Healing from Anxious Attachment

[tophu]

Just a few days ago, we both agreed to go our separate ways to heal ourselves. I told him I needed several months to focus on myself and that I wouldn’t be reaching out until then. We’re still connected on social media, but we’ve removed ourselves from messaging platforms.

We were in a no-label relationship for about five months. We were taking things slowly, and I was comfortable with that pace. But over time, several incidents led to conflict. As tensions grew due to the stressful environments we were both in, I noticed him becoming more avoidant while I grew more anxious. It triggered my fear of abandonment, and I found myself stuck in freeze responses just to cope. Eventually, I realised I couldn’t continue like that and I had to step away from this connection, even if it wasn’t officially defined as a relationship.

I’ve been doing my best to stay busy by focusing on work, letting myself feel the emotions when they come, and spending time with my friends. That has helped a lot. But my feelings for him linger. The attachment hasn’t faded, and my thoughts about him come and go like waves.

Recently, he posted a screenshot of a chat with a girl I know he talks to daily in and out of work which was something he had mentioned while we were still together. There was nothing romantic in it at all, but I still felt jealous. My mind immediately went: “Why is he posting this? He doesn’t usually share things like this.” “Is she a distraction now?” I don’t like that jealousy. I don’t want to have these controlling or possessive thoughts. Still, I’ve been managing them better than I used to.

I’ve been reflecting on our dynamic. I truly feel that I asked for very little. I always considered his feelings, gave him space, and tried to meet him where he was. I remember once telling him I felt a bit disconnected, so I gently asked for more physical affection when we met. I even said I could share more updates on my day, not to pressure him into replying, just to feel a little more seen. But later, he told me he felt trapped, that giving updates felt like “reporting,” though he never shared that with me until it became a bigger issue.

He often told me, “I really want this to work.” But whenever things got hard, it always came back to “incompatibility.” I can’t help but question that. Is it really incompatibility when what I asked for was simply communication and thoughtfulness? We were both on the same page about taking things slow, so when he said, “I don’t know why you expected something stable from something so unstable,” or “You should’ve known this from the start,” it felt incredibly dismissive.

He’s always told me I’m kind, patient, and understanding. And maybe I was, but I also needed to be understood in return. I think the moment I broke was when we had an unresolved conflict and he didn’t text me for almost ten hours. When I asked how we could move forward, he admitted it was selfish to ignore me but said that’s how he copes. But how is that incompatibility, when I didn’t even know he needed that kind of space?

These are the moments I find myself ruminating over. I understand that some of this might stem from my anxious attachment, and I’m not denying the work I still have to do. I just don’t know where to begin that healing. But I want to try.

[Moodini_6]

Hi there,
Thank you so much for sharing!

I really understand that this is a really tough place to be, full of mixed emotions and uncertainty. it sounds like you’re doing a good job processing your feelings, even though it’s not always easy.

It’s important to take the time to reflect and not rush to conclusions about everything that happened. there are a lot of emotions that need time to heal, and at the same time, there’s room to explore how to heal from the patterns that were present in the relationship - can also help you understand what is truly right and accurate for you in future relationships.

I think you’re already on the right path, and over time, you’ll be able to find a way to heal and understand things more clearly. It’s a process, and it’s not always linear, so try not to judge yourself for the feelings you’ve had or still have.

Trust the process - you are doing your best

[tophu]

(post deleted by author)

[tophu]

Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful feedback, it really means a lot to me! I agree that I have a tendency to jump to conclusions, and it’s something I need to be more mindful of. There’s often more going on than I realise. I’ll keep doing my best and continue working on that.

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hi @tophu the courageous

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and vulnerability. I can hear the pain, confusion, and deep reflection in your words—this is not easy to sit with, and yet here you are, doing the hard work of untangling your emotions. That takes real courage.

Let’s Honor What You’re Feeling

You’re grieving—not just the loss of this connection, but the loss of what you hoped it could be. Even without a formal label, this relationship mattered to you, and it’s okay to mourn that. The jealousy, the rumination, the questions—they’re all part of that grief. You’re not “controlling” for feeling this way; you’re human.

What stands out to me is how deeply you tried—to communicate, to adjust, to meet him where he was. And yet, over time, it seems you were the one doing most of the emotional labor. That’s exhausting. When you asked for basic reassurance or connection, you were labeled “needy,” while his avoidance was framed as “incompatibility.” That double standard hurts. You’re right to question it.

The Core Wound Here

It sounds like his actions (and inactions) tapped into an old fear: “If I ask for my needs to be met, I’ll be abandoned.” So you minimized your needs—asking for “very little,” as you said—to keep the peace. But love shouldn’t demand that you shrink yourself.

When he said things like, “You should’ve known this was unstable,” it dismissed your very valid desire for consistency. Of course you hoped for stability—we all do. The issue wasn’t your expectations; it was the mismatch in how you both defined “effort.”

Where to Begin Healing

1. Validate Your Own Needs

   • Write down what you actually wanted from this connection (e.g., “I wanted to feel prioritized, to trust that conflicts would be repaired”). Then ask: Were these asks unreasonable? (Spoiler: They weren’t.)
   • Practice affirming: “My needs are not ‘too much.’ They’re just not his to meet.”

2. Reframe the “Incompatibility” Narrative

   • Incompatibility isn’t just about differences—it’s about willingness to bridge them. He withdrew; you adapted. That’s not a flaw in you.
   • Consider: “If ‘incompatibility’ means ‘I needed more than he was willing to give,’ then maybe it’s a release, not a failure.”

3. Set Boundaries with Your Rumination

   • When your mind replays conversations, ask: “Am I searching for closure he can’t give?” Closure comes from within—from accepting that his limitations weren’t about your worth.
   • Try a “worry time” ritual: Give yourself 10 minutes to journal all the “what ifs,” then physically close the notebook and say, “I’m not abandoning these thoughts, but I’m done carrying them today.”

4. Reclaim Your Story

   • You describe yourself as kind, patient, and understanding—qualities that you cultivated. They’re yours to keep, regardless of how this ended.
   • Add new words: “I’m also someone who honors her own hurt. Who refuses to settle for breadcrumbs.”

A Note on the Social Media Trigger

Seeing that post stirred jealousy because it echoed an old fear: “Am I being replaced?” But his actions now are about him—not a reflection of your value. You might consider muting his posts for a while. This isn’t avoidance; it’s self-preservation.

Lastly

You’re already beginning to heal—by naming patterns, by sitting with your feelings instead of numbing them, by reaching out here. That’s huge.

When the waves of missing him come, try whispering to yourself: “This is how love lingers. And this is how I learn to let it go.”

We are here if you’d like to explore this further. You’re not alone in this.

[tophu]

I really appreciate your insights, and supportive and reassuring words, thanks so much! The points you have listed to help me begin my healing have guided me in easing my thoughts so far, and I will definitely continue doing so.