since last year my mental state has just been getting worse and worse, it first started in end of year exam last year and the stress got too much, so i used to get burnouts, no motivation, cry occasionally. then i quit competitive swimming this year and my parents kept trying to make me continue swimming at public pools, it went on for a while until march where i had to take a surgery and couldn’t swim for a while. since then i basically haven’t went to swim ever again. it just became so tiring because at some point something i use to love to do, something i found comfort in became something i had to force myself to do, the pressure and expectations were too much i really couldn’t take it anymore. so whenever my parents, especially my dad mentioned it, i always got really triggered and would just burst into tears even in public because can’t he just take a hint and realise that i just want to forget it once and for all?? even the word “swimming” makes me feel tired. then there was also a lot of other small events, and i also had a major friendship problem in school, so i really lost a lot motivation to do things. three days into school and i felt tired, drained and i couldn’t focus in class. my parents also have a problem with me staying up late to use my laptop but it’s really just something i do to keep my brain occupied, because sometimes at night the thoughts all just flood in and they come for two seconds and get replaced for another thought, it flashes around so hard and my head hurts. then my emotions also switch alongside these thoughts, i can flash through 10 different emotions in 30 seconds, this happens way too much now, both in the day and at night just that it happens more at night. music is one of the only things keeping me grounded right now, the genre of music i listen to reflects what im feeling and sometimes i want to avoid ballads and all sorts of sad or slow songs because they make me feel sad, but sometimes its the other way round, when im looking for a reason to feel sad. its really a hopeless feeling when i see that my parents care more about me using my laptop at 11pm to rant to my friends not noticing i was coming down from a cry (it was dark but my voice was coarse and i was sniffling), and threaten to take away my laptop. when my dad confiscated my airpods the other week really took a toll on me not being to able to listen to music. i’m also really different around my friends compared to around my family. with my friends im generally a very positive and happy person but at home i barely speak a word and completely keep to myself, i really wish my parents could just notice a bit more and actually ask me what’s wrong, because everything is wrong, the whole 2026 is leaving me in shambles. i really don’t know what im supposed to do and im going down the spiral quick
Hi @starrfading,
It sounds like there is so much weighing on you right now. The swimming, the school stuff… and all of it piling on at once. It makes a lot of sense that you’re feeling the way you do.
To be honest, the swimming thing is one of the hardest things to go through. When something you love slowly becomes another thing you have to perform, achieve and meet expectations in, it stops feeling like a safe place and becomes a source of pressure instead. Plus, your dad bringing it up over and over again when you’re already carrying so much will definitely be exhausting and hurtful for you too.
Getting triggered by this isn’t an overreaction. When something that once gave you so much joy becomes a source of pain, your mind and body remembers that. The reaction is real and it makes complete sense.
I’m also sorry about the friendship situation, that kind of thing cuts deep especially when school is already somewhere you have to show up to every day. Losing that sense of safety with people you trusted is a lot to carry on top of everything else.
And honestly, the fact that music is keeping you grounded right now isn’t a small thing. It’s actually really good that you have something that helps you regulate, even if it’s not always consistent. Hold onto that.
One thing I wanted to ask, have you ever considered talking to your school counsellor about any of this? That might be a space where you don’t have to hold it all together, and someone can actually help you figure out what to do with all of this. Has that ever crossed your mind?
i don’t trust school counsellors enough to talk to them, my parents will find out one way or another and i don’t want to find out what their reaction will be. i’m really so tired that i find comfort in crying, i end up yearning for that feeling, i don’t know why it just happens. i get angry at every single detail and i have no motivation to keep going anymore, my only motivation is music and my favourite artist, some people say it’s not that deep but it really is. i’ve thought about cutting but i’ve avoided that good enough for now, but kind of starting with my nails.