hello, im currently a year 1 poly student who j started and already i feel like my social life is in shambles. Initially i had a friendgroup of 5 of us who just really clicked with each other. we would wait for each other before classes and would walk, eat , and sit together and i thought we were going to be best of friends. But recently i realised that the four of them paired up more often then the 5 of us hang out, and i feel very left out. while i want to confront them about this , im scared since i hate confrontation as i dont want to even potentially cause any drama or misunderstandings. so now i just feel like a loner in school and that everyone is judging me and i dont know what to do anymore. i hardly want to come to school anymore and when i do force myself i just do breathing exercises while trying not to cry
Hi @user2014,
Thank you for sharing what you’re going through—it takes courage to acknowledge these feelings, especially when starting a new chapter in poly. It’s completely normal to feel hurt and disoriented when friendships shift unexpectedly, and your emotions are valid. Let’s work through this step by step.
Feeling left out can be hurting, and it’s okay to grieve the connection you thought you had with this group. Many people experience similar struggles when friendships evolve, especially in new environments like poly. You’re not alone in this, and there’s nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way.
If you feel ready to explore, here are some of ways to help you cope well,
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Consider a Gentle Approach: Instead of framing it as a confrontation, you could share your feelings in a non-accusatory way. For example:
“I’ve really loved hanging out with everyone, but I’ve noticed we’re not all together as much lately. I miss that—would you guys want to plan something as a group again?”
This opens the door for communication without placing blame. -
Observe Patterns: Sometimes, people pair up unintentionally (e.g., shared schedules or interests). If they value your friendship, they may not even realize you’re feeling excluded. Give them a chance to adjust once you share your feelings.
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Prepare for All Outcomes: If the group doesn’t respond as hoped, remind yourself that this doesn’t define your worth. Poly is a fresh start, and there are many opportunities to meet others who align with your energy.
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Join Clubs or Activities: Poly often has niche interest groups (sports, arts, gaming, etc.). These can be low-pressure ways to meet people who share your passions.
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Small Talk Works Wonders: Start with classmates in your course—ask about projects, share notes, or invite someone to grab a snack after class. Many people feel just as nervous as you do!
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Focus on Quality, Not Quantity: Even one or two meaningful connections can make a huge difference.
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Grounding Techniques: If you feel overwhelmed, try the 5-4-3-2-1 method (name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, etc.). It can help anchor you in the moment.
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Self-Compassion: Remind yourself: “This is temporary. I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” It’s okay to take breaks in a quiet spot (e.g., the library) to recharge.
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Seek Support: If avoiding school becomes a pattern, consider reaching out to a poly counselor or a trusted lecturer. They’re there to help students navigate these challenges.
When we feel isolated, it’s easy to assume others are judging us. In reality, most people are focused on their own worries (e.g., exams, friendships, insecurities). Try repeating this mantra: “I am safe. I belong here. My presence matters.”
Transitioning to poly is a huge adjustment, and it’s okay if friendships don’t click perfectly right away. You’re not a “loner”—you’re someone navigating a new phase of life, and that takes time. Be patient with yourself, and remember that your worth isn’t tied to being part of a group.
If you ever need to talk through strategies or just vent, poly counseling services are a great resource (and confidential!). You’re already showing resilience by pushing through each day—that’s something to be proud of.
You’ve got this. 
hey @user2014 thanks for sharing this. It is definitely not easy to navigate friendship patterns like this early on in your poly journey, and it can feel hurtful and confusing to suddenly be left out of a friend group. Hang in there, and I’m wondering if it’s possible for you to join other activities in school or initiate conversations with other classmates? Since poly just started not too long ago, it might be worth expanding your social circle if you are open to it, and making new connections in school. This can be a good time to explore the kind of friends you want to be close to and build deeper friendships with. 
Take care!
yea ive tried joining other activities but most of them have just been a one time thing and i lost contact with the friends i made there. im slightly hopeful though since it was a cca activities, but the cca is low commitment so we havent started doing much yet unfortunately. moreover, for the event based ccas that i have joined, i cant go for most of their events as it takes place during my lessons.
Reading your posts reminded me a lot about my own uni days. I recall not having any real close friends for actually almost the entire first year of my uni year 1. I had friends but like you said, I’m often the one left out and not actively included in hangouts etc… In hindsight, I think I was really conscious back then and I focused a lot on how I think I should behave to make friends, and i forgot about actually focusing on being present in each moment and just enjoying the companion at each moment, not thinking too much about whether if they are truly my friends or not.
Before poly, do you have close friends? Maybe can reach out to them and keep them close too! I actually survived through uni without any really close friends but I kept my friends from sec sch close till now, cos they are who matters most to me!
Not sure if my sharing is helpful to you~ But I believe if you’re genuinely yourself and you’re present for yr friends, they will feel it too and youll build genuine relationships from there on. Even if yall may not always be the closest, these friendship will still be meaningful as is 
Hey, I’m really sorry you’re going through this—it sounds really painful and lonely. It’s completely normal to feel hurt and left out when your friend group starts changing like this. Wanting to avoid confrontation is totally understandable, especially if you’re worried about drama, but your feelings definitely matter and deserve to be heard.
I also get how painful it is to feel excluded, especially when it seems like the others are choosing to hang out without you. That kind of exclusion isn’t your fault, and it’s okay to feel hurt by it. Sometimes people get comfortable in smaller groups and don’t realize how it affects others, but that doesn’t make it any less real or painful for you.
If you notice they don’t seem interested in hanging out as much, try not to let it affect how you see yourself. You deserve friends who truly appreciate and include you—not to be left out or made to feel like an afterthought. If they keep excluding you despite knowing how it feels, that reflects more on them than on you.
Maybe try opening up gently to one or two of them—sometimes they might not realize how you’re feeling. Also, it can help to meet new people or join clubs where you can find others who share your interests. Building new friendships takes time, but it’s worth it.
In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. It’s okay to feel upset, and those breathing exercises sound like a great way to cope. If it ever feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or someone you trust. You’re not alone, and you really do matter.
Thank you for sharing this with us. This actually reminded me of my own poly days as well, so I wanted to say how much I empathise. You’re not alone, and it is a scary feeling, the feeling of being left out.
I found poly an especially dynamic place for friendships. Orientation quickly pulls people together and everyone’s super excited to eat together (free choice over what to eat at the different food courts? that’s crazy after secondary school!) Things move really quickly and it can be confusing.
Other than observing patterns, as what FuYuan recommended, I would also do some experiments if you will! If I feel like someone is drifting apart or is distancing, I’ll try to initiate a little more and see what happens! Then I get a chance to be a contribute to this relationship I care about, but also get a bit of information on where the relationship is at.
For me personally as well, sometimes when I get worried about people drawing away, I tend to draw away as well, or wait and see if people reach out. But actually, that might make it harder for others to reach out. I wonder if you relate to this or if you’re in a different situation?
At the end of the day, just sending the warmest hugs as you navigate these social situations. I am excited for you to embark on your poly life and while this is scary, I am also excited for you to grow from this and gain lots of good experiences in Poly