I am feeling so helpless and depressed!

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Hi, guys. I am really feeling so helpless and depressed. My thoughts of suicidal is coming back. I don’t know how and where did I get Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV-1) from, I am feeling so scared, I had been researching for the disease and getting more and more depressed. I felt so angry with myself, feeling that I shouldn’t be born in this world at all. If I have been more careful, will I be able to not get the virus. I tried eating my lunch and dinner, but all the food was vomited out. I cried and cried for hours alone. Feeling so helpless in this situation, I felt really apologetic to my parents for raising me up, but I failed them. I can’t sleep in peace at all, this few days I have been awaken by dreams and reality. I often stare at the moon thinking about nothing. In the end, I can’t find any solution at all, maybe death is the best solution out of this problem now.

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Dear @EthanLi,

Thank you for embracing vulnerability and sharing your challenges with us. Receiving a medical diagnosis can be very difficult, and it’s natural to need time to process it. Contracting HSV-1 is more common than you might think, and many people live full, healthy lives with it. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimated HSV-1, which typically causes oral herpes, affects about 67% of the global population under the age of 50. This translates to approximately 3.7 billion people. These percentage highlight that HSV is a widespread condition, affecting a significant portion of the world’s population. It’s a common virus, and having it doesn’t mean you are alone or that you have done something wrong. Many people with HSV live normal, healthy lives.

HSV-1 can spread through non-sexual contact, such as kissing or sharing utensils, and can be transmitted even when there are no visible symptoms. This means it’s not something that could have been easily prevented. Please allow yourself some grace and compassion. Please don’t let one medical condition overshadow all the strengths and qualities you possess. You are more than your medical condition.

If you’re comfortable, could you share whether you vomited after eating because the sores were causing you physical pain or if it was due to feeling overwhelmed emotionally? May I suggest reaching out to trusted and reliable resources for information on managing and living with herpes? Sometimes searching online can create more anxiety than clarity. Consult a medical doctor or counsellor to receive support in understanding this condition and learning how to continue living well. The DSC clinic may be able to share with you if there are any support groups available that you can join.

Here are some Singapore-based articles that I hope you’ll find helpful in knowing that you aren’t alone in managing this medical condition.

Having some suicidal ideation after receiving life-altering medical diagnosis is common. However if these thoughts persist, please reach out for support. Here are some community-based resources for your consideration.

It’s normal to need time to adjust to this news and make sense of it. If you’d like, I can share more resources on how to live with a herpes diagnosis. Just hit reply. To help with improving your sleep, you may want to try relaxing breaths or check out Drift to Sleep and Talk About Your Day

I hope the above has been helpful, if you’d like to share more with us or like more resources please just let us know. We’re here to listen to you and you matter!

Warm regards,
Cool Breeze =)

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Hi, @CoolBreeze,

I ate and vomited again and again, feeling so stressful about the situation. I felt so helpless in everything, everything that I am doing now felt so unmotivated. I keep hearing voices like “Serve you right”, “ That’s what you get” and laughter around me. This is causing me to unable to rest well, this few nights even starts having nightmares. I am feeling so tired, have no strength to live on for any hopes. The medical doctor I had visited is giving me less and less hope. Telling me that I am unlucky to receive this disease, after hearing this from him, my world just falls apart, all the hopes just shattered. I don’t know what can I do anymore. I know there is others who also has this disease, I admired those people. But I am born in a family with lots of issues, I can only tell my mom about this. But it’s unbearable for me to see her crying by herself because of me. I can’t even stop crying while writing this comment. Maybe this time death is the easy way out of this problem. I really do want to see the rest of world but I can’t really find the courage to do so.

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Hi @EthanLi , :wave:t4:

Thank you for reaching out and sharing more with me. I appreciate your trust. What you’re describing sounds really heavy and painful. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like you and your mom have gone through hardships and have a close bond. I don’t imagine your mom being able to recover if she lost you. It is indeed a lot harder to make sense of the medical condition when the doctor isn’t giving you hope. I’m sorry to hear this doctor didn’t offer you much empathy or support. I hope the option of going to a different doctor and getting a second opinion is available to you.

If you’re comfortable, could you please share more about the voices you’re hearing? It’s important to understand whether they resemble your own inner thoughts or if they sound like external voices. Could you describe the characteristics of these voices? For example, are they male or female? Do they sound soft and gentle, or loud and harsh? Additionally, do these voices remind you of anyone you know? Understanding these details can provide valuable insights into what you’re experiencing and how we can best support you.

Crying while writing this post lets me know that the pain is still a lot for you now and everything seems really scary.

