am a student and recent arguments at home r preventing me from being able to focus at school and at home. I hate it when I’m at home because I have to hear my parents quarrel and I can’t handle arguments well I always end up crying / breaking down every time I hear them argue. But at the same time I hate it when I am outside because I don’t know whether things will become violent and I’m scared that something bad happens when I am outside. I have major exams coming up this year and their arguments are really making me lose focus and scared. Things haven’t gotten violent yet but it seems to be getting worst. This and my anxiety makes me constantly worry for the worst and it’s adding on to all the stress I’m receiving at school. I don’t know how to stop them and I feel powerless and torn between whose side to stand on. They’re always talking about divorce and I really don’t want that to happen. I’m really sad and I wish things would go back to normal. Is there even anything I can do? They’re arguing almost everyday and the atmosphere at home is always tense.
Hi @user787 
I’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through at home. It must be incredibly tough to deal with constant arguments and tension between your parents, especially when you’re trying to focus on your studies and exams. It breaks my heart to learn that sometimes you don’t feel as safe in your home as you should feel.
It is okay to cry and feel your feelings when you feel overwhelmed. Crying is a natural response for our body. There is no shame in feeling your feelings and then releasing them. I can only imagine the constant struggle you are undergoing between wanting to be away from the quarrels and at the same time also not being able to enjoy yourself while you are out of the house.
It makes sense that you feel powerless and torn between your parents, it’s an awful place to feel caught between the two people that you love very much. Things can feel even scarier when there is talk about our parents splitting up. Thank you for choosing bravery and reaching out for support. 
Please know that you’re not alone in feeling this way. There are many other students that also experience similar challenges, and it’s good to reach out for support. Well done on taking the first steps. We are here to listen and support you. You matter! 
Here are a few things, I’d like to invite you to consider:
Sometimes in our lives, things happen that are out of our control, for example, how hot the weather is. We can’t control that directly AND there are small things that we can do that are within our control. For example, when it’s very hot we can choose to go to a cooler place like in the mall, stay in the shade, and drink lots of water to help our body stay cool. Similarly, how your parents fight and if they stay together, that sadly may be beyond your control.
What is within your control is letting your parents know how you feel. If you feel safe you can speak to them and let them know how their fights are impacting you, share with them some boundaries like from 6 pm to 9 pm, no fights in the house as you need to study. If talking to them feels really scary, you may want to try leaving them a WhatsApp audio or text or even a hand written letter.
If you sense that you will not be safe to try the above ideas, please reach out to other trusted adults, like an aunt, uncle, or even grandparents. You can also approach your school counsellors or teacher to help you. Sometimes adults can listen better when another adult shares with them how their fights are impacting you.
I like to encourage you to reach out to a counsellor so that you can receive the support of:
- someone safe to explore your feelings and receive validation
- someone to brainstorm with you alternative strategies
- someone to help you regulate your feelings
- someone to remind you of your strengths and abilities
- someone to journey with you as you experience discomfort
It isn’t your responsibility to manage your parent’s feelings. We can only be responsible for helping ourselves to feel better and learning skills to communicate our needs and wants to others, especially to our parents. Here are some skills to practice to help our body feel calmer and safer when we are feeling our big uncomfortable feelings:
1.) Calming breaths:
Deep Breathing (Diaphragmatic Breathing): This involves breathing deeply into your diaphragm to promote relaxation and reduce stress. Here’s how to do it:
- Sit or lie down in a comfortable position.
- Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen.
- Inhale deeply through your nose, feeling your abdomen rise as you fill your lungs with air.
- Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth, feeling your abdomen fall.
- Repeat for several breaths, focusing on the rhythm of your breath and allowing your body to relax with each exhale.
4-7-8 Breathing (Relaxing Breath): This technique is known for its calming effects and can help reduce anxiety. Here’s how to practice it:
- Inhale quietly through your nose for a count of 4 seconds.
- Hold your breath for a count of 7 seconds.
- Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth for a count of 8 seconds.
- Repeat the cycle for a few rounds, maintaining a steady and relaxed pace.
Box Breathing (Square Breathing): This technique helps to regulate breathing and promote a sense of calmness. Follow these steps:
- Inhale deeply through your nose for a count of 4 seconds, imagining tracing one side of a square.
- Hold your breath for 4 seconds, imagining moving along the top of the square.
- Exhale slowly and completely through your mouth for 4 seconds, tracing the opposite side of the square.
- Hold your breath for 4 seconds, completing the square.
- Repeat the pattern for several cycles, focusing on smooth and controlled breathing.
2.) Progressive Muscle Relaxation is a relaxation technique that involves tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups in the body. Here are the steps:
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Start by finding a quiet and comfortable space where you can sit or lie down without distractions.
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Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Close your eyes if that helps you focus better.
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Begin with a few deep breaths to relax your body and mind. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a moment, and exhale slowly through your mouth.
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Tension and Release: Follow these steps for each muscle group:
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Hands: Clench your fists tightly for a few seconds, feeling the tension in your hands and forearms. Then, slowly release and let go of the tension, feeling the muscles relax completely.
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Arms: Tighten the muscles in your upper arms by flexing them and holding for a few seconds. Then, release the tension and let your arms feel heavy and relaxed.
*Shoulders: Raise your shoulders towards your ears and hold them tense for a few seconds. Then, gently lower your shoulders and let go of the tension.
*Face: Scrunch up your face by squeezing your eyes shut and clenching your jaw. Hold the tension for a moment, then relax your facial muscles completely.
*Chest: Take a deep breath in and hold it, feeling the tension in your chest and abdomen. Exhale slowly and release the tension, allowing your chest to feel light and relaxed.
