I am scared and uncertain of my future. I'm scared to lose myself in my job

[user5339]

I’m in my final week as a Year 3 intern in my company’s design department. What makes this so conflicting for me is that, for the first time, I’m truly uncertain about my future. I’ve always prided myself on being head-on, passionate, hardworking, and clear about what I like and dislike. I was placed in a genuinely good company, where my teammates treat me so well. I even felt comfortable enough to open up to my supervisor about personal matters, and she’s been nothing but kind and supportive. I even enjoy the actual work I’ve been assigned.

And that’s what makes this so hard to process.

The job is a standard 9–5 office role — long hours in front of the computer every day. I absolutely hate that part, but I know it’s the norm, and I can’t change it. In my previous internship, I already mentioned how much I disliked this work lifestyle. I feel the corporate drain creeping in. Even during my commute, I notice people with blank, exhausted expressions — not because they’re bad people, but because they’re working just to survive. I know some people are content with this, and I respect that.

For me, though, it hits differently because of my experiences with anxiety and OCD. I never want to take a good day for granted, because I know how brutal my mind can be on bad days. This lifestyle makes it harder to keep in touch with my granny overseas or with my friends who care and want to connect. On my days off, all I want to do is shut down and rest — and even then, anxiety sometimes creeps in. At work, I can distract myself, but on quiet days, the thoughts come back.

I’m scared that if I do this long-term, I’ll lose myself, my spark, and just become another part of the soulless rat race. I keep wondering if there’s something better out there, something that allows me to work on a computer but still protect the things I value most. The corporate grind feels like it’s stealing from me, piece by piece.

Right now, I’m typing this at work, crying quietly. My anxiety and OCD keep throwing endless loops and themes at me. I can fight them off each time, but that doesn’t mean it gets easier, and I hate going through it. I feel helpless and guilty, because I know I’m privileged to even have work at all. I feel unappreciative of what I have, because I know there’s people out there having it worse, it just makes it seem like I already have it good and I’m still complaining. But privilege doesn’t erase struggle. I can be grateful and still want more for my life. But it feels like I can’t…

Why am I like this?

[ScribblingSunflower]

Hey @user5339. Thanks for sharing this openly. I can feel how heavy this is for you. I hear how exhausting it is to keep showing up in a role that both fulfills and drains you like I hear how much you appreciate your teammates, supervisor, and the meaningful parts of your work, and at the same time, how draining the lifestyle feels for your energy and spirit. The guilt you feel for even questioning it makes sense. Society often tells us to “just be grateful”, which can silence our real needs. But you can be grateful and want change.

Reading your words, I can see how self-aware and reflective you are. You’ve already identified your needs: meaningful work, time for loved ones, and space for your mind to rest, and that’s a strength many people overlook until burnout hits.

It’s understandable to feel fear about losing yourself to a routine that doesn’t nurture you. That fear comes from knowing yourself well and valuing your spark. That’s something worth protecting.

Sometimes, even small adjustments like adding micro-breaks, setting clearer work boundaries, or carving out intentional moments for things that recharge you can make a difference while you explore longer-term options.

You’ve already taken a big step by naming what’s not working for you. That’s the starting point for making choices that protect your mental health. Even if you can’t make a big change right now, there may be ways to keep your spark alive until you can.

I wonder if you could make one small change to your current routine this week to protect your energy, what might that be?

May you find pockets of peace in your days, and may those moments remind you that your well-being matters just as much as your work

[CaringBee]

Dear @user5339

Thank you for writing in and expressing how you have been feeling., I’m glad you took this first step to seek help and clarity.

Please know being someone having doubts and hang ups is you being only human. I don’t think you are ungrateful, in fact you are expressing gratitude for the good work environment and colleagues. It’s valid to need certain conditions to feel safe and alive. It’s also okay to love your team and be thankful for the opportunity, yet still feel the lifestyle isn’t right for you. Gratitude doesn’t mean forcing yourself to stay somewhere that slowly drains your spark.

I gather anxiety and OCD make the weight of this work rhythm even heavier, and that doesn’t mean you’re weak. I believe it means you’re attuned to what your mind and body are telling you. It’s very valid to aim for a lifestyle that facilitates you to connect with friends, reach out to granny and which allows you to live your life in an expansive way. You are self aware that you need more all rounded balance in your live to thrive and maintain good mental health.

It’s ok that you don’t have all the answers now. Complete your internship first with pride because look how far you have come, how much you have overcome to get here. I gently encourage to explore future roles that fit both your skills and your well-being. You’re fully deserving of a life that feels good and meaningful.

[lilac]

Hi @user5339

I hear that although you’re currently doing an office 9-5 job for your internship and have some good experiences, you still know that on the long term it’s not something you want to do. It’s really brave to not just identify your likes and dislikes, but also to consider how you can explore sticking to them. I think what really stood out to me is that you’re also doing this for yourself – knowing that you have your own struggles with mental health and wanting a lifestyle that allows you to take care of yourself. I’m really heartened by your commitment to show up for yourself.

Yet I hear that there’s fear, anxiety and even guilt in doing so. That idea that it’s a privilege to work, yet the structure of the job experience you have now is not something you want. I just want to affirm that doing something different and exploring the unknown is scary, but you’re not alone. Not being in corporate is normal and is okay. Maybe it’s a privilege to work or to explore what we would like to work as. But I’m wondering if you realise that you deserve to enjoy these privileges. Because it is so okay, and you do deserve it.

[CozyCompanion]

Hello @user5339 thank you so much for sharing this.

First of all, please know that everything you’re feeling is valid, and you’re not alone. You’ve expressed something that many people feel but struggle to say out loud. How the corporate world can slowly wear you down, even when the environment itself seems good on the surface.

It says a lot that you’re in a company where your teammates treat you well, your supervisor is supportive, and the work is fulfilling, and still, you feel this inner conflict. That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It just shows how much your mental and emotional well-being matter to you, and how sensitive you are to your own limits. That’s something to respect, not feel guilty about.

When you live with anxiety and OCD, everything can feel more intense. Even quiet moments can become battlegrounds for your mind. It makes complete sense that you’d feel overwhelmed or exhausted, especially when you’re trying to show up and do your best in a system that doesn’t always leave room for rest, connection, or reflection.

You are incredibly self-aware, and it’s clear how much you care, not just about your future, but about how to live a meaningful life. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re grateful and still want something more aligned with your values. Wanting more peace or a better fit for yourself doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. Struggle doesn’t need to be compared or justified. It simply matters because you matter.

One small thing that might help is building in moments during the day that are just for you. Even something like a comforting lunch or a short walk can give you a sense of space. These small anchors won’t fix everything, but they can remind you that you still have some control, even in the middle of the grind.

And if the mental loops and thoughts are getting heavier, reaching out to a mental health professional might give you tools and support to manage them. Not because you need to be “fixed,” but because you deserve help, and you don’t have to carry all of this alone.

You are not weak or ungrateful for feeling this way. You are thoughtful, reflective, and deeply in touch with what matters to you. That’s not something to feel ashamed of, it’s something to honour.

You are doing your best, and that is enough.