I dont know what to make of this

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me, or where to even begin in this long chain of issues

I feel like I’m made by a extremely indecisive person, every part of myself contradicts the other

I hate being alone, I admit that I’m jealous of people who get posted by their friends on their birthdays, of people who have a lot of close knit friends, I keep finding new people to talk to, to blur the lines between friend and lovers the moment I get out of a relationship, to fill a void. But I enjoy being alone, I like my peace, I don’t like high maintenance friendships. I don’t understand why I’m like this, I’m painfully self aware of how I’m like, and I don’t know why. I think I grew up in an environment where I didn’t have to worry about money and got what I wanted, but I know I am how I am because I lack love, I always need attention and care and love, and not in the cutesy way, in the desperate way, like the quote “ i would lick love off the tip of a knife” kind of thing , where sometimes I wished there was genuinely something wrong with me so my parents and anyone else would pay attention to me, care for me, give me undivided love and affection, and I genuinely don’t care if the attention stems from something bad, such as being sick. I’ve given up my innocence, my sanity and whatsoever, for love since I was a kid, starting maybe at the age of 12. I recall trying to off myself at the age of 9 infront of my parents. I don’t harm myself physically now, I am not a danger to myself. I got groomed as a kid, I knew it was wrong, but i let myself do it because i was getting attention from them. I’ve given everything into relationships I know that won’t work out, or to people I know that are bad for me. I’ve begged for a cheater to get back with me, while being fully aware of what I am doing, and what kind of people they are. But I let it all happen, for temporary love and attention.

I hold my breath around smokers even though I do smoke once or twice a month, and not out of addiction. I don’t know why I smoke, but I started because I had an ex who smoked, and I had/might have a strong attachment to the ex because I’m so drawn to people who are prolly mentally sick but still functioning, or had a rough up bringing. I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m really living, but existing, because I don’t really want to die yet, but I catch myself saying things like oh imagine if I ran infront of the car. I don’t cut myself, but I wouldn’t mind being hurt or injured like at all, I would even hope that I do sometimes. I don’t think I’m happy or particularly anything in general. But the thing is I don’t want to do anything about it, even if I got an answer or a diagnosis that I’m depressed or something like that, I’ll just let it be, I’ll let it rot me from inside out. As long as it doesn’t get too bad, I don’t want to be well.

Theres more stuff but I’m lazy to write

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I grew up with a good family

My parents make good money or at least the kind where we go on multiple vacations a year, and don’t have to worry about the bills and stuff.

When I was a kid, My dad was mostly busy working, sometimes my mom too, and basically everything revolved around my dad. I won’t say they’re absent parents, but I knew I just never was able to form an emotionally deep bond with either parents. I have 2 other sisters. My mom is closer to my youngest sister, and my dad is closer to my older sister.

My mother has a low EQ or atleast that’s what I think, and my father enables it to keep the peace. Whenever my mother gets angry, my father tends to put the blame on us, even if it’s both parties at fault, or really just my mom’s fault. She is short tempered and often unreasonable. She says things in the harshest possible way, but she can’t handle it if anyone else does the same. The double standards goes on and on. My father does the same, but as he is more patient, he does it in a way that slowly drives you insane over the years, because you can never win, which is a common sight in Asian families ngl. Me and my mother doesn’t get along and my dad says it’s because of our 八字 , but all the more he enables her behavior. And over the years, it builds up into quiet resentment. Furthermore, both my parents have their issues which were caused by their own upbringing and family. My father often talks over people, or in a way competes for attention from whoever was talking. For example, if you had an issue at work, he would bring up an issue he had, and overshadow you. If you had a bad day, he had the worst day kind of situation. My mothers entire family has low EQ and a high ego. She doesn’t apologize for being wrong. She just expects you to forget it. Both my parents never learnt to understand me, they never neglected me, but I think a huge part of my emotional needs as a kid was never met growing up. On a side note, both my parents first language is Chinese, and they never really learnt to spell my English name (that they gave me, not a nickname I picked ). Due to all this, I’ve realized that subconsciously I would rather be anywhere but at home, I go out alot, anywhere whatever, as long as I could leave. Another thing is , my dad likes to say that my mother is trying her best with me, as she knows I’m short tempered , defensive and stubborn .Which honestly, sounds like bullshit half the time. I try, I really try, I give in a lot in arguments, but it’s never enough for my mother, even when I got more patient over the years.

