Hi I’m a male 26. Due to being lied to in the past when I’m chasing a girl I’ve been traumatised because it happen to many time. But recently I’ve finally got a girlfriend but because of my constant overthinking we argued a lot of times and seeing this time it happen again it’s highly gonna cost me my relationship. I need help with this overthinking.
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Hey @user9829. First of all, it takes guts to be this honest. You’re not just venting, you’re taking ownership of how your past is showing up in your present. That’s a big step a lot of people never take. Respect for that.
I can hear how much this relationship means to you and also how much fear you’re carrying from the past. When you’ve been lied to and let down repeatedly, it’s no wonder your mind is always on alert, scanning for signs it might happen again. That overthinking isn’t random. It’s trying to protect you from being hurt like that again.
But I also hear the pain it’s causing not just in the relationship, but inside you. The second-guessing, the arguments, the fear that history is repeating itself… it’s exhausting.
Overthinking, especially after betrayal, is like a mental survival instinct. Your brain learned that trusting too easily gets you hurt so now it overcorrects, sees threats where there might not be any. The problem is, in trying to protect your heart, it’s also pushing people away.
But I want to say this clearly: overthinking doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And the fact that you’re aware of it and want to do something about, it shows strength. That’s where change begins.
That’s why you’re here.
What if, instead of trying to “stop” the overthinking immediately, you started noticing it? Questioning it with curiosity instead of fear?
Asking things like:
- “Is this fear talking?”
- “Has she actually done anything to break my trust?”
- “What evidence do I have right now?”
This stuff takes practice, but you’re already moving in the right direction. You want to grow, and that’s a powerful place to be.
Don’t give up on yourself just because the fear is loud.
You’re stronger than that voice, okay? 
what do you overthink or are worried about?
Hey @user9829 thank you for being open about this. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and it makes total sense that you’d feel on edge in a new relationship after being hurt so many times. Overthinking isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s your mind trying to protect you, even if it’s causing problems now.
That said, it’s really good that you can see what’s going on. That’s already a strong step. Maybe instead of trying to stop the overthinking completely, you could start by just noticing when it happens. Take a breath and ask yourself, “Is this thought based on something real, or is it fear from before?”
You don’t have to figure everything out at once, and you definitely don’t have to do it alone. Even just learning to say to your girlfriend, “Hey, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, not because of you, but because of my past,” can help take the pressure off both of you.
You clearly care about this relationship and want to do better. That’s something to build on, not beat yourself up for. Stay strong and hang in there!
hi @user9829,
its clear that your past trauma is creating the same defense mschanism that protects you getting hurt again. what you called “overthinking” sounds is really your brain reacting to the fact that you’ve been hurt so many times it now reacts before checking if the danger’s even real. it doesn’t make you broken, but it does make you tired… and probably makes the other person tired too.
when you said you argued a lot, its clear that not because you wanted to, but maybe because you felt unsure and never really had the chance to experience something positive that the mind fills in the gaps with what it remembers… all the past betrayals, all the lies. but this girl now… she’s not them. if you can, think about how to learn to slow down your thoughts before they speed up into fights. it might help to track what thoughts come up when you feel triggered, and ask yourself… “any evidence that shows that she is lying to you? does it help or make sense for punishing her for someone else’s mistake? Is it worth the reaction that will cost me my relationship goals?”
you don’t have to do this and sometimes just saying to her — “i’m scared, but i don’t want to take it out on you” — is already a powerful first step. you’re not too much. but your fear might be running the show right now. let’s help you hold back the knee-jerk reaction. when you’re ready, therapy could be one way to learn that… or even just writing down what’s happening in your head before reacting. you’re trying. that matters.
Hi @user9829,
It makes so much sense that you’d feel this way - when trust has been broken repeatedly, your mind naturally tries to protect you by anticipating hurt before it happens. That kind of emotional scar doesn’t just vanish when someone new comes along, even if they care about you. It’s incredibly brave that you’ve opened yourself up again, and it’s clear you want to make this relationship work. Overthinking isn’t a flaw - it’s a signal that your heart is trying to stay safe. What you’re going through isn’t just about logic, it’s about healing. You’re not alone in this, and with the right support and tools, you can learn to quiet those fears and build something steady and real.
If you’d like to work on these issues with a professional, you may approach a Community Intervention Team (SupportGoWhere) for support. For all other community mental health resources, you may use our Service Wayfinder (mindline.sg | Free Mental Health Resources & Mindfulness Tools in Singapore).
Hope this helps, and take care!
Best regards,
Han_Solo_2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline
Hi @user9829 thank you for sharing this. It’s such a huge brave step to realise the hurt and how it’s affecting your relationship. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurt many times in the past, and I hear how you’re trying to do right by your current girlfriend in spite of it all. That is bravery and I hope this space can shed some light.
Anxiety and hurt can be a persistent thing. They are made from past experiences, but continue even though the situation no longer calls for it. I’m wondering if you were to treat the anxious voice like someone you know, are you able to see where the anxiety comes from and also let the anxiety know how things are different now?
I just want to affirm that it is possible to improve overthinking tendencies, and you’re taking a brave step! If you do feel like further support is necessary, there are avenues for more professional, tailored support.
hi @user9829 ,
Thank you for sharing something personal you are facing. I can understand how past experiences can shape the way you deal with things in the present.
It is good that you are aware that you are overthinking things and it is causing tension in your romantic relationship. I encourage you to speak to your partner and help her understand that you may need assurances from her. If you open up to her, it shows that you care about the relationship and want to make things work for the both of you. Opening up will also allow her to better understand you as a person.
All the best to you 
hey @user9829, thank you for sharing. I think that recognising recurring patterns is a good first step towards improving your relationship with your partner. First and foremost, you might want to consider doing some self-reflecting. For starters, perhaps you can ask yourself some questions like:
- what were some triggers that caused me to overthink in the past?
- what are some methods to help recentre my thoughts when faced with a similar situation?
Apart from this, I would encourage you to discuss this with your girlfriend as I am sure she will listen and try to understand. Open and honest communication is always needed for a relationship to thrive. I also hope that you are able to work on yourself and slowly build up your trust in others. This may not be an easy process due to people breaking your trust in the past, but with some patience and effort to reframe your thoughts you can definitely do it!