I was a shy kid playing alone that is what my parents say, till grade 5 my dad was in Jail, he was declared innocent and started his job again as school teacher. I was in grade 6 then, in between this time, he used to visit us on bail, he also had drinking problem, in grade 3 I remember on train station my dad said we need to back to wedding party my mom and her mom was with us I don’t remember why they were creating the scene it was 1 AM, i remember my mom saying i will kill myself by jumping on tracks, my grandmother said i will kill myself by ramming her head on water dispensers. I don’t remember what they were talking about after hearing these things but I remember we were going home and on the way what happened my dad hit my mom with suitcase on her head, I asked my grand mother if i could run and call someone from my aunt’s home, so i ran about a kilometer called someone I was numb nd after seeing my dad’s sister, i cried i guess because i used to live with her a-lot as we were in same city and my dad was in jail, I remember my cousins asking me, do you know your dad is in jail, i said no he teaches there then i confronted my aunt(dad’s sis) about this she said no he just teaches there in jail to kids of prisoners. He was declared innocent we moved to different city . In grade 6 i went to national board school so had to give a entry test I remember i was so anxious about going to a big school. In my English exam over there I got lost or in thoughts or got focused don’t know but i was out of time for whole section D literature. In childhood i also remember not making eye contact(I still can’t do that now), I also had problems with my feet, like my ankle rolls inwards which messes with my gait cycle so in grade 7 I asked my friend if he can help me get a girlfriend. He said first learn how you walk you walk like a girl.
My dad had drinking problem till grade 7th grade i guess. He was happy sometimes with me sometimes he would get angry on not studying. He was a teacher so he used to teach me as well sometimes, like narration and voice, I remember him saying “read whole line and copy, but i used to copy word to word i said i forget, don’t know why adhd or anxiety.
But I definitely grew up in anxious attachment style, i can tell from my one and only relationship i had in my life but in that too i got cheated on my best friend and my gf. That was shock as well. It happened in 2nd year of college. But in grade 7th i started watching adult content, i was so interested in games from childhood so i got hooked to games. I went to different place for my bachelors in CSE. In my second year of college I stopped going to college coz i found a loophole. That if I don’t go this semester i can give exams next semester and 8th semester is training i will still pass on time, i decided to be a fulltime streamer started a YouTube channel going live didn’t go to college play for long long hours like don’t leave the house for a week only go out to get food. I used to drink alcohol but never got hooked to it. I asked for a PC of about 200,000 INR for my course and my dad purchased it but actually it was for gaming. They don’t know, so one week i was home from college playing game on my phone. PUBG my dad said don’t play this game in front of me. I am not sure how this situation happened but my mom came to my room crying said your dad is banging his head on the wall. I immediately started crying stopped him and didn’t played games after that at all, decided to move to abroad because the life i wanted to build here didn’t go pretty well. Moved to Canada. 3rd day i found Weed here been addicted to that thing since 3 years on and off to the point first i thought i had adhd because weed messes with your short term memory, then i found a video on internet about a year later talking about how trauma can be a good chameleon of all these mental health illnesses. But everyone around me just says you don’t work because you know your dad will send you money. Basically they are saying now i am finding reasons to smoke. Saying i have this that playing victim, i am not sure if i am fooling myself or i have something. But i live reactively. My credit is messed up. I will work for few days pay a bill then smoke for 4 days straight alot of self sabotage. Too much social anxiety, i already had people pleasing tendencies from college days, I remember like purchasing everyone cold drinks or cigarettes etc etc like buying people respect company wtv with money or maybe that how my dad used to do don’t know too much confusion.
So i am living my life thinking i may have trauma may have bpd maybe adhd cause of people pleasing. I have addictions of adult media weed cigarettes but i managed to abstain from cigarettes for few weeks i will try to quit weed again. Its hard but i did for 6 weeks in September started again because even after quitting i was not able to function. Like go to work, work hard, because in 3 years of addiction i have accumulated debt of around 10k CAD. I do uber driver so if i see a girl whom i can see as a potential partner i would get anxious make weird faces don’t know what to say keep thinking if i say something i will keep thinking about it after the conversation like as soon as the person leaves my anxiety calms down and i can think of all the things which i could have said to her but I can’t think or make a courage to say. With guys i am fine, but still over explaining my actions driving very carefully overly worried about if i am driving okay should i go on speed limit maybe he is late should i speed up if i speed up hump will make car jump and he will feel bad this that like alot of mental pressure with people sometimes. But i never saved a dollar i can only work on deadlines. I never make daily target lets say i need to earn 200$ a day I won’t be able to do that but if on 17th i need to pay a bill of 800 i will work so hard in last 2-3 days i will make 350 350 two days i boom bill paid. This only happens to bills which are very very urgent so i miss bills my credit cards are full i owe my friends a-lot of money. Parents too but still if i earn 100$ only i will spend $20 on weed $30 on food while high so this ordering alot of food can be due to me being high but also makes me think as binge eating self sabotage due to bpd. I can make alot of money i have the means for that i just need to work hard, but i am not doing it is it weed or something else but seriously I drive my car without insurance now how big of a addict i am to do that or is it a mental ilness its so confusing i don’t even enjoy the high i get from weed. i just think i should go back or tell my parents but parents are like you don’t have anything you are just pampered.
Hi @User1441,
Thank you for sharing everything that’s been on your mind. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot, and I want to acknowledge how much effort it must have taken to put all of this into words. It’s clear that you’re reflecting deeply on your life and seeking ways to move forward, which shows so much strength.
It sounds like you’re feeling stuck in a cycle of stress, self-doubt, and self-sabotage, and I can see how overwhelming that must feel. From what you’ve shared, it seems like you’ve been navigating a mix of social anxiety, financial pressures, and addictive habits, all of which can feel like they’re feeding into one another.
- Do you remember when these patterns started to feel unmanageable? Sometimes recognising those turning points can help you understand where to begin.
- When you think about your habits, does it feel like they’re helping you cope, or do they make things harder in the long run?
WHilst I also hear that you’re questioning whether your habits are masking something deeper, like unresolved trauma or a mental health condition. Your description suggests that it came to a point you were driving without insurance, which feels like a reflection of how overwhelmed things have become. While it may feel like a temporary solution to cope with or manage financial pressures, it’s important to recognise that you do not break the law (in Singapore, you need insurance and you are not allowed to smoke weed)—even unintentionally—can create more challenges down the road. Ensuring that your actions align with the law, even in times of stress, can help protect you from further complications or risks to your safety and well-being.
The same with substance use; it’s really encouraging that you’re reflecting on the role of substances in your life. I’d encourage you to explore immediate help through a resource like the National Addictions Management Service (NAMS) in Singapore. They specialise in helping people manage substance use in a nonjudgmental and supportive way. It’s not just about quitting—it’s about reducing harm to yourself and working toward a healthier balance that feels right for you.
- How do you feel about the idea of exploring professional help to manage these habits?
- What do you think might feel different if the substances weren’t holding you back or adding extra challenges to your life?
You’ve shown incredible strength by opening up and reflecting on your experiences, and that’s an important first step. Seeking intervention through professional resources isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s an investment in your future and well-being. These are important steps you could take to feel more in control, and we are here to hold space and support you as you navigate this.
You’re not alone in this, and there’s always hope for progress so long as you start to address it.