I used to pass time by meeting people from dating apps, and spend time with friends. But now that I have graduated and my friends are all in other stages of life, we don’t meet often. Going through recent events coming out of a situationship, I have also reflected sufficiently and come to the conclusion I cannot continue meet people in this mindframe because I do not want to show up just because im lonely. Im proud of how ive matured recently but at the same time it is still so lonely. I am so so lonely and I dont know what to do I cannot focus on anything else. Any advice on how I should reframe my thoughts? Right now I know the right thing to do is to focus on myself and there are many things I enjoy doing by myself, but Im still so so so lonely and I hate feeling like that, but It feels so right to be alone and I feel the need to stay alone for a period of time. But it feels soooo bad…. Sorry for the convoluted way to put it. I know the right way to respond is to possibly join community events, or meet friends, reach out to people, and i did all of the above. But unfortunately they cannot be there all the time. I think im talking about the times during mundane days of our life where we are forced to be alone. How do I deal with the loneliness when I know in my mind I need to be by myself for awhile to grieve and heal. Its almost like im self inflicting this pain, forcing myself to be alone which produces the feelings of loneliness.
Hey @emo-te ,
Thank you for sharing what you have been going through. It must not have been easy to deal with all these difficult thoughts and feelings by yourself, and I wanted to tell you that you’ve done amazing hanging in there despite that 
I hear that you have this feeling of loneliness inside you and despite telling yourself that you should focus on yourself, it still feels very intense, the longing to be with someone, and it must have been difficult. I feel like it’s important to reflect on why you have such an intense feeling to be with someone whenever you are alone. Working on ourselves is a great thing to do, but I feel that social support and network is important too. And sometimes when we feel we do not have that, it could make us have feelings of loneliness, even in the presence of others. You could maybe reach out to your friends and talk to them about this. Would you be open to trying these?
Additionally, you also do not have to do this alone. You could try to seek professional help if these feelings feel too overwhelming for you and it’s starting to impair your daily life, or if you need guidance on this.
Also you mentioned that you feel you need yo be by yourself to grieve and heal. If you’re comfortable sharing, may I ask why you feel this way?
Hey @emo-te
Thanks for sharing your deep thoughts. It’s comforting to hear your reflection, and at the same time as it captures that tug-of-war between what your mind knows and what your heart still needs.
I read how you’ve pulled back from dating apps and casual meetups, it felt like you’ve outgrown the kind of connection that only fills time. Those encounters once gave a sense of being seen, but not necessarily of belonging. Now you’re craving something that feels real; not just presence, but meaning.
You said that you’ve started valuing yourself differently too. Maybe in the past, “maturity” was something people expected of you, almost like a label to earn. And now that you’re finally growing into it on your own terms, the quiet feels strange because no one else seems to notice that this growth matters to you. That can make the solitude hurt even more.
You’re right, about your choices being healthy. You’re not avoiding life; you’re grieving what no longer fits. But grief and healing both come with a kind of emptiness, the space left behind when old forms of validation no longer serve. It makes sense that part of you feels convinced you’re doing the right thing, while another part feels hollow.
Maybe let’s sit with the contradiction for a bit, recognise that you’re in between. What helps here is noticing small “windows of connection” rather than trying to fill every empty hour. Moments where you can reconnect with yourself (the self-soothing routines that remind you you’re enough) and, when possible, with others (those gentle affirmations that you’re still part of something bigger).
On the days the ache grows loud, remember it’s not self-inflicted, it’s simply your body remembering how much connection matters. If it ever feels too heavy to hold alone, you can be here and express how you feel. For now, maybe it’s enough to know you’re not broken for missing people, even while choosing to be by yourself. This stage, the in-between of grief and growth, is where self-connection quietly starts to rebuild belonging. How are you feeling now, after reading this?
Thank you for the comforting words. Responding to your question of why I need to be alone for awhile. I think I did not mean that in the form of any relationship but romantic relationships only. I still sometimes communicate with friends or even meet up with them and its great. However I think Im at the point in life where I am looking for romantic relationships, but I have just come out of a situationship and I dont feel that i am in the right frame of mind to get to know anyone new. And being in the dating pool for such a long time and having multiple situationships that just flammed out, It feels good to finally have some peace and focus on myself. But at the same time I cannot shake off the need to be loved. And i think thats the problem because its in those quiet times of being alone, mundane parts of life, I think its very comforting to know there is a partner doing it with you. Writing this makes me sound just a little bit desperate, you could attribute that to a lack of love in my general life, but it is what it is and I can only feel what I feel. Lowkey dont know what to do and how to approach this
Thank you for your comforting words! I think I pulled back from casual dating after noticing the patterns of most connections just flaming out into wasted time and effort. Maybe it is just a consequence of taking a risk at a connection, but i want to chase something more permanent and stable, which is myself right now. So I know its the right thing to do, I feel its the right thing to do. But i miss the high of being able to talk to someone and building a connection. It makes me feel seen and cared for in a way other forms of relationships cannot. Is there anything I can do when life feels heavy on my own and having things to do? Am I dangerous for putting romance on a pedestal because how can I be so obsessed with it when I do not even have it. But at the same time, if were being real thats what everyone wants in life too, and everyone is doing things to get it.
