for some context my dad left me when i was 9 and i didnt really process it until i was 11. since 11 ive had thoughts of self harm but didnt do it until 12. ever since then at every minor convenience in my life ive thought of doing it and i cant stop. i want to talk to someone like my friends about it but im scared. im scared that my friends will leave me like my dad left because he claimed to love me and they do too but if it was so easy for him to just get uo and leave why wouldnt it be for them?
Hi @lightbuttercup9333 ,
I read what you shared about your dad leaving when you were 9, and how the thoughts started later and now come up even with small things.
There is a clear pattern in your timeline. At 9, you went through something significant but did not process it then. Around 11, you began to understand it more. By 12, the thoughts became harder to manage and you started using self-harm to cope. Since then, the response has repeated itself.
When an experience is not processed early, the mind continues working on it in the background. It can show up as repeated thinking, trying to make sense of what happened, or pushing feelings aside. Over time, when the pressure builds, the body looks for a faster way to regulate. For you, the self-harm thoughts became that response.
So when something small happens now, it is not just about that situation.
It is linked to a deeper fear that people may leave.
If I break this down:
What is happening underneath
- You learned that someone important could leave suddenly
- Your mind now watches for that possibility in other relationships
- When that fear is triggered, your body reacts quickly
- The self-harm thoughts come in as a familiar way to cope
What you might be holding
- Being: Someone who can be left
- Feeling: Uncertain, not fully safe with people
- Needing: Stability and reassurance that people can stay
The part where you said you want to talk to your friends but feel scared is important.
It makes sense to hesitate. If your experience has shown that people can leave, opening up can feel risky.
At the same time, I notice you are able to describe this clearly. That usually means a part of you is ready to be understood, even if another part is still cautious.
About sharing with friends, not everyone will know how to respond. Some may care but feel unsure, and might pull back because they do not know what to say. That does not mean you are too much. It means they may not have the skills to support you in this area.
Because of that, it may help to speak to someone trained, like a counsellor. Someone who can stay with you through this and help you work through what has been building over time. Your friends can still be part of your support, just not the only place you go to.
One small check for you:
When the thoughts come in after something small happens, does it feel like the situation itself is the issue, or does it feel like something deeper gets triggered?
If the thoughts become harder to manage, you can reach out to:
- SOS: 1767
- National Mindline: 1771
For now, it is enough to take one step.
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its usually both but it depends on the situation. usually i do it after my brother and i fight about something silly and i start crying. then while im crying i start thinking about how different my life would be if my dad was still here, or if he was a better father while he was still here. but i also get upset about other things like my body and just things. i have so many things that i hate about myself and others that its overwhelming sometimes. i wish i could just blow my head off or something but i cant bear the thought of my mom looking at my baby pictures after im gone, wondering where she went wrong.self harm is weird like that, i want someone to notice and ask me if im ok but whenever they do i push them away and tell them im fine. im such a coward
Thanks for replying. It seems like things build up quite quickly for you. A small argument happens, then your mind moves to thoughts about your dad, and then to how you see yourself. It becomes a lot to hold at once.
The thoughts about hurting yourself do not seem random. They seem to come in when everything builds up and the emotions become hard to manage. It also sounds like when one painful thing gets triggered, other difficult thoughts can start coming in too, including thoughts about your body, yourself, and your mum.
You also mentioned wanting someone to notice, but pushing them away when they do. That back-and-forth can happen when it does not feel safe to be fully open. A part of you wants support, while another part is trying to protect you.
Nothing about this sounds cowardly. It sounds like you have been trying to manage something very difficult for quite a while.
It may help to speak to someone who is trained to listen, like a counsellor. Someone who can stay with you through these moments and help you work through them. Your friends can still be part of your support, just not the only place you go to.
If you can, I also want to gently ask this: when the argument happens and you start crying, before the thoughts about your dad come in, what is the first feeling that shows up?
Please do reach out for support. You do not have to hold this alone. If the thoughts get stronger, you can contact:
- SOS: 1767
- National Mindline: 1771
- mindline.sg/get-help
You have been handling this for some time. For now, one step at a time is enough.
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