Situationship/ mental health advice

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

Ive had undiagnosed depression for more than 5 years in my life. 3 months ago, I’ve met a girl online who was the same age as me im New Zealand, we’ve hit off immediately and became best friends. On her birthday, I fell for her, due to her patient and kind personality. I confessed and she rejected me, only because of the distance, so now we’re in a situationship.

We communicate well, but sometimes I feel as if I’m not good enough for her. I overthink that she hates me, albeit the consistent comforting from her, and spiral easily whenever she wants time alone.

I’m looking for any help on how to cope or deal with this painful feeling.

2

Dear user8978,

It is amazing to hear that you met what sounds like a beautiful person. Despite the circumstances, it is a blessing that the both of you get to meet each other.

I hear that you’re in a situationship, and that there are sometimes struggles of thoughts of not being good enough, that maybe she hates you, and then spiralling when she needs space. When we have someone we love or care, we want to be with them most of the time, but when we cannot, or when we feel unworthy or underserving. It hurts.

And at the same time, you mentioned that you had undiagnosed depression for at least a good 5 years in your life. Might it also be a possibility that when we live with undiagnosed depression, we are so used to seeing the world in a certain way, that we no longer see the world as it is, but only through our own thoughts?

Can you see yourself the way that she sees you?
What made her choose to be patient with you?
To be kind to you?
To comfort you?
Can you see yourself truly the way others see you? Not how you see yourself?

Do you also recognize that you are maybe denying her, when you are insisting on being not good enough?

~~~
There is no easy answer to the question that you’re asking, because you have to fundamentally change the way you see yourself. If you feel underserving, then no matter what others say or do, it will never become your reality. And it’s not fair. To them, or to you.

Give yourself a chance at life, at joy, at relationship. Speak to a mental health professional, give yourself a chance at a new life. Here are some resources to consider:
CHAT

The Community Health Assessment Team (CHAT) provides confidential mental health checks for young persons between 16 and 30 years old, who are currently living in Singapore. They operate CHAT hub, a mental health centre located at *SCAPE and maintains an online presence through their website and webchat.

6493 6500

6493 6501

TOUCH Community Services – TOUCHline

Emotional support and practical advice are rendered through this youth helpline

1800 377 2252

~~~
I have one last question for you to think about, if you are open to it. If you want someone to love you, do you love you? Is it fair to ask someone to love us, when we can’t love ourselves? There is no right or wrong answer to the question. But I hope you find a relationship that never leaves you no matter what.

May you find love, joy and hope.
May you be the light in other’s lives,
Seektruth

3

Your kind words and questions really got me thinking hard about how I view myself, its true that ever since she appeared in my life, I’ve been viewing the world in a better light, but I haven’t changed how I viewed myself. I don’t think that I could love myself unconditionally without professional help. Ive just realised I’ve been underlying not only her viewpoint but also mine as well, and I hope to improve on how I treat and view myself. Thank you for giving me clarity when I’m spiraling so quickly.

4

Dear user8979,

Thank you for your openness and for receiving. I get the shivers as I read your response, I receive you.

And thank you for the vulnerability and courage in your words, that is a true gift. You also possess the gift of self-awareness, that in my opinion is one of the greatest gift. For we can only change what we are aware of.

Continue to keep using these gifts you have, continue to stay open, to receive and allow. Gift ourselves the opportunity to ask others for help, and gift others the opportunity to help us. For there will come a day, when we become the anchor and lift raft for others.

May you meet your true self, may you find unshakeable confidence and deep rooted love.
May you be guided to the right people,
Seektruth