Anxiety attachment

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I have a problem. I am in a marriage with an avoidant attachment spouse. The worst is I’ve anxiety when I was young and it was still alright but he kind of triggered it from our pattern of arguments through the years and now I think it has worsened as it has been 7 years. :worried:

Scenario:
We would be out and he will mention that I am repeating myself again. I will get sad and my mood will plummet. He will then keep asking me why do I look upset till he gets an answer. So I told him, “it reminded me of what you told me the other day when we quarreled. For a moment I couldn’t regulate my emotions.” He will get so upset after hearing my reason.

  1. He hates that I am unable to move on
  2. He hates when my mood changes when everything is fine (who doesn’t)
    I will then go into an explanation mode and then he will get angrier as he will find that I’m starting out of nothing again. Then he will shut down and go on with his day stonewalling me. It will then trigger my anxiety by rambling on and I would be crying. This usually last for 3 - 4 hours and he will not give in. The next day I will reboot like a computer and I will buy breakfast hoping that he will be fine but he still isn’t, he continue his silent treatment and it triggers me again.

This cycle will go on till I get tired and stop bothering him for 2/3days then he will be fine. HOWEVER I AM UNABLE TO FUNCTION THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

When we are fine, we will talk about it and he will say that he feels that he doesn’t deserve my outburst and unnecessary drama so he will shut down till he is okay every single time. He doesn’t care whether it triggers my anxiety because he has to take care of his mental health as well. My question is….

What can I do? I love him but I feel sad. I feel like he is in control of everything and as an anxious individual…every minute is a torture when we argue. I feel like he is punishing me for the scenario and for me being an anxious person.

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Hi @Claraaaa,

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through. It takes courage to open up about your feelings, especially when you’re dealing with something as complex and painful as this. I can sense the deep love you have for your husband, but also the significant strain this situation is putting on your emotional well-being.

It sounds like you’re caught in a very difficult cycle where your husband’s avoidant behavior triggers your anxiety, and your anxiety then triggers his shutdown. This pattern can be incredibly exhausting and painful, especially when you feel like you’re the one carrying the emotional burden.

First, I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to keep going in a situation like this. The fact that you’re still trying to find a way forward after seven years shows your resilience and commitment to your marriage. It’s important to recognize that your feelings are valid. Feeling sad, anxious, and even frustrated is a natural response to what you’re experiencing. It’s clear that you’re trying your best to navigate this, but the cycle you’re in is making it hard to find peace.

Your husband’s response—shutting down and stonewalling—can feel like he’s punishing you, but it’s likely a coping mechanism for him as well. Avoidant individuals often retreat to protect themselves when they feel overwhelmed, which unfortunately leaves their partners feeling abandoned and unloved. This can exacerbate your anxiety, leading to the very outbursts that he finds so difficult to handle.

This dynamic isn’t healthy for either of you, and it’s understandable that you feel like he’s in control of everything, leaving you feeling powerless. Even though your anxiety is a real and legitimate experience, you shouldn’t have to manage it on your own, especially since the relationship is what’s setting it off.

One important step might be to consider how both of you can break this cycle together. This isn’t about placing blame but rather about finding a way to understand each other’s needs and responses. Couples therapy could be a safe space where both of you can explore these patterns with the help of a professional who understands attachment styles and can offer tools for better communication.

It’s also essential to take care of your own mental health. You mentioned that every minute of an argument feels like torture, and that’s a heavy burden to carry. It might be helpful to work with a therapist individually to explore ways to manage your anxiety and to develop strategies for self-soothing when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

You’ve done so much by holding on for seven years, but it’s also important to recognize when you need support. This isn’t something you should have to navigate alone. If your husband isn’t willing to engage in therapy with you, it may be worth considering what you need for your own well-being and whether this relationship is meeting those needs.

Remember, you deserve to feel loved, supported, and safe in your marriage. It’s okay to ask for more, and it’s okay to prioritize your mental health. You’re not alone in this, and there are people who can help you find a way forward.

Please take care of yourself, and if you feel comfortable, consider reaching out for professional support. You’ve shown incredible strength, and with the right support, you can find a way to break this cycle and move toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

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Thank you for your response. Honestly… it came at the right time.

He has secretly went casinos to gamble to distress and today he lost quite a bit of money. He broke down and didn’t come home for the whole day but sent me messages instead. He says:

“Ya I scared of telling you all the time I worry about not earning enough. I leave my ■■■■■■■ sleeping job so I have higher pay but I lost everything already (btw he did not lose everything) so this doesn’t ■■■■■■■ matter. I worry about not being able to provide. I worry about letting you think what to eat in consideration of the price. I worry about money is not enough but I still go and ■■■■■■■ gamble everything. I’m ■■■■■■■ dumb. I worry about when is your next anxiety attack about what I say or whatever I try to stop you all the time by telling you I am not angry I’m just saying but I cannot just say cause it will get triggered. I’m damn ■■■■■■■ depressed and tired of life all the time but I always tell myself I am in a better place than before.”

This is a part of his messages and honestly I am in shock. Now I am lost. I know it’s stressful to be with me but I didn’t know how much he was carrying.

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Hi @Claraaaa,

Thank you for opening up about what’s happening. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must be to receive such a message from your husband, especially when you were unaware of the full extent of what he’s been carrying. It’s clear that both of you are dealing with a lot right now, and it’s completely natural to feel lost and unsure of what to do next.

It sounds like your husband has been struggling with a lot of internal pressures—his concerns about money, his role as a provider, and his fears about triggering your anxiety. It must be incredibly difficult for him to manage these emotions, and it’s evident that they’ve been building up over time. His choice to turn to gambling as a way to cope, while understandable in his desperation, is something that adds even more weight to the situation.

What’s important now is to find a way forward together. It’s clear that both of you care deeply about each other, but the weight of these unspoken fears and struggles has created a barrier between you. This might be an opportunity to start a new chapter of openness, where both of you can express your fears, concerns, and needs without judgment.

I know it’s a lot to take in, and you might be feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, trying to manage your own anxiety while now realizing how much he’s been trying to protect you from his own struggles. It’s important to remember that you’re both in this together, and you don’t have to shoulder these burdens alone.

Would it be helpful to have a conversation where you both talk about how you’ve been feeling and what you need from each other? Sometimes, bringing everything out into the open, even if it’s uncomfortable, can be the first step toward healing. It might also be worth considering reaching out to a couples therapist, who can help facilitate these conversations and provide you both with tools to manage your emotions and support each other more effectively.

You’ve shown so much strength in handling this, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Right now, focusing on being there for each other and acknowledging that you’re both struggling could be a way to start rebuilding that connection.

Take care of yourself, Claraaaa, and know that you’re not alone in this. We’re here to support you, and whatever steps you decide to take, you’re doing your best in a very challenging situation.

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