Hey, i’ll keep this short and easy.. i remember when i was 13, i was struggling mentally, i didnt tell anyone so i was trying to cope by myself. I had thoughts to harm myself but i never acted on those as i was afraid. Then, when i hit 15, i had more issues piling up on me, i couldnt take it anymore so i eventually did injure myself. It felt rewarding but guilt swarmed me. It was hard to tell anyone. Though, i did talk to my school counsellor about it. They ended up telling my parents, i was so scared to go back home.. when i did, they tried to deny it by saying, “you didn’t actually do that right?” and “its an exaggeration.” I bottled up my feelings and agreed with them, even though it wasn’t true. I used to only self harm when i was upset or hurt. Nowadays, i do them involuntarily, out of nowhere, with no reason at all. It stresses me out. My parents found out that it was real and told me to stop, if it were that simple, i would, believe me. Things got so bad to the point where i even had thoughts to end it all, it’s horrible. I’m tired of everything honestly.
Hey @lurative,
You said you’ll keep this short and easy… but what you described carries years of weight.
At 13 you were already struggling alone. You had thoughts of harming yourself but fear stopped you. That tells me something important, a part of you wanted to live, even then.
By 15 the pressure built up. You couldn’t hold it in anymore. When you injured yourself and it felt “rewarding,” that wasn’t because you wanted pain. It’s usually the nervous system finally getting a break from emotional overload. Physical pain can momentarily quiet emotional chaos. Then the guilt comes. That guilt, if I may say, often means you care deeply about your values, about your family, about not wanting to disappoint anyone.
When the counsellor, who is also reponsible for keeping you safe, told your parents and they responded with disbelief, “you didn’t actually do that right?”, that must have been frightening. You were already vulnerable. Instead of feeling protected, you felt exposed. Sometimes parents react that way not because they don’t care, but because they are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. Denial can be a defence against fear. But even so, your safety is their responsibility. Your distress was real.
You mentioned something very important: Before, you harmed yourself when you were upset. Now it happens involuntarily, out of nowhere. That shift matters.
When self-harm becomes automatic, it usually means the brain has wired it as a regulation shortcut. The nervous system learned, “this reduces the intensity.” I see It’s a conditioned coping loop. And the fact that it now stresses you out shows you don’t want this to be your solution.
You also said you’ve had thoughts to end it all. I need to be clear here, that moves this into a safety issue, not just a coping issue.
Right now the priority is protection. My concern for you is that I sense you are in immediate danger. Unless I am overly sensitive, please do not hesitate to call :
- Call 995.
- Or SOS 1767.
- Or National Mindline 1771 (WhatsApp +65 6669 1771).
- You can also go directly to the nearest A&E and tell them you’re having suicidal thoughts.
If you are safe in this moment but struggling:
- You need a proper wellness support. Not just “stop doing it.”
- Ask for a doctor’s appointment and request some time alone during the consult if needed.
- If school is still accessible to you, approach a counsellor again and clearly state that the urges are now involuntary and that you have suicidal thoughts. That level of detail matters.
You’ve been handling this in isolation for years. Isolation feeds rumination. Rumination feeds intensity. And self-harm becomes the interruption. But interruption isn’t the same as healing. Before we go anywhere deeper, I need to ask one grounding check:
Are you safe right now?
You don’t have to carry this by yourself anymore, but we stabilise first. Then we understand.