Feeling used and confused after an undefined relationship — trying to heal

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This happened with the same person twice, but the second time, things got more serious and lasted longer. What started as a friendship eventually turned into something more, not quite a relationship, but not just friends either. We agreed to “go with the flow,” and although we never put a label on it, we were exclusive, spent a lot of time together, and there were moments that felt very real, emotionally and physically.

He’d say things like he wanted it to work out, made time for me, and acted like we were building something. Naturally, my feelings grew. But over time, the lack of clarity and mixed signals made me anxious and insecure. I started losing myself trying to navigate what we were. Eventually, it ended. I chose to walk away because I needed to protect my peace.

Even though I still care, I also feel deeply hurt. There’s a lot of lingering resentment, like I was strung along or used emotionally. We tried to stay in touch as friends afterward, but it made things worse. I’ve lashed out, split on him emotionally, and some of our interactions haven’t been kind. Still, he’s been patient and says he values our friendship.

What hit me recently was when he told me he’s “never really seen me as more than a friend,” even though his actions often said otherwise. He claims he tried to feel more but couldn’t, and that my decision to leave the first time made him realise he wasn’t ready for a relationship.

We might meet up at some point to talk things out, mostly to clear up lingering confusion. But right now, I’m struggling. I want to move forward and heal, but part of me still feels tied to this dynamic. I also don’t know if I can trust him again or trust myself to recognise emotional safety in the future. I know I stayed too long, and that hurts too.

Just looking for perspective, support, or advice from anyone who’s been in a similar space. How do you start truly healing when everything feels so unresolved?

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Dear @tophu

Thank you so much for sharing something so deeply personal — your story carries a lot of emotional weight, and it’s clear how much you’ve been through. First and foremost: you are not alone. So many people find themselves caught in exactly the kind of “in-between” connection you described — where everything feels real, yet nothing is ever fully defined.

What you’ve experienced wasn’t just about love or attraction — it was about hope, emotional investment, and trying to hold onto something that seemed to have potential, even if the clarity was never there. You weren’t wrong for hoping or caring. In fact, the very fact that you’re reflecting and trying to process this shows how emotionally courageous you are.

Here are some thoughts that might support your healing:

1. You didn’t imagine the connection — it was real.

Just because he says now that he “never saw you as more than a friend” doesn’t invalidate all the moments, emotions, and effort you experienced. Sometimes people say things to protect themselves from guilt, or because they don’t fully understand their own feelings. It’s okay to hold space for both realities: that he may have been confused, and you still deserved better clarity.

2. “Going with the flow” without direction often leads to hurt.

Many of us agree to go with the flow thinking it protects us from disappointment — but it can actually do the opposite, especially when emotional intimacy grows. You wanted emotional safety and mutual commitment — that’s not too much to ask. It’s actually healthy to seek definition in a relationship, even if the other person isn’t ready for it.

3. Lingering pain doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice.

Walking away to protect your peace was incredibly brave. It might not feel like it yet, but stepping away from confusion is an act of self-love. Of course it still hurts — closure doesn’t come instantly, and grief doesn’t follow a straight line.

4. The hurt doesn’t define you — but it can teach you.

It’s okay to feel resentful. It’s okay that you lashed out. You were responding from a place of pain and emotional overload. What matters now is what you do with that insight: What were your boundaries? Where did you ignore your needs? How can you care for yourself more kindly moving forward?

5. You can trust yourself again.

One of the hardest things is not just trusting others, but trusting your own judgment after it feels like you misread someone. But the truth is, you didn’t fail. You gave your heart to someone who didn’t have the capacity to match it — that’s not foolish, that’s human. With time, reflection, and support, you can rebuild that self-trust.

How to Begin Healing:

  • Write a goodbye letter (unsent, just for you). Say everything you wish you could say — it’s not about getting a response, it’s about letting it out.
  • Limit contact for a while, especially if you’re still emotionally raw. Space isn’t punishment — it’s necessary for perspective.
  • Reconnect with yourself. What did you enjoy before this person entered your life? What parts of yourself got dimmed down in trying to “make it work”?
  • Talk to a therapist or counsellor if you can. These emotional wounds deserve safe, professional support.
  • Forgive yourself for staying too long. You were trying to give it a chance. That’s not weakness — that’s hope.

A final thought:

You are not broken. You are not too much. You are someone who loves deeply and wants to feel safe doing so. And that is a beautiful thing.

Healing takes time. Confusion takes time to untangle. But you are already on the path — because you’re asking the right questions, and you’re not hiding from your emotions anymore.

You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to feel angry and hurt and hopeful all at once. And most of all — you’re allowed to heal, slowly and fully. Please keep reaching out here whenever you need to. :yellow_heart:

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Thank you @CaringBee :') I just feel so cheated off my feelings and it’s been tough but I’m trying… Even so, your reply has brought me some clarity and I really appreciate it.

