how to find my own “voice” again

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So after a project which I threw all my self worth into, I got really burnt out and I haven’t fully recovered in the past year. Recently, I got tired of feeling horrible all the time, so I did some reflecting and realised that the root cause of it was that I tend to find my worth and decide what I should do in my life from anything else apart from myself: opinions of my friends, classmates, my family, the work I do, random comments online, literally anything else but me. Everything I did was because it was what I thought other people expected or wanted of me, or if someone was disappointed with me it meant I would have to change myself.

I also relied heavily on structure from school to get motivation and decide my goals so now that I need to move on to uni, I need to start seriously considering my future career. But it’s gotten really frustrating for me because after so long of relying on external things to fuel me, I just can’t find my inner voice to motivate myself anymore, especially while I’m burnt out. So as a result I’ve been spiraling alot into negative thoughts and getting anxious even over the tiniest things. I compare myself with my classmates and family who are doing better than me and I feel left behind but I don’t know what to do.

I just can’t even seem to figure out what I, as my own person, like or what I even want to do in life anymore.

TLDR: Need some advice on how to rediscover myself again and stop relying so much on external things to find my own self worth. Some advice on managing spiraling and overthinking would be appreciated too

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Dear @user9823

Thank you for reaching out. I think that what you’re currently feeling makes a lot of sense given what you have gone through.

I believe many of us can identify with what you have shared. When we put so much of our worth into one project and into meeting other people’s expectations, a lot of energy is used up which leaves us exhausted; thus burnout is common. It drains our energy and we feel disconnected from ourselves. Please know you are not alone to feel like there is nothing left in the tank.

I agree that losing the structure that school provided in the past can worsen the situation. Yes, a school set up provides clear direction and validation. Hence with it gone, it feels rudderless.

Understandably, burnout also often dulls motivation and confidence, which may be contributing to feeling like there’s nothing inside you anymore. Fortunately, that’s not a permanent state, and it’s not a personal failure.

May I gently suggest there is no need for you to pressure yourself to “figure out your life” or find your passion. Instead, focus on very small signals: what feels slightly better, what feels draining and when you feel a bit more like yourself. Your inner voice comes back through noticing and reflection. It will be gradual but you will find your way with time and patience.

May I suggest that when you notice your thoughts spiralling, try to name it rather than fight it: “I’m spiralling right now.” Write the thoughts down, give yourself a time limit to think about them, then ground your body with something simple like slow breathing or movement. This helps calm your nervous system and reduce the overwhelm.

It’s only human and very common to compare ourselves with others and be self critical. We all are doing it from time to time.

May I gently point out that it certainly doesn’t imply you are falling behind. Everyone has their own unique path so choose to be compassionate to yourself as you navigate next steps. Uni and careers don’t require certainty right now, just exploration.

You’re slowly charting your own course forward, recovering and learning how to independently define yourself for the first time. To our credit, I think you are showing awareness and clarity which are very useful as you go through this meaningful self discovery process. Stay on course one tiny step at a time as you inch forward at your own pace.:yellow_heart: