I have been having anxiety attack eversince my marriage had issues 3 years back and gone through divorce. Now that i have a partner i feel it is affecting us in a way that i constantly feel negative, panicking, constantly worried, sometimes it is affecting my sleep, feeling unsure if watever my partner potray his love is real as i believe everyone is the same. how can i deal with this anxiety issues and how can i help to save my relationship?
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it’s important that you learn to love yourself and to be more forgiving towards yourself.
a divorce does not equate to failure in life, just as staying together doesnt necessarily mean a successful marriage. we need to recognise that people do grow, and their priorities or beliefs may change over time.
start a new relationship only when you are emotionally and mentally ready.
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Hi there @chubbyla,
Thanks for coming on and sharing about your struggles with anxiety and worries about being in relationships. I hear how your past experience is shaping how you currently respond to perceived assurances from your partner. I want you to know that what you’re thinking and feeling about the situation is valid given your circumstances. 
First off, anxiety serves a purpose - as a response to looming threat so that your body is prepared for fight or flight. That can be useful as it makes you vigilant to cues that something’s not right. However, it stops being useful when you misperceive thoughts or symptoms (panic, worry, anxiety attacks) as relentless threats that need to be stopped. Instead of a healthy amount of anxiety guiding us (for example, studying harder for a difficult paper, working on being a better partner, etc.) it now becomes a distraction and rush to do things to make the discomfort go away (by avoiding things, seeking reassurances from others, worrying even more).
So this is where you can try to differentiate vigilance from overstating possibilities from worrying 
As much as it feels like the worse is going to happen, try to check-in with yourself: what are realistic chances of it happening/being true as well as the alternative. This helps you to pause and check if you’re thoughts are accurate and/or helpful. This will be difficult to change so you can start by being kind to yourself, know that feelings are not facts, and anchor to your values or things that are important to you -
- What do you look for: List the things you want in your main relationships. Then, ask yourself how you contribute to the things you want. For example, if you want honesty in your relationships, honesty is likely one of your values.
- What are your deal-breakers: List the things you can’t/won’t tolerate in your relationships. Then, ask yourself how you can behave to avoid those deal-breakers. For example, if you don’t want dishonesty that’s another way to recognize that honesty is one of your values.
- How must you change to attract these kinds of people: Although we can’t choose all of our relationships, like parents and relatives, we can play a role in attracting our friends and romantic partners. Imagine the kind of people you want to be around, then identify the values you’d like to exemplify in that company. For example, if you want supportive friends, then being a supportive friend may be one of your values.
And if you do have the attacks (try to ground yourself: identify and describe 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste to help shift your focus away from distress and bring you back to the present) know that its not a setback but an opportunity to explore for deeper thoughts and a chance to work on yourself by building resilience and feeling comfortable with discomfort that is inevitable in relationships. And if you require further support, do seek out professionals from Family Service Centres. Let us know what you think. Until then, take care!
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Hey @chubbyla
Thanks for sharing your personal relationship experience with us here. It must have been a very difficult decision to make, to go through a divorce. I think it takes a lot of strength to leave and to put yourself out there again for love. I hope you know how strong of a person you are and how far you’ve come. 
While I’m sure that you’ve taken the time to heal, it is normal to have some of these negative feelings and anxiety surface again when you’re in a new relationship. These are the learnings that you have from your previous relationship and you are now better equipped to protect yourself from the hurt that you experienced before. So I hope that you’re not being too hard on yourself. I think it’s great that you’re aware of your feelings and you are trying to better regulate it.
What I think might be helpful is to be open to your new partner of the struggles that you’ve been having. You don’t have to solve all these issues on your own. Sometimes what can help quieten the negative thoughts are the support and affirmations from your partner, to help you recreate that safe space again. 
Personally, I also rely on journaling to pen down my anxious thoughts. That way I also allow space for myself to re-organise and rationalise my thoughts. Alternatively, should you need anyone to talk to when you’re feeling anxious, feel free to reach out. We would love to lend a listening ear! 
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