Hi, I wanted to ask how do I get over the past. Whenever I think about the past, I always feel a lot of shameful and regrets as I have made a lot of mistakes, big or small. The biggest I made was betraying a group of frens who had a lot of trust in me. As a person who love to imagine, I often imagine scenarios before I go to bed, however whenever the imagination got associated to a bad past, especially the most severe ones, I couldnt fall asleep, feel anxious and beat myself up, even to the point of really wanting to kill myself for the mistake (And ofcourse i wouldnt do it but as an expression to show my shame.) But other than sleeping, there were many times I feel anxious and guilt over my past mistakes for hurting people even the smallest and tinniest ones and I really regretted about my past actions which hinders me from moving on in life as I feel i am not worth and mean. The worst is, these thoughts will not pass and i will hang upon it, which makes me feel guilty, anxious and have cold feeling for a long time, sometimes even til the day ends I will keep thinking about it I know we need to forgive self but is really easier said then done. And i couldnt think about any happy moments in my past. I want to seek advice on how to get over it when the thought comes.
And really how to be in the present moment as well because these thoughts get stuck in my head and it often affect my interpersonal relationship at the present moment as i want to get these thought out first before being in the present but thoughts just stuck with me throughout like hanging there because unconsciously i am grabbing onto it.
Hey @anonymous327 i think i can somewhat understand how you feel. I too previously cut off contact with people I was once close to in poly due to an unhealthy relationship… and till this day thoughts and regrets about doing so still pops up in my mind especially since I’m still connected to some of them on social media.
I would say after going for counselling, it did teach me a few things:
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Thoughts are just that thoughts what happened in the past good or bad I probably had reasons for doing so.
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Don’t get rid of these thoughts instead let them pass. Imagine it like a floating ball in the ocean, the more you push down the more it will try to float back up. So just acknowledge it and let it pass.
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To let it pass you can try grounding techniques to bring yourself back to the present. What works for me would be to feel my pillow, bed sheets and take deep breaths counting down the seconds.
Hope this helps! Perhaps also try to think what might work for you the key is to breathe and snap yourself back by doing something and focusing on it.
Dear Anonymous327,
Really just want to first of all acknowledge the tremendous courage and humility you have demonstrated by acknowledging your past mistakes and facing the very painful emotions of regret, guilt and shame that come with them. It’s important to recognize that you are not defined by this one action, and that you have the capacity to grow and learn from it. 
Here are some steps that may help you move forward:
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Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize the shame, anxiety, and regrets, and give yourself permission to feel them. You could choose to journal them down or you could share them with a trusted friend or a counsellor of your choosing.
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Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend in a similar situation.
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Reflect on the lessons: Try to identify what you’ve learned from the experience and how you can apply those lessons to future relationships.
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Make amends (if possible): If it’s feasible, consider reaching out to the friends you betrayed and apologizing sincerely. Getting their forgiveness might enable you to move on and eventually, forgive yourself.
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Focus on present and future: Instead of dwelling on the past, try to engage in activities that bring you joy and help you build new connections. Being present in an intentional decision as our minds are wired with a negative bias. Often, we live in the past and feel depressed or in the future and feel anxious. So yes, let’s consciously choose to live in the present. You could try doing some mindfulness meditations, yoga/pilates or take nature walks and just focus on the information your senses (sight, sound, touch, smell and taste) bring you for a period of time.
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Seek professional help: Consider therapy or counselling to work through your feelings and develop strategies for moving forward.
Remember, healing is a process that takes time, patience, and self-care. You are capable of growth and redemption. Keep moving forward, even if it’s just a small step at a time.
Some possible resources you could consider:
Touch Community Services: 1800-377-2252
Care Corner Counselling Centre: 1800-353-5800
eCounselling Centre (Fei Yue): ec2.sg - Fei Yue
LimitlessSG: https://www.limitless.sg/
Samaritans of Singapore (SOS): 1-767 or message them via Caretext (https://www.sos.org.sg/)
Remember, you are not alone! 
northernlights
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