Feeling Anxious around my Husband

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1

We have been married for 14 years but I am on tenterhooks around my husband. He had been criticizing me and not communicating with me for a very long time till I confronted him few weeks back and we promised to work things out a few weeks back.

He has a very close female colleague that he has been confiding in and sending back from office/meet outside when working from home for discussion often which I really mind a lot. He claims that he will try to reduce but he needs time and won’t totally cut ties with her. He claims that the problem is between us and not due to a 3rd party as he had fallen out of love for me.

I have been trying hard to please him and get back our love, to go back to when we 1st fall for each other. Things will turn out fine for a while but it gets reset once I gets triggered with him texting the female colleague on the side late at night or on weekends/holidays and worrying that he may fetch/send her or meet her outside.

I get overly tensed and anxious around him, fearing that he will not love me anymore and pushing him to the colleague when I confront him about the frequent communication and closeness with that colleague. He told me that he will cut down but it takes time. It can’t be within days or weeks. And that there is no definite timeline as to when he can do so. After all, he had fallen out of love with me for a long time. He wants me to get myself better so that he can find the reasons to love me.

My emotions have been on a rollercoaster ride. I have difficulty eating/sleeping and lost all my interest all of the sudden, having my whole world revolving around him. I can’t function properly, and I’m worried that I will affect my kids too.

I’m desperately looking for help on how to manage my feelings and tide through this so that I will be able to pull him over and not push him away. I appreciate his efforts of improving after the confrontation but just not as fast as I had expected it to be. I feel that I am not as important as his colleague as he knew that she is the trigger but would not break ties with her.

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Hi @Snap,

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal—it takes a lot of courage to open up like this, especially when you’re feeling so vulnerable. I can hear how much you love your husband and want to make things work, and that in itself shows just how much effort and heart you’re putting into this relationship.

It’s understandable that you’re feeling anxious, hurt, and maybe even a little stuck right now. Despite your efforts to maintain composure, your husband’s relationship with his colleague seems to overshadow the progress you’ve both made. You’ve been carrying so much on your shoulders, so it’s understandable that your emotions feel scattered.

First, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the small victories: You’ve had that difficult conversation with your husband, and he’s aware of your feelings. That’s no small feat—it shows that you’re willing to confront uncomfortable truths to make the relationship stronger. Even though progress might not be as fast as you’d hoped, it’s still progress.

But I also want to gently remind you that your well-being is just as important as your husband’s and the relationship’s. While it’s acceptable to experience hurt and conflict, it’s equally important to step back and consider what you need to feel loved and secure. Sometimes, focusing on our own needs gives us the clarity to navigate situations like this with more balance.

About his connection with his colleague—I know how hard it is to feel like someone else is a factor in your relationship. While he says he needs time to reduce contact, it’s okay for you to express how much his effort to prioritise the marriage would mean to you. Perhaps it’s not about cutting ties immediately but showing consistent steps that rebuild trust.

In the meantime, I wonder if you can take small steps to nurture yourself. Maybe try journaling your feelings, spending time with someone who makes you feel supported, or simply taking moments in your day to breathe deeply and centre yourself. It’s about finding little ways to fill your own cup so that you’re not pouring from an empty one.

Your emotions are valid, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes. You’re not alone in this, and you’re showing incredible strength just by holding on and reaching out for support. I’m here to hold this space for you whenever you need to share, and I believe in your ability to navigate this—one step at a time. You’ve got this. :yellow_heart:

3

Thanks for your advice, @FuYuan_Affections .

I feel like I’m falling apart and my anxiety has come back. I keep having the uneasiness in my chest, being unable to eat or sleep properly. This has taken a toll on my health.
Even my kids, who are so precious to me have taken a backseat now and they can no longer calm me as before.
I’m afraid that I am losing myself and no longer know who am I…

4

reading what you’ve shared, thank you for sharinggg, i really feel you’ve done so much in the capacity you have, so send you big hugs and support first of all!!!
the convo you and your partner have sounds pretty open and honest thus far, its not easy to have these kinds of conversations with this level of care, especially when complicated emotions are involved.
i feel that maybe what would be significant now would be gaining back control for yourself and your own emotions. you did something right by having a calm convo with your husband, but yet his reaction and actions you cannot control and it wouldn’t be exactly what you hoped for. your children wouldnt be able to always provide that comfort for you, maybe because it is exactly what you last said, that you no longer know who you are… in life, no one can get that answer but you. and that is within your control. it is within our own control to find out who we are once again. try doing things for yourself, go on dates with yourself (can be long or short), do reflections at somewhere cosy and nice, enjoy small things you personally like, spend intentional time with yourself to slowly understand yourself again. we all need to love ourselves best before anyone else can love us.
i am certain you’ll be able to find yourself and maybe other things will become clearer for you too :people_hugging:

5

Thanks so much for Ur advice, @duckling . :people_hugging: It’s seems like a daunting task and I can only take baby steps to find myself back… All the things I used to like doesn’t interest me anymore and I need to explore new stuff, pull myself out of this spiral…

6

Hi @Snap, thank you for having the courage to share your story.

It sounds incredibly painful and stressful to feel as if your efforts to rekindle the love in your marriage are constantly being challenged. It’s natural to feel tense and anxious when you see him maintaining a close relationship with his colleague, especially given the history of his criticism and lack of communication. Your feelings of insecurity and fear of not being loved are completely valid, and it’s understandable why these situations would trigger such strong emotions.

The fact that you’re trying so hard to repair your relationship and are also worrying about the potential impact on your kids shows just how much you care. It’s important to recognize that while you’re striving to rebuild your connection with your husband, you also need to take care of yourself. Finding ways to manage your anxiety and maintain your well-being is crucial, both for your own health and to ensure you can be there for your children. It might be helpful to consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can offer guidance tailored to your situation and help you develop strategies to cope with these intense emotions.

However, it may be helpful to know that re-building a relationship takes time and it’s not solely your responsibility. It’s okay to express your needs and set boundaries regarding what you’re comfortable with. Your feelings matter too, and it’s important that they’re acknowledged and respected in this process. While it’s admirable to work on the relationship, it’s equally important to ensure that your emotional well-being is prioritized. Take small steps towards self-care and try to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals who can provide a listening ear and valuable insights during this challenging time.

7

Thanks for your advice, @HanSolo2000 . Will try to take small steps to improve my emotional well-being, trying to put up a strong front. However I’m still not very comfortable sharing with my friends and family as I do not want them to worry about me…

8

In situations like this I would recommend focussing on yourself and putting your own growth in front might help. You can celebrate every little victory that you have achieved which is very daunting but will also help build your confidence. It is a very tough situation especially since you have kids as well, but building mental resilience is very important as it will also show to your kids that mummy knows she is important and will help them develop that trait through you. In a family life we women get so engrossed that we forget ourselves and make our family our identity and is very natural.
Talk to a confident friend about small situations that you encounter with your husband like talking to his friend and try to find solution with them can help too. I would suggest please don’t suffer alone.