Hi, recently just got out of a situationship… again. Ive been single up until now, Ive tried so hard to find one but the people I like never seem to like me back and it doesnt feel good at all rejecting someone you dont have feelings for. It just feels like not having the validation of having a relationship is getting to me. On the surface I know its not everything, i have many other things to focus and be grateful for, but it really doesnt stop how i feel. Over the years, i did the work. I took time out to know myself, to focus on myself and to love myself. And i do love myself. I am so much better than i was in the past. I did so much inner work, considered so many different perspectives and grew up mentally. But this one last situationship really put the nail in the coffin. It just feels like all my work was for nothing because it didnt get me anywhere… again. I love myself but how do i love myself when everyone that I wanted to love me just doesnt? Would it be wrong if I just wanted someone other than myself to love me as well? And im G*y so dont bother about finding validation from family. I have a few friends, but growing up made us estranged and there really isnt much that i can do about that. I just feel completely isolated and alone and unloved for such a long time. I read online that having such a negative outlook might become a self fulfilling prophecy so ill end up sabotaging future relationships. But what else am i supposed to do when thats the only experience i have to draw from? How am i supposed to process the fact that giving someone everything, was still not enough? I know it takes time and stuff, but the time doesnt remove the sting, it just lets me have more experiences to focus on something else other than the sting. And after all these time, im back in the same position. My nervous system is a wreck, sometimes i can feel the burn from my heart and the difficulty in breathing. I dont know what to do now. Life feels so meaningless, and it feels like nothing is going to change from here on out as well.
Dear @emo-te
Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing. I commend you for taking charge of your life, especially by doing a lot of the difficult inner work needed to understand yourself. I can see that the processes you undertook have helped you in raising awareness about yourself, for example your needs, hopes and aspirations. That kind of internal reflection takes a huge amount of courage and honesty: to be able see deep into yourself.
I think it’s relatable and understandable that you are feeling hurt and believe thoughts you have such as you are unlovable due to relationships not working out. Partners have not reciprocated your efforts though you’ve given it your all from the get go. Wanting to be loved by someone else isn’t wrong; it’s only you being human.
I encourage you to consider the following:
a) “Giving someone everything” and it still not working is usually mismatch, timing, or their capacity. Please know that it is not proof that you’re unlovable.
b) Pace yourself in future relationships, start slow by calibrating your energy and expectations. Be clear what you want, boundaries to maintain, and ask yourself if the relationship is helping you be yourself. If not, filter out early.
c) Widen your circle of friends so that you can have many good consistent, healthy connections that expand your quality of life.
d)Process the grief and loss from past relationships with a mental health professional. Learn techniques during the sessions to help regulate and reset your nervous system and reduce the breathing difficulty.
Because you mentioned meaninglessness: if those thoughts become persistent or you feel like you might harm yourself, please call the national mindline at 1771 to immediately speak to a caring and compassionate counsellor. The hotline operates 24/7.
Please do consider taking small steps forward and with time, you have the honesty and determination to reduce the sting and the pain. Your life is infinitely precious, and you matter. Keep reaching out here whenever needed , too. 
Thank you for your reply, do you happen to have any recommendations for how I should adjust back to my original life pre-situation, any activities or steps that i can take in the short term to put a band aid over the heartbreak?
I really cant help but still feel so abandoned and unlovable, like i was not good enough, which i probably was. Ive been trying to cope recently, but nothing really works well.
Is there any way i can seek closure on my own?
Dear @emo-te
Thank you for reaching out again. Please know that over time, you can heal from the hurt. My experience is that healing is a process that we can’t fast track.
I recommend you can list out some activities or hobbies you have been putting on the back burner. These could be what you used to enjoy or new areas you always wanted to try. From this list, rank and prioritise the ones which you are most interested in. Next explore them and register. The community clubs and ActiveSG centres offer various activities at reasonable rates. I think engaging in activities can expand our vista and provide opportunities to make new friends.
As for the thoughts of being unlovable and beliefs such as I’m not good enough, you can write down these thoughts and beliefs and challenge them. This exercise can help to identify cognitive distortions that are contributing to distress. Reflect objectively if these thoughts and beliefs are true. Most of the time, we realise the distortions are not accurate. Next replace them with more balanced accurate thoughts and beliefs.
A counsellor can help to facilitate this process and hold space for you as you process grief/loss and address cognitive distortions.
Please be compassionate to yourself throughout this healing journey. Gently reintroduce joy and find fulfilment and purpose again. We are cheering you on as you heal, transition and discover.
Hey OP,
I’m sorry about what happened to you. I know how devastating heartbreak feels (went through it from my first and only ever relationship lol), and adjusting to life post-break-up is hard. Even when you go about your day, the thought will suddenly come back, and the dread starts to set in again.
It took me quite a long time to recover, around a year or so where I could confidently say that I had moved on and was doing better. There was a lot of crying…a lot of it. Talking and venting to friends, hanging out with people and going outside helped the moving on process. Though, it still leaves a bitter feeling in my heart, and I know it’s never going to leave. But I don’t see it as a bad thing; it just means that I’ve learnt something new about myself. I now have this experience that I’ll carry on moving forward.
I’ve also faced the same dilemma of “is it selfish to just want someone to love me like I do to myself?” One of my friends told me that “it’s not wrong to want that; humans are social creatures.” We need connection, and we cannot live by truly being alone. I wish I have the answer to this question, but unfortunately, I’m also still battling with that desire to want someone to love me. I also wish someone sees me with such tender, loving care, and want to spend the rest of their life together with me.
For me, I sort of just not made finding a romantic partner a priority. Because if connection is the core of why I want one, then I don’t have to find it in a partner–I can find it within friends and communities. I’m in several Discord servers with different friend groups where we all share a love for art and stories in multiple fandoms. I like to share my art, and usually we’d go on voice calls and just chill together. I know you’ve mentioned you’ve been estranged from your previous friends, so I can understand it may not be easy to find new ones, but I do suggest finding communities here through your interests or hobbies.
I wish you the best, OP. Take time to process your emotions and try to be gentle on yourself 
Thank you! It goes crazy when youre alone and if youre not busy. And its one of those things there really isnt anything else you can do about it. I try to externalize and reason it out but it never hurts less. Feel like if it was going to end this way might as well have not started it..
I also thought that way, too.
“If it was going to hurt this much, I shouldn’t have tried to pursue this.”
But that’s kind of the cost of a relationship, right? When you put so much time, energy and feelings into something, of course you’re going to feel devastated when you lose it.
Unfortunately, that feeling is going to stay for a while, no matter how you try to reason with it. You’ve just come out of this situationship, so emotions are still erratic and chaotic. Give yourself some grace. Know that it will get better, just that you’ll have to be patient with yourself for a while.