Bethany Hamilton once shared that “Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you.” I’ve always found Bethany Hamilton to be a real inspiration for me. She was the inspiration behind the movie Soul Surfer. She was 13 years old and lost an arm in a shark attack. She had dreams of becoming a professional surfer and there was a scene in the movie where she learns of her challenges and is broken down. That movie scene reminds me a little of your situation where you feel beaten down and the odds are against you. With resilience and determination and small steps day by day, she worked towards realising her dream of being a professional surfer and is now a great inspiration to many others.

Your dream of seeing the rest of the world is possible. Many people are living with Herpes and are also able to enjoy a full life. With the right support and guidance you too can enjoy better days ahead. It will be challenging and uncomfortable at first but it is still possible to come out of this diagnosis stronger.

I would like to suggest a first step, will you please consider visiting a polyclinic and sharing everything you’ve shared with me with a doctor there. They can offer medical advice on managing and living with Herpes, and the doctor could make a referral for you to receive further support for your mental health. Seeking professional guidance can be a valuable step towards finding the support and resources you need.

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
CoolBreeze =)

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Hi, @CoolBreeze

I know if I suicide, my mom will be sad and unable to cope about my suicidal. But I really can’t think of anything else that suicidal. I have been planning my death for a long time, but when I see my mom, I will thinks if I am gone, what will happen to her, can she take care of herself? I actually wanted to retest again for the HSV test, but I am really afraid what if the results is the same, what will I do if that happens? I tried to relax and sleep but often woke up in a dream of me jumping or euthanasia in another country. I can’t really tell anyone what happening to me, all the stuff is causing me to not able to breath. I am feeling suffocated from all of these problems. I would like to visit another doctor but I am too scared. I can’t really think having a sticker on myself saying HSV person here, stay away from me.

The voices that I am hearing are like inner voices but they don’t resemble anyone. The voices that I heard the most is a older male’s voice, then a female’s voice, and a teenager’s voice. For the older male’s voice, he sounds like a friend or a brother to me, he sounds gentle and caring, often offers his suggestion to me to make like when I am thinking on what should I eat for lunch and others. For the female’s voice, is like harsher to me, often scolding and lecturing me. For the teenager’s voice, he is often laughing at me, when I would like to do something, he would be there saying “are you sure that she is treating you as a friend” , “you can’t be friends for life” , “ they will despise you if you told anyone your problem” . None of these voices sounds anyone that I have known. I have tried to visit Polyclinic near my place, when I reached the front door, the voices appeared saying “they will laugh at you if you walk into the door” , and I will starts hearing laughter around me. I am always having such a stress situation.

I felt so suffocated right now, I don’t dare to reach for help at all, what if everything just disappear, would it be better for me? I have actually asked others doctor, but hearing HSV facts from them, caused me to be more scared and anxiety in everything that I do. I am even thinking that my mom is placing a line between me and her. I can’t stop thinking and the voices aren’t even helping this time, now the voices are like “See, after telling your mom, she is placing distance between her and you” , “you should have never told anyone”. I am really scared, I even stop being the old side of me which is cheerful and happy in everything. What should I even try to do?

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heyyy i hear a lot of your fears and concerns are hinged on your belief that contracting HSV means there is sth unchangeably wrong with you :frowning: I want to say (and hope that you believe me) that i believe there is nothing wrong with you! it is scary nonetheless and it takes a lot of learning and understanding to make this illness feel less intimidating!
It also sounds like to me that there are a lot of perceived negative responses from those you shared this issue with, but i hope you also continue to hear more opinions from ppl like us here, that this illness does not define you nor does it change the value and significance of your life to this world and the people around you. among all the voices that may suggest otherwise, pls know that right here, we believe you are okay and we value you!
you can try to reach out to the community-based resources that @CoolBreeze suggested! Surround yourself with more positive voices who do not think the illness define you~
You can also try to seek more scientific and objective knowledge regarding this illness, so there isn’t any misconstrued perspective on what getting this illness mean. there may be misconceptions from ppl who are not well informed so it feels really scary, but those arent true! it is alike any other virus, like covid or other flu virus, that your body will build immunity against it and you will be alright with the right treatment. i didn’t know much abt this illness either, but i googled abt it and i thought maybe this article here will address some of your fears and concerns.
i know how hard all these are, we are here to support you, its absolutely normal to experience what youre feeling now with such a news, and with the right next steps, you will be able to overcome this challenge :muscle: :hand_with_index_finger_and_thumb_crossed: :people_hugging:

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Hi @EthanLi

Thanks for sharing with us so much even in your vulnerable state. I think it takes a lot of strength for you to be typing this despite how you are feeling and I am really glad you are seeking help for yourself in such ways.

