Gaslit by my father?!

Ask a Therapist Coping
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I hope I’m making sense now.

So, I had a recent incident with my dad. He asked if I had noticed a scratch on his car, and I said I had. That quickly escalated into him questioning why I did not informed him the moment I noticed it, especially since the scratch was on the driver’s side and he should have seen it when he used the car earlier that day.

I didn’t want to argue further, so I walked away. But he followed me and continued the conversation. I asked him how he wanted me to report on the car’s condition (because he was upset that I claimed I saw the scratch before him). Now, he’s upset that I asked how I like to “report” it, and he saw it as a passive-aggressive response.

I was crying at this point, and he mentioned that he had already predicted that I would cry when he talked to me about this.

Then, he started bringing up other things. He said that in recent days, whenever shared tips on managing emotions (because he gets angry easily and thinks the world owes him a favour), he’s glad that I’m taking such a step by reading up on such matters, seeking professional help for mental health matters… He reflects on himself and thinks he needs to change, but he doesn’t. He also wonders what he does wrong whenever I’m emotional or cry, but he always projects his own problems onto me whenever anything goes wrong.

And… while i am still barely recovering from all these high tension emotional things, the next moment, he took out a bottle of beverage and asked if he bought his previously? Errr… hello??! Aren’t we engaged in an intense conversation earlier and now you are speaking to me normally in a normal caring tone?

The last incident took me 2 months to process, idk how long this incident is going to take me to process. Especially I feel so gaslit by his responses over me trying to get him to manage his volatile emotions.

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Dear @Wildflower

Thank you for reaching out on what has been happening at home especially your father’s behaviour. What you shared about how you are feeling in the situation is understandable. That situation around the car scratch sounds overwhelming and confusing, especially how something small escalated fairly quickly. Although you tried to step away, your father kept persisting. I believe that at the time you were crying, you had already pushed past your limit.

I agree that his pattern of predicting your reaction, minimising it, bringing up other issues, then suddenly switching back to normal like nothing happened is hurtful and confusing. The rapid shifts can certainly feel disorienting, and it makes sense you feel gaslit and drained.

It also sounds like you’ve been trying to help him reflect and manage his emotions, but it keeps getting turned back onto you leaving you exhausted.

May I encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you process these incidents at your own pace. You are only human to need time to process, recover from these intense moments and navigate through them safely. :yellow_heart: