other and want to make things work despite the challenges. It’s commendable how much effort you’ve put into self-awareness and trying to manage your emotions. Recognizing and acknowledging your own issues is a significant step, and you’ve already made progress by reducing the frequency and intensity of your fights.

It’s also understandable that your boyfriend feels a sense of hopelessness at times. It’s tough when past conflicts linger and affect the present. The fact that he’s slowly regaining confidence shows that there’s still potential for growth and improvement in your relationship. It’s important for both of you to support each other emotionally and to communicate openly about your feelings and concerns. It might be helpful to establish some ground rules for how to handle conflicts when they arise, ensuring that both of you feel heard and understood.

Given the progress you’ve made and the love you have for each other, it seems worth continuing to work on your relationship. Therapy can be incredibly beneficial, but if he’s not ready for that, perhaps starting with self-help resources or individual therapy for each of you might be a step in the right direction. Be patient with yourselves and each other, and remember that it’s okay to seek support from friends, family, or professionals as you navigate this journey together.