You are definitely right about how sad your mom would be if you are not around. No parent would ever want that to happen to their child. I am sure she will support you through ups and downs. That is what family is for. If your loved one is going through a tough period, I am sure you would want to be of support to them, rather than having them leave you. Even though the journey may be tough and sad, it is better to go through together right?

It seems like your thoughts are overwhelming and confusing right now, thus the voices in your head keep coming. I can only imagine how frustrating and stuck it feels to be in your shoes right now. The fact that you are sharing your concerns with us, shows that you want to be supported, that you need connection at this moment, and not to be left alone in this journey. Nobody should have to go through this alone and you should not too.

Perhaps, it might be helpful to consider 1 person in your life who you think can be trusted and will be able to support you. Don’t deny yourself of the connection you need. It is hard to be dealing with these thoughts and feelings on your own. The first step would be tough as you are battling with the concerns of whether people would judge you. I hope you trust that there are people who love and care for you deeply, and they would never want to see you in this state where you are battling this on your own.

Also, the voices could mean that you are sinking deeply into self-blame. Here are some techniques for to consider:

  1. Acknowledge your feelings. Recognize that you are blaming yourself for your current situation, it is natural to feel this way but it is not helpful when these thoughts get too overwhelming and intrusive. Anger and regret are strong feelings you may experience and acknowledging them is part of processing your emotions. Denial will only prolong the process and make you feel more stuck.
  2. Self-compassion. Be kind to yourself as you process this situation and know that you have made a mistake. Even if the solution is not your most desired outcome, there are alternate ways out of it.
  3. Forgive yourself. Know that you did not want for this to happen. People make mistakes, you deserve forgiveness and I hope you give yourself permission to move on. Visualize yourself letting go of this guilt that you are holding on to. How does it feel like and what would it take for you to reach there?

Lastly, I really hope you can be patient with yourself through this. And also, seek support if possible. Help is available as long as you reach out. I hope you find the strength in you to work things out. Do take care.

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Dear @EthanLi,

Thank you for sharing more with us. I wholeheartedly agree with everything @Raindrop shared with you. I encourage you to give those strategies a try. Additionally, consider writing down every unkind thought you encounter and then counter it with a positive affirmation. This practice will help you improve an important life skill of reframing unhelpful thoughts into more constructive ones.

For example:

Unhelpful Thought: “Are you sure that she is treating you as a friend?”
Positive Affirmation: “I choose to trust in the authenticity of our friendship. I am deserving of genuine and supportive relationships.”

Unhelpful Thought: “You can’t be friends for life.”
Positive Affirmation: “I believe in the possibility of long-lasting and meaningful friendships. I am open to nurturing connections that bring joy and support into my life.”

Unhelpful Thought: “They will despise you if you told anyone your problem.”
Positive Affirmation: “I recognise my worth and value, and I deserve empathy and understanding. I trust that sharing my thoughts and feelings will strengthen my relationships and lead to greater connection.”

Unhelpful Thought: “They will laugh at you if you walk through the door.”
Positive Affirmation: “I am confident in my worth and abilities. I choose to enter with self-assurance, knowing that I am deserving of respect and acceptance. I am not defined by others’ reactions, and I hold the power to shape my own experience.”

I hope you’ll always remember that you hold the power to reshape your thoughts and beliefs, empowering yourself with positivity and self-assurance. Wishing you the very best, please take good care of yourself.

Kind regards,
CoolBreeze =)