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Hey @Engine,

When I read what you wrote, it sounds more like feeling lost than being broken. When someone feels lost inside themselves, there’s usually some fear underneath, even if it isn’t named directly. There’s a tiredness in the way you wrote. Almost like you’ve been carrying this for a long time. Sometimes that makes it harder to keep going.

You described yourself as if you were “made by an extremely indecisive person,” almost like your personality was poorly constructed. That tells me different parts of you feel like they’re pulling in opposite directions.

But what you’re describing doesn’t actually sound like contradiction.

You dislike being alone because being alone can feel like being unseen. The jealousy over birthday posts and close-knit friendships sounds more like wanting belonging and reassurance that you matter.

At the same time, you enjoy being alone because it’s peaceful. No need to manage someone else’s moods nor to meet expectations. Being alone may feel like relief from pressure. That’s not inconsistency. It’s the tension between wanting connection and wanting safety.

You grew up in a financially stable home. There was no material deprivation. But emotional connection is different from financial stability.

A father who was busy and central in the family.
A mother who reacted strongly and didn’t apologise.
A father who kept peace by shifting blame.
A pattern where it felt difficult to be heard.

That may not qualify as extreme abuse, but it can still leave someone feeling emotionally unseen.

When emotional needs aren’t met consistently in childhood, many children try harder to secure attention. It takes a lot to write something like that. A nine-year-old should not be feeling that desperate. A twelve-year-old should not have to trade safety for attention.

The same pattern shows up in relationships. Staying with people who are bad for you. Begging someone back despite knowing better. Temporary closeness can feel safer than emptiness.

When you say you don’t really want to die but imagine stepping into traffic, or that you wouldn’t mind being hurt, those thoughts still matter. Even if there’s no active intent, they often reflect emotional numbness or exhaustion. If those thoughts ever shift toward planning or feeling harder to control, that would be the point to reach out urgently. In Singapore, SOS is 1767 and Mindline is 1771.

You mentioned not wanting to get better, even with a diagnosis. Sometimes not wanting to be well can be protective. Getting better can mean facing grief, anger, or disappointment. It can also mean letting go of the intensity that has structured your relationships.

Your father attributing conflict to 八字 instead of behaviour could feel invalidating. It moves the issue to fate rather than patterns. And the detail about your English name being misspelled may seem small, but names carry identity. Repeated mistakes can quietly reinforce not feeling fully recognised.

None of this means your parents intended harm. It does suggest emotional attunement may have been limited. Intergenerational patterns can explain behaviour, but they don’t erase impact.

You were trying to survive with the tools you had. None of these patterns appeared out of nowhere

I see someone who adapted to emotional distance by seeking intensity elsewhere. Someone who learned to equate attention with care. Someone who feels lonely even in connection.

If you feel ready to reflect on this, you might consider one question:

If you were emotionally steady and no longer drawn to unstable relationships, what would that change about how you see your family and yourself?

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Does anything I wrote constitute a need to get diagnosed or do I show any signs ?

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Are you feeling unwell? If you do feel unwell, whereabouts on your body do you feel the discomfort?

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I mean more in the mental sense bah, I’m not sure if I show signs of any sort of mental illness

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Hey, checking in and making sure that you are well. From what you wrote, there isn’t anything that suggests immediate medical attention. When you feel ready, the undermentioned operates 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, offering immediate, non-judgmental support. You can consider speaking to a counsellor to share your views. How does that sound to you?

  • Hotline: Dial 1771.
  • WhatsApp: +65 6669 1771.
  • Webchat: Available on mindline.sg.
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