Over the years I think I may have been subconsciously restricting myself from food and became overly obsessed with eating healthy. Recently though, I’ve started noticing my binge eating cycles and I’ve never felt so appalled and disgusted at how much I consume in one sitting. I grew to adapt chewing and spitting, throwing away perfectly fine food…and eventually it led to purging. I’m kind of in denial that it harms me because I’ve never really felt much physical pain from doing the act. I’ve also started to convince myself that it wasn’t a problem that was ‘bad enough’ to reach out so now I’m just drowning in guilt and self doubt every night after I binge. I realised it affects my mental state in ways like comparing with my siblings and other people because I’d always wonder ‘how did they face their own problems without needing help? Why am I so weak that I’m the only one who wants therapy?’ It makes me feel like a lesser person. The reason I’ve never reached out yet even when I do want help is the fear of my parents knowing and the guilt I develop for making myself a liability when they’re already so busy with work. Furthermore, what if I open up and it affects my work life? Do these problems get written down in my history? What if I have a lesser chance of getting employed because of past mental health issues? The stress, the binging and purging, the lack of motivation and laziness is also affecting my ability to study for O levels. I’m currently in the middle of my prelims and I’m still struggling to sit down and study because I’d end up just binging the whole day. I lack discipline and self control and I wonder if people think it’s just a stupid problem to face because others have it worse. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Sorry it’s a lot. Just trying to look for advice without having to risk anyone I know finding out.
