I don’t know what I’m feeling

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1

So basically I broke down crying after my mom looked at my iPad without my permission and saw that I was watching a kdrama… no big deal right? :pensive_face: …I honestly felt a huge wave of embarrassment and anger and sadness when I realised she knew what I was watching. Not because I was watching a pg13 rated content when im 16 but because this fear of being judged by her.

When I was 12, I happily shared with her about this Roblox role play which was family friendly about high school life and she replied “ you shouldn’t be watching these videos with a frown on her face. Although many years pass by, her reaction has deeply affected my trust and openness with her. Why? Because everytime i tell her something, I must prepare myself to hear a response that I wouldn’t want to hear and to prepare my feelings from getting hurt. Back to the kdrama video- honestly I felt that sharing my hobbies such as listening to kpop and watching dramas are really hard to share with her. Because she always tells me her opinion with something like “ oh.. you like this ah.. why.. how .. did you get into this?” So to me, it’s very judgmental​:pensive_face:… (and even though from a readers perspective you may think that “ oh she’s just trying her best to know you better” well I got some news for ya, trust me it’s not. She really is indirectly telling me that I shouldn’t like this”blahblah” and I the feelings I feel are shame,embarrassment, sadness and anger.

When I look at my classmates mom’s and their relationships, they watch c dramas together, share what manga they’re reading and also what music they listen to. I’m jealous.But growing up, from the ages 11-16, I find myself TRYING to open up more and share more with my mom about my interest but she always has some sort of judgmental response. The only time she has asked me about going to K-pop concerts was when her friend’s daughters were talking about it. So I feel that she only pay attentions to my interests when she sees others daughters having that interest too.

And back to the kdrama- she opened up my iPad without my permission (crossing my boundaries) and sees the drama, and laughs. She just laughs. And after that she lied and said “I didn’t see anything” . Sigh… i … just went into the store room to calm myself down and broke down in there. I’m still breaking into tears now but I’m trying to regulate my emotions.

I feel embarrassed, sad, angry. Like this drama things was supposed to be only something for me to know and enjoy , an outlet for stress and it makes me happy. But now that my mom knows, I feel that I can’t even go back to watching that drama because my heart clenches and the tears just keep on coming. I’m really embarrassed and I don’t even want to speak to her anymore. It’s like I have nothing I can keep just to myself for now. Like their peeling me open and leaving me out to dry.

On a side note, my mom has always been crossing my boundaries. Although she does not have a curfew for me, she stills invades my privacy,(by taking my things without my permission, throwing always stuff that mean so so much to me away without asking me first and I feel that she doesn’t like when I talk back to her) who doesn’t right? But I feel like talking back is the only way to stand my ground and ask her to stop crossing my boundaries. But guess what. She still crosses it and Im at my breaking point to where I can’t stop crying and all I can do is just write my angers down in a notebook since screaming out loud would get me slapped or called a crazy person.

And when she opens up the store room door which acts as my room, she just asks “why are you crying” with a scoff. And she says “ what did I do?” I.. I give up answering that. Thinking about everything she has done that had shaped my behaviour since I was 5 , is too much for me to handle. I will break down into tears again and cry until I have a headache.

And if that’s worse enough for me, my mom also booked a flight for a one week vacation which coincided with my school orientation days. So guess what she’ll not inly be crossing my boundaries 10000000times but will also try to make my school life harder and tell me to “go with the flow”. To make things clear, yes she did know that it was the week of my orientation and YES she did know that I did not want to go for vacation but guess what. She still booked the flight ticket. I really feel like I have given up on trying to be nice to her and because I’ll always end up hating her in the end. And also she booked me a flight ticket just because it was a girls trip with her friends! Can you believe it. Yes I understand that you want me to be a good daughter and follow you on the trip just like the rest of your friends going with their daughters too. But she doesn’t understands that I’m NOT like them, IM NOT the daughter she wants me to be. And I will stand on that she respects my boundaries.

So I would really appreciate if the people of mind line help me work out my emotions?and also some coping mechanisms. Im feeling HUGE embarrassment like just thinking about her knowing I watch k dramas just make me want to bury myself into a hole and NEVER come out. I dont wanna face her. I don’t even want to talk to her. I’m scared , im sad , im embarrassed and angry and thinking about it brings me to tears.

