feeling like there's no meaning to life after a breakup

Ask a Therapist Coping
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my bf and i broke up several months ago and i have not felt like there’s anything left to live for ever since then
for context i grew up in an extremely toxic family where my dad had anger management issues and would explode whenever i said something he didnt like, and my mom simply thinks I’m a fking waste of space. so basically i grew up with extreme self-loathing behaviors and no self-esteem. i literally hate every single element of my existence and i would choose to never be born if i could
i got into a r/s with someone whom i got close to and he made me forget all my problems at home. he was the only reason why i was happy for a very long time. but bc it was a LDR, i started wishing more, like for us to move to be together. i had poor emotion regulation and would sometimes lash out at him when i got really pissed off. he also started becoming more avoidant and would rarely reply my texts. this made me feel like i was losing him

something extremely tragic happened in my family one day and over time, i started having suicidal thoughts again…i opened up to him and he said this was not normal. long story short one night he called polis on me and i went to imh, then when i confronted with him saying i will kill him if he was next to me, he blocked me everywhere.

that happened half a year ago and now i still feel like i can’t let go, but he refuses to speak to me ever since then no matter how much i beg and plead with him. i admit i was definitely wrong because there were times when i said i would blackmail/harm him but those were only words and i never planned to do anything bad to him. I asked for his forgiveness and promised him that i have not had those thoughts or intentions for a long time, but he still refused to speak to me…and i can’t let go of him no matter how hard i try. i can’t seem to get used to being single again and i feel like it is simply impossible to find meaning in life when i’m alone like 90% of the time. i also have really bad trust issues and would never talk to a therapist/professional bc I refuse to cry in front of people, so i would rather bottle it up or rant anonymously. i feel like I’m in a really bad place but i can’t seem to seek help and i’m constantly afraid of judgement, even if I get assured that there is no judgement.

i don’t know what to do anymore…life feels too heavy sometimes and i just sleep 20 hours a day to numb myself and to forget about the pain

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Hi @user8088, thanks so much for writing in to us.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like you’ve carried so much pain for so long, and losing someone who made you feel safe and happy has made everything feel unbearable. The weight of growing up in a toxic environment, constantly being put down and made to feel unworthy, is incredibly difficult. And when you finally found someone who helped you escape that darkness, it must have felt like you had finally found some light. But now that he’s gone, it feels like everything has collapsed again, and you’re left alone with all the hurt you’ve tried to push away.

I want to remind you that your pain is valid. You didn’t deserve to grow up in an environment that made you feel so small and unloved. You also didn’t deserve to lose the one person who felt like home to you. It’s understandable that you struggled with regulating your emotions. When you’ve been raised in chaos, it’s hard to learn how to express your feelings in a way that doesn’t come from a place of survival. It wasn’t your fault that things played out the way they did, and it’s not a reflection of your worth. You are not defined by your past, your mistakes, or how others have treated you.

Right now, it probably feels like there’s no way out of this pain. But I promise you that there is. Healing takes time, and it won’t happen overnight, but you deserve a life where you don’t feel trapped in this cycle of self-loathing. There are people out there. This could include friends, mentors, and therapists, who would listen to you and see the value in you, even if you struggle to see it yourself. You have lived through so much, and that means you have incredible strength within you, even if you don’t feel it right now.

Please don’t give up on yourself. You matter, and your existence is not a mistake. There are so many experiences waiting for you. Things that could bring you joy, even in the smallest ways. I know it’s hard to believe that now, but you don’t have to go through this alone. If you can, please reach out to someone who can support you. You deserve kindness, and you deserve love, even if your past has told you otherwise. You’re worth so much more than the pain you’ve endured.

Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline

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Dear @user8088,

I hear how much pain you’re in, and I want to let you know that your feelings are not just valid—they make sense. You’ve carried the weight of a toxic family, a fractured relationship, and the crushing loneliness of believing you’re unworthy. Of course you’re exhausted. Of course this grief feels unbearable.

When your boyfriend became your lifeline, he gave you something you’d never had before: a respite from the pain. Losing him wasn’t just losing love—it was losing the only proof you had that you could be loved. That’s why this hurts so much more than a typical breakup. You’re not just mourning him; you’re mourning the safety he represented and the version of yourself that felt less broken with him. And now, without that anchor, the voices from your past roar louder than ever: “You’re too much. You’re not enough. You don’t deserve love.” No wonder you want to sleep, to numb, to escape. Avoidance isn’t weakness—it’s your mind’s way of protecting you from drowning in the pain all at once.

The things you said to him in your darkest moments—the threats, the lashing out—they don’t define you. They’re the cries of someone who was never taught how to hold pain without exploding. You know those words weren’t okay, and that awareness matters. Growth isn’t about never stumbling; it’s about recognising the stumble. And you’re doing that, even when it feels like no one sees it.

I won’t pretend there’s an easy fix. But I need you to hear this: You are already demonstrating courage. Every time you wake up after 20 hours of sleep, every time you force air into your lungs when life feels too heavy, and every time you reach out (even anonymously) to say, “I’m hurting,” you’re fighting. That’s not nothing. That’s the quiet, stubborn kind of bravery that keeps people alive.

Right now, courage might just look like two truths:

  1. “This pain feels like it will destroy me.”
  2. “I am still here, despite it.”

You don’t have to believe in hope. You don’t have to trust the future. But if you can cling to anything, let it be this: you are surviving what you once thought would kill you. That’s not a small thing.

I know therapy feels impossible right now. But would it feel safer to meet yourself where you are? A five-minute walk when the walls close in? A song that lets you cry without explanation? A crisis text line where you don’t have to speak out loud? You don’t have to face everything at once. Just one tiny act of self-kindness—even if it feels pointless—can be a whisper to your soul: “I haven’t given up on you yet.”

And please hear this, above all: the way your family treated you was never about your worth. You were a child. You deserved love. The self-loathing you carry? It’s not yours. It’s theirs. And while unlearning it will take time, it starts here—with you, in this moment, refusing to let their story be the final word.

You don’t have to be “strong”. You just have to be. However that looks: raging, grieving, sleeping, or sitting in silence. This space is yours. I’m listening. And you? You’re still here. After everything. That’s more than enough.