Hi,
I had started to see my partner that is from another SEA country, once in June, Jul over just 1-3 days each and once in August where my partner came to visit over National Day week and I later decided to go back with my partner for two weeks. We had just been Instagram friends chatting randomly once in awhile, since Jul 2022 and we never got the chance to meet up until only in June when I was went to visit with my family and got the chance to hang out over drinks. We never got to really discuss and talk about our relationship if it was indeed a relationship or how we were going to move forth with it. However, we had become closer after these three months of knowing each other better and everyday video calls and texting whenever we’re not physically together.
I went over recently in October to visit while my friends were also going to visit and spent time together. However, it had begun a week or two before I went over whereby my partner felt quite distant and he started to change. Even when I was there with my partner, he felt less caring and uninterested, unlike before. I had decided one of the days, that I was going to ask my partner what was going to happen to us, especially when my partner had just got an job offer in Maldives. I had agreed that him getting a job in Maldives while I’m in Singapore is not going to solve the distance between us as my partner had already found it hard and something that doesn’t make much sense for him between our two home countries since my partner prefers more physical interaction ultimately too. My partner also suggested that we could still remain in contact as friends and if ever someone else comes along, I could still go ahead.
When I left and came back to Singapore, I had still responded to my partner’s messages casually trying not to have any feelings/emotions and attachment. However, sometimes I think of the negative side of my partner of how uninterested and less caring during the most recent times. I was upset that my partner could not even talk to me face to face in person properly even until we left each other at the airport. I had decided to have a video call a week after and we cleared things up more but still staying as friends. We still messaged a little now and then, and just go silent for awhile as well. I decided I didn’t want to involve my partner as much and didn’t want to still communicate much with my partner but my partner asked on the recent Saturday about my job application that went the final round. Eventually, I gave my partner an update about it.
Apart from all of these, this has definitely got to be the reason I have had sleepless nights or sleep and wake up middle of the night thinking a lot about it. My partner probably had it so easy, as already had the thought of not wanting this anymore and just being friends but decided to tell my so much later, hence my partner could also be so carefree and happy. My partner had even thought of coming to Singapore to tell me, which made me confused why. My partner has been texting casually since I got back but after one week, it has been on and off and not as casual and friendly as before. I keep thinking if I should really still text as friends while I still feel hurt about some negative feelings. I do feel I may be bad for not texting and leaving no contact but I shouldnt as well. I keep having bad sleep because all of these that I keep stressing over.
I am in a very bad situation of struggling and stressing over multiple job interviews trying to seek and secure a new job as I had been affected by a layoff in Jul.
First of all, thank you for sharing your concerns and feelings with us so openly on this platform. I appreciate your honesty. I can see that you’re grappling with complex emotions and uncertainties surrounding your relationship with your partner who is from another SEA country. The fluctuating dynamics, from the initial closeness and connection to the recent distance and detachment, have left you feeling disoriented and burdened with emotional strain; and this is completely understandable.
I’d like to encourage you that it is normal to experience a range of feelings in such a situation, especially when there are so many uncertainties about the status and future of the relationship. The inconsistency in your partner’s behavior and the challenge of transitioning from a more intimate connection to friendship can really be quite taxing, especially when there are still feelings of hurt within the relationship.
I completely empathise with your experience - from the mix of emotions, coupled with the stress of job interviews and the impact of a recent layoff; all these can undoubtedly amplify feelings of uncertainty and emotional distress. It’s understandable that the ongoing back-and-forth in communication and the ambiguity about maintaining contact can add to your mental and emotional burden.
Managing such emotional weight while dealing with job-related stress is undoubtedly overwhelming. I would like to encourage you to take some time for self-care and introspection, allowing yourself to process your emotions at your own pace. There are a few things you can do to take care of yourself, and here are some tools that might help:
I feel that in this turbulent time, it is important for you to think about your emotional wellbeing and consider what feels most comfortable for you regarding maintaining communication with your partner - this could be a step toward relieving some of the emotional stress. I also encourage you, perhaps you could try to establish clear boundaries that respect your feelings and mental health too.
It would also be great if you could seek support from trusted friends, family, or a professional, who can offer you a space to share your thoughts and feelings and gain insights that could assist in navigating these complex emotions and decisions.
Last but not least, please do prioritize your own mental health and well-being amidst these challenging circumstances Give yourself permission to take the time you need to process and heal from these emotional difficulties.
Please let us know how you’re doing, we’d love to continue to support you here.
Not a relationship expert here but I always believed in clean breakups. Staying as “friends” just complicate things and leave too much room for ambiguity. Also if he started off as an Instagram friend then I’m guessing both of y’all don’t have many mutual friends. If there are no mutual friends, it’s probably easier to have a clean breakup too.
Thank you for your thoughts on staying as “friends". I would love to but I feel I am still hurting which I was thinking to myself if it is even too much to ask for whereby my “ex" hasn’t exactly said a word of sorry for hurting you or asking how I am feeling. Till the last day I left to come back to Singapore until now. My “ex" didn’t seem to even want to speak to me directly to my face. As my “ex" seems to be perfectly doing well and being happy, obviously doesn’t hurt as much for my “ex" at all. I think I gave my utmost love, cared, trusted and stressed too much.
I must say we have some mutual friends that we just got to know during the time we were together, introduced to each other’s friends but not that I would really talk to his friends about him as I know they are really close and one of which is a best friend of more than 10 years.
Thanks for for sharing vulnerably. I think you were already invested emotionally during the talking stages and when you went to visit …but because without a very clear definition to the budding relationship, and when you guys decided it to end it, the closeness had been built. It sounded like you are more emotionally invested + bonded to your partner than they were. This isn’t your fault but probably the reason you are feeling extra hurt when your partner already “moved on” faster. I’d suggest you cut off ALL communication for the time-being, and lean on your other friends/loved ones for support rather than this person. Maybe block them online if you have to. You’ll be able to think more rationally, and even though going thru a breakup is always hard, you might see what happened in a more logical way when your emotions are not clouding.
Also try to add some self-care or happy activities into your day and I’m sure your friends will be happy to take you out to recover from the breakup too LDR is always a challenging situation that must have an end goal/timeline and both parties have to align for it to work. After you heal and when you are rational, you can make judgements and still decide later on if you want to continue pursuing the relationship. All the best!!
Thank you so much for all your words! Exactly, I felt that i had given so much love, just my all as it was the real me caring and bothering so much. I am slowly just making no communication though I had thought of asking about a recent backpain in general if it got better and ask about last day of work as my ex would be leaving to relocate next week to Maldives. I think it is just the nice side of me thinking it won’t be very nice to not ask these. Though, i still get reminded i am not alone to fight this battle in securing a new job for myself.
Just want to say that you’re a really caring person who makes the effort to check in on other people e.g. your ex, even when you’re going through a tough period yourself. I hope you know how great you are and that you deserve someone great too!
In this challenging period, I hope that you would put yourself first and channel all your energy into self-healing. Even if this means checking up less on how other people are doing, slowing down, taking a break from job hunting when it gets taxing etc. Be kind to yourself in this period and take care! Feel free to drop us a text here if you need a listening ear.
Exactly I thought I was totally being too kind and nice to even check on some stuff, since it was pretty bad when I was there and even bought some salonpas to help relieve the pain but little did I know what had been going on. I will still look for a new job opportunity but for sure take a break whenever I need to.
Give yourself permission to take the time you need to process and heal from these emotional difficulties.
Even if this means checking up less on how other people are doing, slowing down, taking a break from job hunting when it gets taxing etc. Be kind to yourself in this period and take care! 
Feel free to drop us a text here if you need a listening ear.