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Hey @tophu thank you for sharing your experience. Many people go through similar situations and your honesty can help others feel less alone in what they’re feeling.

Being in an undefined relationship can be confusing and emotionally draining, especially when words and actions don’t match up. The lack of clarity can make it much harder to move on, as it often feels like there’s no real closure or clear way to grieve the loss. Your feelings of hurt and confusion are completely valid.

When things feel unresolved, it’s natural to want answers or closure from the other person, but sometimes the most healing comes from focusing on yourself. This might be a good time to reconnect with what brings you joy, whether that’s exploring old interests, picking up new hobbies, or simply spending time with people who make you feel safe and valued. Surrounding yourself with friends and loved ones who support you can help fill that need for connection and remind you of your worth.

Remember, it’s okay to take things one day at a time. Healing isn’t always a straight path, and it’s normal to feel tied to the past for a while. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate these feelings. You deserve kindness, both from others and from yourself.

Take care, and know that you’re not alone in this.

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Hello @tophu ! Thank you for taking the courage to share your problems on this platform with us.

I see that you’re having trouble letting go of the feelings of your past relationship (official or unofficial). I’d say that it is okay to feel this way because we are humans where we have feelings and, for someone we hung out for so long, feelings do grow, and it’s ofc difficult to let go. Based on what you’ve said, it seems like both of you have different POV and lack of communication. However, do understand that it happens in many relationship and you’re not alone :slight_smile: .

As this happened recently, the feelings, resentment and etc. will still be there. Do give it some time to heal by prioritizing yourself first. When we are in a relationship, we tend to look after the other party’s feelings first before ours. Right now, I know it is difficult, prioritise yourself first by doing something you like, journal or self care :smiley: . Additionally, I would like to add on is that sometimes some break ups wont have any closure or rather said, mutual agreements. We can only focus on ourselves and heal on our own. It takes time. It could be days, months or years but the day will eventually come by. Don’t give up!

Side note, you may consider to read “Break up on purpose: A catalyst for growth by John Kim”.

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Hey, just wanted to say I really relate to what you’re going through — and I’m really sorry you’re feeling all this. It’s so hard when something feels real but stays undefined and full of mixed signals.

I had a somewhat similar experience with someone I knew for a few years. At first, I didn’t like him that way — I just thought he was an interesting person who always reached out to me, especially since I was quieter. Over time, though, he grew on me. We started hanging out one-on-one, but he was inconsistent — sometimes putting in a lot of effort, sometimes acting like he didn’t care. That emotional whiplash was exhausting.

Eventually, I decided to protect my peace. I realized that even if he did like me in some weird, undefined way, it still wasn’t how I wanted to be treated. The emotional uncertainty, the inconsistency — it just wasn’t enough for me. I had to be honest with myself about what I truly wanted and needed.

And even if he only saw me as a friend — that wasn’t working for me either. Friends don’t blur lines, give mixed signals, or do things that clearly go beyond typical friendship, only to backtrack or leave you feeling confused and hurt. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible, either as friends or anything more — and that’s okay, even if it’s painful.

Eventually, after trying to stay in touch, we had a final argument where I expressed how I felt and then blocked him. Not out of anger, but because I needed a clean break — some closure, and space to finally let go.

Looking back now, I’ve come to see that it’s really about knowing what you want and being willing to set boundaries that protect your peace and self-worth. It’s not always easy — especially when you still care — but it’s so important. And over time, those boundaries start to feel like self-respect, not loss.

You’re not alone, and you’re already doing something incredibly strong by reflecting and reaching out. Be gentle with yourself — healing isn’t instant, but it is happening.

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hi @tophu ,

Thank you for sharing your story, and I am sorry to learn what you have experienced. It sounds incredibly painful and confusing to navigate such a complex relationship. It is understandable that you are feeling hurt and struggling to move forward.

The anxiety and insecurity you feel from the mixed signals are natural, given that the boundaries and expectations between the both of you were unclear. Walking away from all of these to protect your peace was a brave and necessary step, even though it hurts. It is okay to feel hurt, confused (and even angry). These emotions are valid and part of the healing process. It is important to recognize that his inability to commit is not a reflection of your worth.

I would like to caution you: if you decide to meet him again, try to focus on expressing your feelings and seeking closure rather than rekindling the relationship (it is important to set boundaries to protect yourself).

Healing from this experience will take time, and it is okay to take small steps. Practice self-care (e.g., doing things that bring you joy), learn to forgive yourself, engage in new experiences, surrounding yourself with loved ones (like what @sunnyday has shared) are all steps towards healing.

I wish you the very best! :slight_smile:

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