I would like to seek your opnions on my current platonic r/s with my colleague. I’m a working in the same department with my female colleague.
I would say we are having a platonic relationship(office best friend), as we are really close but I never once cross the boundary since she is in a long-term relationship with her BF. I never once go out with her afterwork alone. We only went out together as a group with other colleagues.
The only thing we did is have lunch together during work hours, usually together with other colleagues. We talk during office hours and at one point we are texting each other after work hours. Maybe that cross the boundary, and she kinda stop replying my message after work hours, so I respect that.
Now recently, I kinda piss her off by calling her fat in a joking way. Since then she has been giving me the cold shoulder, and started talking to other guy colleague and going gym with him. For context, she talks to everyone in the office whether is it guy or girl. She is a social butterfly.
When I found out that she has been talking to him. I don’t know why I feel this strong jealous emotion. Now what I want to know is from your point of view, am I jealous because I have feelings for her? Or am I jealous because “I am her guy best friend and I am being replaced”?
I hate that I feel jealously as I should not have! She is attached.
Thank you for taking the time to share your struggles. It’s understandable that you’re trying to make sense of your emotions in this situation. Jealousy can be a complex and multifaceted emotion, and it’s great that you’re reflecting on it.
In your case, it’s possible that the jealousy is stemming from a few different sources:
Feeling Replaced: You mentioned that you’ve been close with your colleague, and her recent interactions with another male colleague may make you feel like you’re being replaced in terms of friendship or camaraderie.
Realization of Attachment: It’s also possible that, over time, you developed a level of attachment to your colleague beyond just a platonic friendship. The realization that she’s connecting with someone else on a personal level might be triggering these emotions. You might need to explore more on this area to gain more clarity.
Reflecting on Boundaries: The incident where you jokingly called her fat and it led to her distancing herself could have highlighted the importance of respecting boundaries. This might be making you question the dynamics of your relationship with her.
Understanding the root cause of your jealousy can be helpful in addressing and managing these emotions. It might be helpful to reflect on your own feelings and perhaps have an open and honest conversation with your colleague. However, I can imagine it might be a sensitive time, so you could consider approaching the conversation with sensitivity and respect for her feelings and boundaries.
Remember, it’s okay to feel emotions, including jealousy, but what matters is how you choose to handle and address those emotions If you find that your feelings are becoming challenging to manage, seeking support from friends, family, or even a counselor can provide valuable perspectives and coping strategies.
If you do need to speak to a mental health professional or a relationship counsellor to help you through this period, do feel free to talk to anyone in the nearest Family Service Centre or speak to someone online too:
- Limitless : Talk To Someone - Limitless
- CPH chat : https://www.cphonlinecounselling.sg/hc/en-us
- IMH CHAT : Home - CHAT
- ec2.sg : https://fycs.org/ec2-sg
Ultimately, maintaining clear communication and respecting boundaries is key in any relationship, whether it’s platonic or otherwise. I hope this was helpful! Do share with us your thoughts, we’d love to support you further.
Hear from you soon!
Happy new year! Would like to express my thanks. Reading your advice really helps to my piece my emotions together.
So the next day, I reflected on myself and realise for the whole year I am always complaining to her about my job. And I realise, it must be really tiring to hear this. Since, it is Xmas I have decided to buy a gift and express my thanks as a friend. Instead of feeling bad and jealous, I decided to express gratitude and I like it.
The gift is well received and she buy me a gift too. She express that I am her first friend and office besties. Reading the card makes me happy. Now I’m quite sure a huge percentage of jealously is fear of being replaced as the office best friend. And a small percentage of I might have developed a tiny bit attraction to her which I know it should not happen. We are just really good friends. I want to keep it that way.
So right now I am trying to not to over think as she did claim that there is nothing going on between her and her gym buddy (someone is spreading rumours in the office). And she also told me how she is spending time with her current bf. The weird thing is I am not jealous of her bf! In fact I am happy for her.
Right now, everything is back to normal. We are chatting. Question is how do I stop this toxic thinking? It’s not healthy for me, even for my future r/s, I don’t want to be an overthinker. Even now when I saw her go gym with her with her gym buddy kinda makes me feel abit of jelaousy (not as much as my initial post) and I overthink different scenarios . I really hate how my mind works sometimes.
Thanks for sharing more details, I appreciate the openness. It’s great that you’ve taken steps to express gratitude and maintain a positive dynamic with your friend. It’s also commendable that you recognize the potential for toxic thinking and want to address it.
Here are some strategies to help you manage and redirect those thoughts:
- Challenge Negative Thoughts:
- Focus on Gratitude:
- Regularly practice gratitude to shift your mindset toward positive aspects of your life. You can also reflect on the positive qualities of your friendship and the positive experiences you share.
- Set Boundaries:
- Establish clear boundaries for yourself & recognize when you’re investing too much emotional energy into scenarios that may not be realistic. Do remember that friendships can evolve, and it’s okay to have other connections as well.
- Distract Yourself:
- Engage in activities that you enjoy and that can take your mind off negative thoughts. You can focus on hobbies, work, or other aspects of your life too.
Remember, managing these thoughts is an ongoing process, and it’s okay to seek professional help if you find it challenging to process them on your own. Developing a healthier mindset takes time and practice, so be patient with yourself too!
Let us know if the strategies worked for you? Hear from you soon!