Hello. I’m not really sure how to describe my feelings but I recently just lost my grandfather. My 2nd sister and I are very close with him. To me, he was the only one who would defend me and take my side. He would understand what I really felt. He would also be the one who truly understands and give me encouragement. Growing up, I learn how to keep my feelings to myself. Even when i am angry or frustrated with my parents, I would keep it in because I wouldnt want to hurt their feelings. I know myself well enough that if i speak up, it will hurt their feelings. And it didnt help when my parents always sided with my eldest sister even though she was the one who should take accountability for what she did. So this year, on my birthday month, in April, a week after my birthday, my grandpa, passed away. It was a sudden thing and because my sister and I have been taking care of him for almost 16 years.. everyday i wake up thinking he is there.. always there.. and i felt a sudden loss where my number 1 supporter isnt there anymore. I try to move forward, worked more.. but my appetite and sleep is disrupted. Some days i am okay.. other days, i find myself crying.. some days i am happy.. some days i’m mentally exhausted.. eversince then, i stopped replying to alot of people..i only use whatsapp for work.. sometimes.. i just want to read all day. I dont feel like eating but i force myself to eat to function.. im working and schooling part time, i find myself feeling like i’m doing things halfway. Anything that interest me before, just felt like nothing to me. I talk to my 2nd sister often but because I am mostly the sister whom listens and the one they go to for advice, sometimes i just dont want to interact. I’m just forcing myself to function normally in hopes it becomes a habit for me to move forward. I dont know if what I am doing is right or whether this is normal? I feel like I need to be fully alone. Like be in a room alone. But when i’m alone, i think of my grandpa. The stress, interaction and the sadness is too overwhelming.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing someone who truly understood you and saw you for who you are is heartbreaking in a way that’s hard to describe… And to have it happen so close to your birthday, after 16 years of being by his side, makes it even more painful. I want to let you know that what you’ve shared takes a lot of courage, and I want you to know that everything you’re feeling makes complete sense, given what you’ve been through.
What stood out to me from what you’ve shared is how much you’ve always carried quietly, holding back your own frustrations so others aren’t hurt, being the one your sisters lean on, keeping the peace. That speaks to how caring you are, but it also means your own needs have often come last. Right now, they deserve just as much attention.
With disrupted sleep and appetite on top of work and part-time school, you’re running on very little. The fact that you’re still showing up at all says a lot about you. So please don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling only halfway present. That’s not a personal failing, that’s you grieving.
It’s also worth noticing that reaching for a book feels like one of the few things giving you quiet right now. Reading can be a gentle way of giving your mind somewhere else to go when everything feels too heavy. It’s not avoidance, it’s rest. So, if a book is what brings you a little peace right now, lean into that.
Also, you mentioned that you have your sister, and that matters. But I also hear that you’re usually the one holding space for others, which makes it hard to truly be held yourself. Have you ever considered speaking to a counsellor? Someone whose entire role is to listen to you, with no shared history and no family dynamics. You deserve a space that’s fully yours, especially now. If you’d like to take that step, you can reach out to National Mindline 1771, either by calling 1771 or WhatsApp-ing 6669 1771, alright?