About coping mechanisms I have tried in my life:

1.writing down thoughts and crumpling the paper.(doesn’t really work for me)

2.Binge eating (because when I’m angry i cry and I want to be vocal about it. But I would probably.. get slapped for shouting too loud so I just stuff food in my mouth to prevent myself for shouting.)

3.Listening to music ( doesn’t work on me anymore)

  1. Watching dramas ( FAILED. As you know above.) I can’t even bring myself to think of it because I’m “traumatised” and I would feel like crying again.
  2. Isolating myself in a room for a while (3 hours max to cool down.) DOESNT WORK. Why? Because I don’t have a room and when I’m in the store room family members keep on bothering me. And YES I have told EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM THIS COPING strategy of mine and they don’t care or forgot about it . Because when I talk, nobody listens, nobody truly is willing to understand me.

And so that’s why my last resort was really to pour my feelings and thoughts on mindline for millions idk how many strangers to see this. But what I really do need is a therapist to help me sort out what I’m feeling and how I can actually not feel traumatised when just thinking about the drama. I really don’t know what else to do.

And Im asking for help, thank you​:face_holding_back_tears:

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Dear @user1813

Thank you for reaching out with a lot of honesty. I laud your efforts, I see it as you proactively searching for ways to reduce pain and struggle and thus improve your well being.

Reading your post, I can see you are deeply affected by what has been happening at home between your mother and you. Please know that you are not overreacting.

Understandably, you broke down during the K drama incident because your privacy and boundaries were crossed, and it reminded you of a long history of feeling judged, laughed at, and not emotionally safe with your mother. Understandably watching the K drama is your own private, unique way of seeking solace, joy, and comfort. Your mother finding out about it triggered feelings of blame and shame. On top of it, you felt anger and sadness as well. I think you are human to feel so. Do be gentle with yourself.

I see you have repeatedly tried to open up to your mother for years and learned again and again that sharing leads to hurt. That belief is showing up when your body reacts fast and hard when triggered. I gather your nervous system is protecting you.

May I suggest these steps to emotionally regulate even when you have little privacy.

1. Calm the body first (before thoughts)
When tears or chest tightness hit:

  • Breathe in 4 seconds, out 6 seconds (long exhale)

  • Press your feet into the floor and name 3 things you can feel

  • Hold something cold (bottle, spoon, towel)
    Do this for 1–2 minutes. It helps the emotional wave pass.

2. Name what’s happening (silently)
Try:

“I feel embarrassed and unsafe right now. This will pass.”
Naming reduces intensity. You’re not judging the feeling but just recognising it.

3. Contain the emotion
Instead of forcing it out or stuffing it down:

  • Write one sentence only (not pages): “I’m angry because my privacy was crossed.”

  • Or clench and release your fists slowly 5 times
    This releases emotion without escalating it.

4. Protect, don’t punish
You’re allowed to keep things private.

  • Use passwords/log out

  • Keep comfort activities discreet for now
    This is self-protection.

5. Reclaim your comfort slowly
You don’t have to go back to the drama yet. When ready, start small:

  • 2 minutes

  • with grounding (feet on floor, slow breathing)
    Your brain will relearn that it’s safe.

6. Get support
Speak to your school counsellor soon for support. They listen non judgmentally and can provide a safe space for you to process your pain and cope in healthier ways.

I sincerely believe that wanting privacy, respect, and emotional safety dos not mean you are being a “bad daughter.” Your feelings are fully valid, even if not understood at home right now.

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Hi @CaringBee , thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post, I sincerely appreciate it​:heart_hands:. Thank you for acknowledging my efforts, and helping me note down the emotions I felt and why I felt them. It really helped me understand why I broke down and felt emotions like sadness and anger. Thank you again for hearing me out and sharing steps to emotionally regulate. I will definitely be using these steps again to help me emotionally regulate when needed. I would like to say thank you again for making me feel better :mending_heart: and as time goes on, I will try to slowly heal from the “trauma” . Thank you :heart_hands::smiling_face:.