I think I feel overwhelmed with alot of conflicting emotions and trying to rationalize them together, it makes me confused how to approach life in future and how I should “be”.
Hey, when I read about what you said, “I want to chase something more permanent and stable, which is myself right now”, it shows how self-growth has become your new goalpost, but maybe that word “chase” carries a little pressure in it. Sometimes when we chase, even for the right reasons, it turns love, or even healing, into something to achieve instead of something to experience. Love, whether with yourself or another, often unfolds best when it’s walked with, not run after.
You’ve already noticed how dating apps once gave the high of being seen, but also the low of disconnection. That high isn’t bad, it just tells you that being emotionally mirrored matters deeply to you and that’s a beautiful truth, not a flaw.
When life feels heavy, one way to help your mind and body re-balance is through gentle rituals; like journaling. Write not to fix, but to recall: what do I value? what meaning do I place on love, on connection, on myself? Seeing your words brings your focus back to what’s real now, rather than what’s missing. On the days when the weight sits on your chest, pause and ask:
- Is what I’m thinking true? is it helping me right now?
- If not, step out for a while, walk, listen to music, count clouds, even reach out to Mindline 1771 to talk it through. Heaviness, when noticed kindly, tends to soften.
And your question, “am I dangerous for putting romance on a pedestal?”, honestly, no. It shows that you care deeply about intimacy. Maybe the next reflection is not whether romance is too important, but what kind of romance you imagine. What would it mean for you if love wasn’t a prize to chase, but a space to share? What would it look like to let someone know, gently, “this is how I love, this is what I’m looking for,” without losing yourself in the process?
For now, maybe the work isn’t to chase or to deny, but to stay curious about the pace… How love, like healing, can meet you when you stop running.
Hello @emo-te thank you for sharing this. What you said really resonates. Feeling that deep sense of loneliness, especially when you know you need time alone to heal, can be incredibly painful. It’s like you’re torn between what your mind knows you need and what your heart feels in those quiet moments. That’s such a human thing to experience, and it makes total sense that it feels heavy.
You’ve already shown a lot of self-awareness by recognising that you’re giving yourself space to grieve, even though it hurts. That takes real courage. Many people would try to distract themselves instead of facing that feeling, so give yourself some credit for sitting with it.
You’re absolutely right that connecting with others through community events or friends helps. But it’s also okay to take time to do things just for you. Maybe exploring a new hobby, journaling, or spending time outdoors could help fill those quieter moments with small bits of comfort or curiosity. It doesn’t erase the loneliness, but it can make being alone feel a little less like isolation and a little more like self-discovery.
And remember, healing doesn’t have to mean cutting off all connection. You can still reach out to people when you need to, even just a quick chat or message can remind you that you’re not alone in this.
You’re doing something really brave by allowing yourself to feel and reflect instead of running from it. Be gentle with yourself.
Hey @emo-te ,
Thank you for clarifying this and I hear you. It’s great that you’re still connecting with friends but right now I hear you’re still struggling with the longing of a romantic relationship.
I feel it’s not desperation to want to have a partner to be there with you to go through life, but maybe a need to feel connected or special to someone, and I think it’s fine to feel this way. I also sometimes feel this way whenever I see people in relationships or hang out with friends and their partners. How I cope with these feelings is to tell myself that right now I have things I want to accomplish and work on that would probably be hard to do so in a relationship, and set goals that I would want to accomplish and work towards them.
I also hear that you’re not in the right frame of mind to get to know anyone new, and that you feel good that you have some peace and focus on yourself. I think it takes a lot of self-awareness and reflection to do this and not everyone may take the time to do these, and that’s amazing on your end 
Maybe it’s your body telling you that it needs time to focus on yourself. Maybe you could try journaling or mindfulness practices to help centre yourself and reflect on what you want to do now outside of relationships, and work on it?
For now, maybe clarity on why you’re feeling this way, why it’s weighing so much on you and what goals that are important to you that you would like to accomplish could be the next step you could take. Would you be open to trying that? Hang in there and know you’re not alone in this