Hi,
I came back from a year abroad in Europe. And am having an enormously hard time adapting back to “regular structured life”. I went from countless novel experiences meeting new people, places and living completely on my own with full autonomy of my life, back to living with my parents, having to stick to family meal times, working a regular 9-5 for internship and not meeting people much because everyone in Singapore is so busy. I’ve always found the life in Singapore fast paced and too stifling. Coming back from my travels, it confirms that notion even more. I dream of a life free of responsibilities of family and work (at least for a bit while I figure out and try as many things as I can in my 20s). Not having friends to speak to suddenly also means I spend most of my time spiralling into bad thoughts and ruminating.
And here’s where it gets more complicated. I’m turning 23 this year. I met a Polish guy while travelling and am in a committed long term relationship with him for the last 6 months, of which only 1 month and a week was spent with each other in person. The rest of the time we were calling.
Unfortunately, I’ve been depressed and detached ever since I came back, more than I’ve anticipated and that has strained our relationship a lot. He doesn’t know how to support me and I can’t force myself to be happy for us to have a “normal” conversation. I’m already feeling so down, so the constant arguments with him and the lack of support means I feel even worse. I feel stuck. Like I can’t move forward but I also can’t move back. Like I’m free falling yet staying firmly stuck in quicksand, like I’m existing in an in-between state of transition.
A few friends told me it will take a long while to adjust, and while I am trying to give myself space and validate being sad instead of rushing through it, my boyfriend can’t understand why I would say that. He says “if you’re anticipating being sad for awhile, then of course you’ll be sad”. He’s taking more of a “just look on the bright side, be positive” stance which makes me feel even more lonely than I already am, and invalidated. Sometimes I leave our conversation even more down than when I first came online. I know he feels helpless. And I feel a subtle pressure that he’s just waiting for me to get better so we can go back to being “normal” again as soon as possible. I feel stuck.
I tried taking a break before but on his end that seems to mean we are taking one step towards break up. So I had to come out of the break prematurely. There was a handful of days where I woke up feeling motivated, and optimistic. We had such good loving conversations then. But then the next day I wake up feeling such an overwhelming sense that things could never be good again… and when we call he expected that happy person but the person he got instead was distant and emotionless. I don’t know what to do.
Hi @user1755,
I really hear the weight of what you’re carrying—feeling stuck, disconnected, and uncertain about both your personal life and your relationship. Returning to a life that feels so different from what you were experiencing must be incredibly overwhelming, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling lost between two worlds.
It sounds like you’re navigating a lot of pressure from yourself and others, especially when it comes to your relationship and how your sadness is perceived. Feeling like you’re disappointing your boyfriend, while also not being able to meet his expectations for ‘normalcy,’ can be really painful. It seems like you’re doing the best you can in a situation that leaves you feeling emotionally drained and unsure.
You’re in a period of transition, and transitions can be incredibly disorienting. It’s acceptable to not possess all the answers at this moment. It’s okay to feel detached from both yourself and your relationship—you’re going through something big. Sometimes, it’s difficult to be ‘the happy person’ when you don’t feel like yourself. It’s also hard to take steps toward change when you feel like you’re being rushed or judged.
Let’s take a moment to focus on what’s underneath the pressure to ‘get better.’ It seems like part of your struggle comes from feeling like you need to be okay, especially for the people around you. What would it be like if you didn’t have to rush your healing? Can we explore ways that might allow you to feel more accepted for where you are, without having to show up as the person everyone else expects?
You’ve already been through so much and are doing your best to cope. It’s important to recognise those efforts, even when things don’t feel ‘normal.’ We are committed to your well-being and will approach this matter incrementally. What small thing can we work on right now that might help ease the pressure you’re feeling?"
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The idea of “not rushing my feelings” sounds like such an ideal I can’t truly wrap my mind around. Especially with the arugment with my boyfriend left on a loose end yesterday. I feel like I need to think of something and call him soon to mitigate that issue but the idea of it sounds exhausting as well. And while calling sounds important, I don’t have the slightest clue what to say once we call. Do I create a list of questions we can answer to see if this is a relationship we’d really like to commit to? If I do that will he immediately call me out as being overdramatic again?
If I didn’t have to rush my healing, then I’ll wake up and allow myself to feel the bad feelings if it comes. I think it’s helpful for me when I can anticipate these feelings and then prepare for them. So it made me second guess myself when my boyfriend told me that I shouldn’t do that, that in doing so, I’m making it “easier” to catch the negative feelings.
No one else expects something from me. I guess to some extent I should fulfil what needs to be done in my internship (which is not much at the moment). And for my boyfriend. But other than that… it’s just creating a routine I won’t hate I think? I have days where I wake up and I just have the overwhelming sense of urgency to escape this life, to book another plane ticket and get out of the country, of living with my parents. I want to learn to manage that–to maybe plan a short solo getaway trip for myself for 2 weeks in Korea so I can still introduce a bit of the travelling that I fell in love with last year without going too overboard.
Hi @user1755
Thank you for sharing this with me. I hear that you’re feeling really overwhelmed, not only with the argument with your boyfriend but also with the need to manage your emotions and your relationship. It sounds like you’re caught in a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt, trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation but feeling exhausted by the pressure of it all.
It’s really understandable that you’re questioning whether you should call your boyfriend or not, especially since you’re unsure about how to approach the conversation and what to say. You mentioned that you’re worried he might call you ‘overdramatic,’ and that fear is likely making it harder for you to take the next step. It’s so difficult to communicate your feelings when you’re afraid they might not be received the way you need them to be.
I also hear you saying that you don’t want to rush your healing process and want to allow yourself the time to feel what you’re feeling. I think that’s really important – giving yourself permission to feel your emotions without rushing through them or trying to “fix” them right away. Sometimes we need to let ourselves sit with those feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they are, to truly understand what they’re telling us about our needs.
As for your thoughts on your relationship and your desire for a solo trip, I understand that you’re seeking some space to regain your sense of autonomy. Taking a break, even just for a little while, can help you get clarity on your feelings and give you time to recharge.
What would it look like if you gave yourself permission to just ‘be’ with your emotions, without feeling like you need to take action or make decisions right away? What would it feel like if you could communicate your needs without fearing judgement, especially from your boyfriend?
You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s okay to take the time you need to process everything. You’re not required to possess all the answers at this moment. It’s about finding balance and learning how to navigate your emotions in a way that feels safe and healing for you.
Approach the situation with patience and acknowledge that you are making an effort. We are here if you need to talk more or work through these feelings together.
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