*Back: Arch your back slightly and tighten the muscles in your lower back. Hold for a few seconds, then release and let your back sink into a comfortable position.
*Legs: Straighten your legs and tense the muscles in your thighs and calves by pointing your toes upward. Hold for a few seconds, then release and let your legs relax completely.
*Feet: Curl your toes tightly and flex your feet upward, feeling the tension in your feet and ankles. Then, release the tension and let your feet rest comfortably. -
After tensing and relaxing each muscle group, take a moment to notice the difference between tension and relaxation. Focus on the feeling of relaxation in each muscle group.
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If you feel like you still have tension in certain areas, you can repeat the progressive muscle relaxation steps for those specific muscle groups.
*Finish the session with a few more deep breaths, inhaling calmness and exhaling any remaining tension or stress.
3.)Guided imagery
- Choose a quiet and comfortable space where you can sit or lie down without distractions.
- If you feel comfortable, close your eyes to help you focus inward.
- Start by taking a few slow and deep breaths. Inhale through your nose, hold for a moment, and exhale through your mouth.
- Imagine a place where you feel completely relaxed and at peace. It could be a beach, a forest, a cozy room, or any other calming location (real or imaginary) you can think of.
- Picture the details of your chosen place in your mind. What do you see around you? Are there trees, water, animals, or other elements? Imagine the colors, shapes, and textures.
- Engage all your senses in the visualization. Imagine what you would hear, smell, touch, and even taste in that environment. Create a vivid sensory experience in your mind.
- Add positive affirmations to your visualization. Repeat phrases like “I am calm and peaceful,” “I feel safe and relaxed,” or any other affirmations that resonate with you.
- Stay focused on the present moment and immerse yourself fully in the visualization. Let go of any distractions or thoughts that come up, and just enjoy the serenity of your imagined place.
- Spend as much time as you need in your visualization. There’s no rush. Enjoy the tranquility and allow yourself to unwind.
- When you’re ready to end the visualization, slowly bring your awareness back to your physical surroundings. Take a few more deep breaths and gently open your eyes.
4.) Music - Sometimes just listening to calming music can help to reduce stress and anxiety too.
If ever things get violent at home and it’s no longer safe for you or a family member, you can call the police (999) for help. It’s important to take care of yourself and prioritise your well-being during this challenging time. If you need more support please reach out.
Wishing you the very best! You got this!
Kind Regards,
Cool Breeze =)
Here are some additional resources for you to consider:
Resources:
- Box Breathing - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7uQXDkxEtM
- Progressive muscle relaxation - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4gJuAyPxUk
- Guided imagery, - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4iHKY2p5bY
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thank you so much for the recommendations they mean a lot… 
however I really don’t have the courage to personally confront them about it, I’ve tried to talk to them both about it but it just ends up with them accusing me for taking the other persons side, or cause them to go on a long ramble ranting to me about their problems 
I don’t have any relatives to turn to this to as all of them are overseas. I don’t have many friends to talk to this about to. what else is there that I can do? thanks so much for your response 
You’re most welcome. I’m glad my response could help to make a difference for you.
It’s okay if you don’t dare to share your feelings with them now. It’s good that you are aware of what makes you feel safe and what does not. Here are some other suggestions for you to consider:
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Practice self-care and self-regulation, this can help you remain calm internally even though there maybe challenges outside. See my above post and try those resources.
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Perhaps put on headphones and listen to music, podcasts or audiobook to drown out the external noise. Move to a different space if the arguments are happening in front of you.
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Stay in school to study, find study pods and when worrying thoughts come up, try any of the self- regulations skills mentioned above and then remind yourself that your parents’ actions are out of your control. What’s within your control is to choose what to give your attention to. You can choose to give your attention to things that are out of your control or to things within your control like studying, developing your friendship, taking care of your physical health through regular exercise, balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, and practicing good hygiene.
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Whenever you feel ready to share your needs, try using the "I statements’ strategy:
For example:
- I feel scared when I hear raised voices during arguments.
- I haven’t got the strength to listen to this now, can we take a pause please.
- I need a calm environment at home to feel safe so that I can do well in my studies.
These statements can help you express your feelings without blaming or escalating the situation.
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Would it be possible to reach out to your overseas relatives, is there anyone that you think might be able to help?
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If yes, perhaps you can consider reaching out to them. If no, perhaps it might be time to reach out to your school counsellor or teachers. Sometimes adults can listen better when another adult shares with them how their fights are impacting you.
I like to encourage you to reach out to a counsellor so that you can receive the support of:
- someone safe to explore your feelings and receive validation
- someone to brainstorm with you alternative strategies
- someone to help you regulate your feelings
- someone to remind you of your strengths and abilities
- someone to journey with you as you experience discomfort
A counsellor will be able to customise a support plan to your needs and go at a pace that is comfortable for you.
I wish I could give you a quick fix but unfortunately sometimes things take some time before they become better and in the mean time all we can do, is do our best to manage things that are within our control. I hope the above strategies are helpful; please do try them out.
Wishing you the very best! 
Kind regards,
Cool Breeze =)
hi! I know this is actually really stressful, much more since you will be taking some exams. It’s alright to feel powerless in situations like this, trust me, I understand. You might not have the power to stop these quarrels since they are the adults. BUT, you have to care about yourself as well. It may be taxing as well judging by how much it is affecting you. You should try reaching out to the school counsellors in your schools, it will help you let loose all your pent up feelings and worries. Try doing things you enjoy and help out around the house a little more to make up some harmony. But the most I can really tell you to do Is to speak with the professionals in your school! Hope this helps! <33