My husband’s female coworker recently shifted from addressing him formally in text messages with ‘Hi [Name]’ to a more casual ‘Ello, fren.’ Is this something I should be concerned about?
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Hi @rainyday,
It’s very understandable to feel a bit uneasy when dynamics in your husband’s work relationships shift, especially when it’s in the form of a more casual greeting from a coworker. Often, in close relationships, small things can feel significant because they impact our sense of safety and connection.
Would it be helpful to talk with your husband about how you feel? Sometimes expressing curiosity without implying judgment can lead to a reassuring conversation. For example, you could mention that you noticed the change in language and ask if it’s just part of their team culture.
Remember, open communication can be a good way to create understanding. It’s okay to seek clarity and to trust your instincts while allowing yourself some patience with any feelings of worry. You’re showing how much you care about your relationship, and that’s something to feel confident in.
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Thank you for your advice. I tried talking to my husband, but before I could fully express how I felt, he got defensive and cut me off. He said he’s already struggling at work and that I was focusing on minor issues, which made me feel guilty for bringing it up or even feeling upset in the first place. We ended up arguing without any resolution. It feels like he just wants me to listen and accept his reassurance that there’s nothing going on and that he didn’t cheat, so we can move on. I ended up doing just that because I’m exhausted from trying to explain my feelings when he doesn’t seem to listen or understand. I know this is only a temporary fix, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, and I feel even more paranoid now.
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It sounds like you’re in a difficult spot, feeling like your emotions and concerns are dismissed instead of being heard and understood. Your attempt to share your feelings was an important step, and his defensive response, while possibly stemming from his own stress, doesn’t lessen the weight of what you’re feeling. It’s natural to feel more paranoid and uneasy when efforts to communicate aren’t received as hoped, especially when it feels like you’re being asked to simply set aside your worries without clarity.
It’s understandable to feel anxious when faced with uncertainty, especially when doubts and concerns build up internally. Right now, focusing on the “what ifs” and trying to solve every possible outcome on your own is understandably making you feel more tense. It might help to remember that clarity often comes not from thinking our way through anxiety but from stepping back to let the emotions settle.
Taking it one day at a time without needing every answer at once can help. Allowing yourself to sit with the discomfort rather than fearing it can build resilience and calm. When you’re ready, grounding yourself in the present—whether through a gentle walk, deep breathing, or an activity that brings you peace—can help quiet the urge to jump ahead to conclusions. Each small moment of calm will give you more courage, making it easier to face things without feeling overwhelmed.
You don’t have to have everything figured out now; giving yourself this space to breathe can bring you closer to the answers in a way that feels less pressured. Let yourself lean into patience and self-compassion right now, and know that you are stronger than this anxiety.
In the meantime, focusing on grounding techniques—such as journaling, practicing mindfulness, or setting aside time to do something that brings you calm—might help manage the immediate feelings of paranoia and exhaustion. It’s okay to take these steps for your own peace of mind, even if they seem small; they can make a big difference in how you navigate these challenges.
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Are there any other underlying issues that you’re facing with your husband? You mentioned feeling exhausted from explaining your feelings - is that something that changed recently or has it been this way all along?
Honestly, it’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Whenever we encounter a problem, instead of discussing it openly, he tends to dismiss my concerns and expects me to accept his reasoning, assuming everything will be fine in the end. Most of the time, I go along with it just to end the argument.
There was a similar incident in the past where he hid his female coworkers from me. After persistent questioning, he finally admitted that he knew them from his previous company. I don’t understand why he felt the need to be so secretive about it. He does share work stories with me, but now that I think about it, he only mentions incidents involving male coworkers. Rarely does he talk about his female coworkers—only the older or more senior ones. When it comes to newer, younger female colleagues, he doesn’t bring them up.
For example, the female coworker I asked about has actually been working with him on a project for some time. I was aware of the project and the issues he’s been facing, but he only mentioned working with a male colleague, conveniently leaving out the female coworker. This pattern doesn’t help with my trust issues regarding him.
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It definitely sounds like there are some trust issues that’s why he’s only selectively sharing stuff with you.
Maybe it’s not just about your trust in him but also his trust in you. Maybe he’s afraid you’ll have a certain reaction if he tells you certain things. Maybe he doesn’t tell you certain things because he doesn’t want to deal with his perceived reaction from you.
Have you addressed this issue directly? Like ask him if there’s a reason why he only talks about male colleagues and not female colleagues? Is it because he scared you’ll be jealous or something? And will you?
I feel (and it’s my personal opinion only) that this kind of thing better address early and directly. The more of such incidents, the more trust gets eroded between both of you.