I feel like I never processed trauma or anything in my life that is probably most likely conventionally traumatizing, correctly in a way that it is normally seen, and I feel like it may be impacting and showing up in other ways. TW, I did grew up in a place where emotional needs were deprived, hence, I have searched for care and attention in ways and places,such as getting groomed and being ok with it as long as I got attention and care,which at some point got asked multiple times before to send nudes,at the age of 12-13. I escaped an arson attempt once at the age of 11, and I was left completely unharmed, but I saw a corpse of a woman who did not make it out alive from the burning building. Got coerced into performing sexual acts on a guy,stayed with an ex even though all he wanted me was for sex, all for the same reason in hopes of getting love and care. I also realized how impulsive and careless I am with things, I don’t know how to describe it. I will do things that I know are risky,harmful, or would harm me, such as drinking the sugar water solution in school’s chemistry lab and doing stunts or actions that highly likely can hurt me, I am aware of it, but I do it for the attention. I don’t mind getting hurt, I don’t care, or might even purposefully let myself get injured sometimes as an athlete. Not enough to get me out as I enjoy the sports I play, but just to get hurt for the Attention. I have somewhat extreme mood swings,where I just get pissed off over the smallest matter,multiple times per day, or just get incredibly sad and sulk for no reason whatsoever,just slumped and sit and think and think,then suddenly im happy,just happy,but in the sugar high kind,jumpy and fidgety .I don’t have the best relationship with my mother. We clash a lot, and I often make up scenarios in my mind where she and I argue,and she gets extremely unreasonable and even though it’s just pure imagination,I get so angry over it,to the point that I get lightheaded. All this issue but I think I’ve grown up relatively normal, like im not even near to affected by them, in fact, I remember,acknowledge them but never bring them up, which is unusual as I am someone who talks a lot, and I have no filter and im ok with talking about sensitive topics even if it’s personal, I think I forget they exist, and I don’t think they’ve impacted me in a way that’s obvious enough or fit the normal narrative of trauma response.
I try my best to get people to see me a certain way,even if it’s not good, but I like the attention. I think I do alot of things for attention,to the point where it made me a pathological liar.
My emotions are weird too. I feel them extremely intensely,I think a lot, overthinking about people leaving me, the thought of people leaving me scares me, especially since I have anxious attachments, and the moment a small sign of anything negative comes up, i absolutely crash out. But even though i have intense emotions,i feel very disconnected from them, in a weird way. I know what im feeling sometimes, I can write pretty poems and paragraphs about them and present it aesthetically, but ultimately I cannot understand the emotion, I feel like im disconnected or wired wrong, like TV static.i can identify the emotion just fine,just not feel it in a way that i can understand,like a huge void in my chest. I can’t be left alone I’ve realized, after a relationship ends, I keep finding new people to talk to, flirt with, as long as I had attention,even if I hadn’t move on properly yet, I don’t Analyse my emotions a lot and how they actually feel like, but I would write deep poems even if I don’t necessarily feel that way because I don’t actually know how I feel like. I smoke and drink,but not enough to be addicted. I don’t depend on them,but I think I’ve automatically connected them to feeling sad, or just numbness, that I often drinks and smoke just to be in that state of sadness, or feel the hole in my chest,even if the taste of alcohol makes me nauseous so I opt for hard liquor drowned with mixers.
I can never talk about this kinds of things to my parents, I can’t bring myself to tell that their daughter might be sick, because they’ve been dismissive or reacted badly before. They both have their own family traumas. Hence they could fulfill my emotional needs as a child, especially since I am the middle child, and my dad tries so hard to prevent his situation from happening again that our family goes into absolute chaos over simple arguments because my dads family was extremely chaotic and they hated each other and betrayed each other for monetary purposes, so my dad always prioritizes peace in the family, even if it meant oppressing one side,which was usually me, to please my mother, and other times my sisters, even if im the one whose right,aside from that, because my father might’ve never got the attention and love he needed growing up,hence, he made it the same way for me too,not intentionally but by cutting people of or constantly trying to one up everyone in bad situations, and anything else in general, so we could never have one thing to ourselves,and he would always have went through something similar,and just completely ignore your problem. I never asked for help and only did here bcos it’s anonymous, as I don’t want my parents to find out the things I’ve done before, even when I thought I might have bpd,or other issues
I’m aware that I’ve done things purposefully to harm myself, and has only stopped at things such as cutting, as I am unable to withstand pain.
