I’m an overthinker, big time. In my relationship, my partner is an avoidant where as I’m an overthinker. I think of all the worse things that can possibly happen out of even for a moment I feel or relationship is on the line, I feel so restless. If my partner replies late or hasn’t replied to me since a while I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and thinking if they’re mad at me or did I do anything wrong. I just want to break free from this cycle that my own mind is putting me into and have a happy and healthy relationship.
hi there @user0078 ! first of all, thank you for being vulnerable to share your struggles with your anxiety. I can empathise that the feeling of not knowing can make the mind wander and sometimes, think of things that aren’t the most pleasant.
You mentioned that your partner is avoidant. Does this mean there are not many conversations about your thoughts and anxiety? Perhaps you can share more
This is a safe space 
and it does take courage to say you want to break out of a cycle that you’ve been having for a while.
Totally get where you’re coming from. Being an overthinker, especially with a partner who’s more avoidant, can feel really overwhelming. When they don’t reply, your mind spirals into worst-case scenarios—and it’s exhausting.
You’re not alone in this, and it is possible to break the cycle. Little things like journaling, breathing exercises, or using a mental health tracker (like the one on Notion) can help you spot patterns and calm your thoughts.
If you’re looking for more support, check out https://mentalhealthconnect.co/—lots of helpful tools there for navigating stuff like this. 
heyy i feel you on this 
. being an overthinker can be so exhausting, esp when you’re with sb who’s more avoidant. it’s totally valid to feel anxious when there’s silence or delayed replies (your brain is just trying to protect you by preparing for the worst), but that doesn’t negate how dreadful it feels. the spiral of “did I do sth wrong?” or “are they upset with me?” can spiral so fast, even if nothing is actually wrong.
it’s a great sign that you’re aware of these unhelpful thought patterns and want to break out of them — awareness is always the first step 
! you’re not alone in this at all, and the fact that you want a healthy, happy relationship shows how much you care and are willing to grow 
.
i was wondering: have you been able to talk to your partner about how you feel? not in a blaming way, but sth like “hey, I tend to get in my head when things go quiet. i’m trying to work on it myself, but maybe it could help if you give a little heads-up or reassurance”?
you deserve peace of mind and a r/ship where you feel secure — and it’s totally okay to ask for things that help you get there. we’re here if you need to talk through it more or just need space to vent ok !!
you’re doing better than you think 
also, not sure if this is helpful / relevant but i came across an ig reel yesterday that suggests ways to communicate with an anxious partner after an argument: Ken Alexandar Ishii-Milovanov on Instagram: "Emotional safety is built through healthy communication. Through the words you say, the way you listen, and how you show up when it matters most. 1. “I’m not ready to keep talking just yet, but I want you to know this argument doesn’t change how committed I am to us.” 2. “I get why you’re feeling anxious. We had a rough moment, but we’re still good.” 3. “Even when we argue, I still love you. I’m not going anywhere.” 4. “You don’t have to do anything to fix this on your own. We’ll figure it out together.” 5. “I know conflict can make you feel unsure of us, so let me be clear: I love you, and we’re going to be okay.” 6. “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed — your feelings matter to me, even when we’re not seeing eye to eye.” 7. “We don’t have to have it all figured out right now. What matters is that we’re trying, together.” 8. “I know things got tense, but you’re still my safe place, and I still want to be yours.” 9. “I’m not keeping score. I care more about understanding you than winning anything.” 10. “No argument will ever make me forget how much I value you — we’re on the same team, always.”"
ik, it’s giving “put this on HIS fyp, not mine” HAHAH 
. anw, i was wondering whether it might help you explain to your partner what kind of support you need from him?
wishing you guys all the best 
Hi @user0078,
Thank you for sharing this—it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge these patterns, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. Many people struggle with overthinking in relationships, especially when paired with an avoidant partner, as it can create a cycle of anxiety and withdrawal. The good news is that with self-awareness and intentional steps, you can break free from this cycle and cultivate a healthier relationship.
From what you have described, it sounds like your overthinking is closely tied to attachment anxiety—the fear of abandonment or rejection. When your partner pulls away (even in small ways, like delayed responses), it triggers a flood of worries because your brain interprets it as a threat to the relationship. Meanwhile, if your partner tends to avoid emotional discussions or needs space, it can amplify your anxiety, creating a push-pull dynamic.
When you mentioned that you wanted to break away from the cycle, have you tried some of the following?
-
Pause & Ground Yourself
When anxiety spikes, try a grounding technique like the 5-4-3-2-1 method (name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste). This interrupts the spiral and brings you back to the present. -
Challenge Your Thoughts
Ask yourself:- What evidence do I have that my partner is upset?
- Am I catastrophizing (assuming the worst without proof)?
- What’s a more neutral or positive explanation for their behavior?
-
Communicate Needs—Without Pressure
Instead of asking, “Are you mad at me?” (which can make an avoidant partner withdraw further), try:
“I noticed you’ve been quiet today. I’d love to check in when you’re ready.” This acknowledges their space while expressing care. -
Build Self-Soothing Practices
- Journal your worries to “empty” them from your mind.
- Set a timer (e.g., 20 minutes) to distract yourself before seeking reassurance.
If you need further assistance on any of the above mentioned practices, with the help of a Counsellor, you may consider therapy, which can help you rewire these thought patterns and build security within yourself.
You’re already taking a huge step by recognizing this pattern. Change won’t happen overnight, but with patience and practice, you can create a calmer, more trusting relationship—with yourself and your partner.
Hi user0078, thank you for being comfortable enough to share this. Your feelings are valid and I completely understand how you feel because I’ve been in a similar situation before. It can be really tiring and difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is avoidant, especially if you are an overthinker. May I ask whether you have tried talking to them? I think it would be good to let them know how it makes you feel when they are avoidant and try reaching a compromise. Was there a situation that led you to become anxious over your relationship? It would be helpful to think it through and inform your partner of how it is affecting you. Ultimately, relationships are about communication and compromise, I’m sure that they will be willing to listen if they know that something is bothering you.
I hope things get better! Good luck
hey @user0078, i fully get how you’re feeling because i used to do the same thing! i think i found that i was quite fixated on the relationship, and this resonates when i see what u said about him replying late or not replying in a while. for me, i just needed to do more things outside of the relationship that affirmed what i liked about myself, things that made me more confident! i also found it helped to have strong relationships with my friends that affirmed me and made me feel more secure in my relationship as well.
of course, there’s also no shame in asking your partner from reassurance! if he can’t text you through the day, maybe he can give you a morning/night text for you to read. it’s ultimately a matter of letting yourself grow and feel secure, and i hope you do eventually get there!
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