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Hi, guys. Sorry for the late reply, was visiting doctors for the past few days. Yup, I did take @CoolBreeze @Raindrop @duckling advices and visited the doctors. The doctors asked me to do another blood test, but unfortunately I was really contracted HSV-1. The doctors that I now visited said it is normal and don’t be scared, but tbh it’s scary for me. Thank you for telling me this all the kinds words, it really means a lot to me right now. The situation has been getting worse and worse for me, but since I started chatting with you guys @CoolBreeze @Raindrop @duckling , I have started to feel there is a bit more positively in this situation. I have tried thinking that this illness doesn’t change anything, it is just a virus going inside me. But in reality, I tried to think that way and I failed, I just can’t seem to think positively about this illness. From the moments that I heard from my doctor saying that I had contracted HSV-1, my mind just went completely dark. The fear and concerns starts to overwhelm me, and I felt like I am stuck deep down a fully dark river, I tried to swim to the top get out of the river but finding me to sink deeper and deeper and eventually failed trying to get out. I frequently thinking what’s my purpose of life, felt extremely lost in direction about my life for a long time, long before I even contracted this illness, after contracting this illness, the situation adds up to another level of stress for me.
After contracting the illness, I started searching for more informations and try to understand more about the illness on the web, but unfortunately after reading lots of the informations about the illness on the web, I just starts to get trapped in the negatively process and can’t stop thinking about the negativity, from there I will slowly get into an anxiety state where everything became a disaster for me. The voices and laughter began to start more frequently, saying things I heard so many times. Lately, I have found myself to have difficult times in breathing normally, my chest starts to feel compressed and every breath hurts, the mind continues to be in a fully negative state. everything that I tried doing can seem to cheer me up at all, I just keeps crying and crying, the mind just keeps on repeating on all the negative things like “the doctor say you are so unlucky to get this illness” , “your friends will turn against you once they heard you have this illness” , “ no one loves you” and so on.
I have actually tried some online sessions with some doctors about this illness, but all I can heard from them is there is no cure for this illness, you are stuck with this illness for life, you need to take care of yourself and so on. After hearing this, my mind just stop functioning, all other advices or informations that the doctor tried to let me know just can’t pass it through my mind, the negative mindset keeps on messing around, voices appearing before, in between and after the online sessions. The article that you shown is pretty helpful to me, but I just can’t get over the negative mindset. I am even thinking of signing up a clinical trial tests at overseas that primarily focus on this illness. I do understand that I will have immunity over time, but the fear just keeps on coming to me. As I am also scared that I will be unable to get married and date someone in my life. I am scared that people will run away from me because I have this illness. Is HSV really common in Singapore and Malaysia? The doctors told me that all people have antibodies in them, it’s just they doesn’t know about it.
As I am now seeing doctors for help, I might not be able to reply so frequent, it will takes a couple of days to reply back. I do hope that I will become the previous side of me, cheerful and happy. Anyways, thank you for all the helps. And I will update all of you when I am better. Once again, thank you

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im really glad to hear you’ve got some access to people who are not prejudiced against this illness. i think as much as this illness is not that horrible, it is still really real how you’re now physically unwell, and that in itself is a traumatic experience. so all your negative thoughts and emotions tied to this illness - completely normal. its probably going to be a bit of a process overcoming these negative emotions, then slowly learning to cope with it, live with it and potentially thrive in spite of it. i really agree with @Raindrop, the idea for you to be patient with yourself!! every bit of positive change day by day is progress, so be kind to yourself on this journey okie. no need to force yourself to be 100% okay immediately, but that also means the darkest moments wont stay as always. things will get better!!
holler here anytime, wishing you all strength and courage, i believe in you!! :muscle:t3:

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Hi @EthanLi ,

Thanks for giving us an update. I’m glad the second doctor sounds a lot more emphatic to your medical situation. Receiving a diagnosis like HSV-1 can indeed be overwhelming and frightening. It’s normal to feel scared and anxious, especially when faced with the uncertainty and stigma often associated with this condition.

It’s also completely understandable that you’re finding it hard to stay positive right now. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to think positively, our minds can get stuck in a cycle of negativity. The important thing is that you’re reaching out and trying to find ways to cope and understand your condition better.

Remember, HSV-1 is very common, and many people live full, happy lives despite the diagnosis. The initial shock and fear will gradually lessen as you adjust and learn to manage it. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling—there’s no right or wrong way to react to such news.

Please also know that having HSV-1 doesn’t make you any less deserving of love and companionship. Many people with HSV-1 have healthy, loving relationships. Open and honest communication with future partners is key, and you’ll find that there will be people who understand and support you. While some might not, and those moments can feel uncomfortable, remember that this does not reflect your worth or potential. Your self-worth and self-esteem are non-negotiable. You are deserving of respect and love, regardless of your health condition. I hope you’ll be patient and trust that the right person will be able to look past any initial hesitation and work with you to manage the condition while living well together.

Regarding your symptoms of anxiety and physical discomfort, it might be beneficial to discuss these with a mental health professional. They can provide strategies to manage your anxiety, help you develop a more balanced perspective on your diagnosis, and support you in dealing with your emotions as you navigate the days ahead.

Lastly, take your time to process everything. Healing and adjusting to this new reality will take time, and that’s perfectly okay. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel and express your emotions without judgment.

We believe in your strength to get through this. Keep reaching out for support and remember that it’s okay to take things one step at a time. Your mental and emotional well-being is just as important as your physical health.

Thank you again for trusting us. We’re rooting for your journey toward healing and self-acceptance. :smiley: