so my parents told me i was adopted when i was in primary school, it was hard for me to believe in love from then on. i was always asking the question of how can someone love me if my mom didnt and gave me away? those thoughts are scary when it comes to being in a relationship with someone. i recently broke up with someone who meant the whole world to me because i lost feelings. i remember someone telling me that i cant like/love something or someone long enough. that stuck with me, the guilt of not ever being able to love someone fully and will only hurt them in the end. and the thing is i have always being in love but lately its getting harder for me to do so, i get bored easily and its easy for me to get the guys i want but its harder for me to make them stay because of my tendency of having âno feelingsâ or âbeing too coldâ, what should i do? i feel like i am already the best version of myself and i already love myself but why cant i do the same to others?
Hey @user6802
What you wrote really hits deep.
It makes sense that hearing you were adopted at such a young age would shape how youâve understood love and felt in relationships since then. The painful questions youâve carried, like âhow can someone love me if my mum didnât?â, would leave anyone feeling hurt and uncertain about closeness.
And from what youâve shared, it doesnât sound like youâre incapable of love. It seems more like love has always come with these questions and fears, like not being enough and being left again. And when those fears show up, itâs completely understandable to pull back or shut down. It can look like losing feelings, or seeming distant, but underneath that is usually someone who actually cares a lot.
Iâm also curious, only if you feel comfortable, what âgetting bored easilyâ feels like for you. Does it feel like losing interest, or more like things stop feeling emotionally safe or connected? It reminded me of something I once heard: that sometimes warning signs can feel like butterflies, and safety can feel calmer, almost like less excitement. I donât know if that resonates for you, but it crossed my mind.
And honestly, youâre not alone in this. Some people close to me, who grew up with similar early experiences describe similar feelings. Itâs a really human response to a really painful experience. Counselling was something that ended up being supportive for a few of them â but of course everyoneâs path is different.
If you want to talk about this further here, Iâm here to listen. Take care. 
Dear @user6802
Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you are going through. I feel, hear and see the depth of your struggles. It has been a challenging journey.
Itâs completely understandable that finding out you are adopted has created a foundational fear about love and belonging, and that this pain is now surfacing in your romantic life.
I see that you are reflective, and asking a thoughtful question: "Why canât I love others fully when I love myself?
I sense that the belief that you were abandoned and therefore are not lovable by others developed when you found out you were adopted. This belief has remained since then. When relationships in the present get truly close, your past trauma sees a risk. The âboredom,â âcoldness,â or âlosing feelingsâ is actually a defence mechanism. I believe it is your heart hitting the emergency brake to protect you from the possibility of being hurt and abandoned again. You feel safer detaching on your terms than risking rejection on theirs.
Fortunately, you already love yourself and are the best version of yourself. This means your capacity for love is strong. I believe the issue isnât your worth; itâs the fear-based filter your worth has to pass through when it comes to others.
May I recommend you consider to:
-Challenge the âBoredom": When you start to feel cold or bored, pause. Ask yourself: âAm I truly bored, or is this anxiety about vulnerability or fear of attachment showing up as boredom?â This shift in perspective is key in reframing.
-Embrace Discomfort: Growth happens when you stay present in a relationship past the point where your defence mechanism usually kicks in. It will feel uncomfortable, but that discomfort is the feeling of your old fears starting to heal.
-Speak to a counsellor who has experience in attachment wounds. The counsellor could help you safely process and rework that initial abandonment wound so your adult relationships feel safe enough to maintain.
Please know that you are fully capable and deserving of love. However, it is currently buried and being guarded by a powerful fear that needs to be acknowledged and gently healed. Healing is certainly possible, so do not lose hope. Take small firm steps towards it.
I think getting bored of something is normal but once in a while you will come across something you will like for a very long time. For example, think about what dishes or hobbies that are ur go to after so many years. I dont think that liking something forever is possible too