I’ve started studying again foundation level before university. I finished high school in 2020. I got my phone back after high school and started to read fictions and sometimes play games. I didn’t kept up with the trends and I stopped talking with my friends around September 2021. During Covid I got quarantined with my sister in a room and during that time I think I felt happy because I got to eat my favorite foods during that time.
But after that my favorite aunt passed away to Covid and just months after it one of my uncles passed away from cancer. I wasn’t beside them during their last days. I didn’t even cry during that time. I don’t know why.
In 2022 i took classes for ielts and took accounting basic level 1&2. For the ielts classes I wasn’t doing most of the assignments I sat at the back and read fictions. When I say fictions it’s fanfics. I was doing ok for accounting classes but I didn’t take the official exam to get the license. And i don’t remember much after that for 2022. In 2023 I learned how to drive but I couldn’t get the driving license because I was still waiting for my 18 years old national ID. I became 18 in 2022. My mom got hospitalized in 2022 for 2 months from high fever and her liver was something. And we got to 2024 I thought new year let’s try to be the best me. I got my ID in the third week of January. In February the military announced they will be recruiting to fight in the civil war and the forms came in march. They are the bad guys. The military kill a lot of villages and burned down a lot of villages. And so i went to extend my passport with my mom and sister and it costs around 500$ but in our currency it’s 2.5 million. I got mine in like a month it’s the last week of march. And I left my home on April 16 to Bangkok where my brother came to help me rent my own place and try to cheer me up and take me around. He left after one week back to Singapore. I lived there for three months changed place every month. I celebrated my birthday on June 30 my brother came as a surprise. He left after 4 days . And I got my evisa for Malaysia and came here in July 3rd week. I got into UTM foundation. My cousins ( sister and brother) are already here studying there. My brother came the next morning to help me register for the semester. And I stated my semester on the last three days of July. At the start I was interested in it and did well on the subjects . But I started to lose focus. I started hating it. And right now I hate myself. I haven’t made any friends, I don’t talk as much as I used to with my cousins even though we live in the same apartment. I’m a disappointment. I used to dream about becoming successful. I had plans . I thought about going to law school in my home country before covid and thought about going to uk to continue study law after 4 years but after Covid the coup by the military happened. And that plan went out the window. Right now I don’t want to make my mom worried cuz she has cancer and she already went to India for treatment like two months ago. She got better but last week she got hospitalized for like 6 days because of the fever and something my sister didn’t tell me. I don’t want to call my mom every week even though I promised her that. I don’t want to tell my brother either cuz he’s already busy with work and he’s paying for my everything right now. I just want to give up everything. Even the fanfics I read to not think about things started to bore me I can’t even watch a movie anymore. I loved watching anime but it started to change to reading manga. But that also bores me now the only ones I keep reading are one piece and blue lock. Right now my finals for the first semester is coming in like 3 weeks I don’t know anything. I don’t have my notes I don’t understand anything anymore I don’t even want to get out of bed every morning at 6 . I just want to sleep in and brood and cry and read fanfics listen to music and cry and give up. I want to be in high school again . I have friends, had a gf that my sister doesn’t like, skipped tutoring classes and went on a road trip with friends , even though I didn’t have my phone I had fun. I was happy . Loved smiling. Didn’t hate people . I want to be happy. I want to stop going to uni. Or may be try to finish it. I want to go somewhere alone where I don’t have to worry about anything I don’t have to think about anything I can just take a walk along the streets . Play music on my headphones on max volume and maybe dance around in the room . Sits on the sofa and play Fifa/ Ea . I just want to rant.
Hi @User1581,
It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot, feeling overwhelmed with everything you’re managing. Your feelings of frustration, sadness, and exhaustion are valid, you’ve been through so much—from navigating loss, family challenges, and moving to a new place, to dealing with academic pressure—it’s no wonder you’re feeling stretched thin.
You mentioned missing the version of yourself who felt happy and connected. That part of you is still there; it’s just buried under all the weight you’re carrying right now. It’s okay to take small steps to reconnect with that part of yourself. Maybe it’s listening to a song you love, taking a short walk, or even just imagining a space where you feel calm and safe. These little moments can make a difference. Journaling doesn’t have to be about reliving painful memories. It could be about writing where you’d like to go, even if it’s imagining a peaceful place or jotting down small thoughts about the day. Start small, and don’t pressure yourself.
I hear your hesitation about reaching out to your mom or brother, and that’s okay. What if you took a small step, like sending a quick text to say hello or sharing a simple update about your day? Reconnecting doesn’t have to be all at once. It’s okay to ease into it. And for yourself, what’s one small, manageable thing you can do today? Even something as simple as organizing one set of notes or taking five minutes to breathe deeply and stretch can help ease the weight you’re feeling.
It’s hard to focus when everything feels overwhelming, so instead of trying to tackle everything at once, consider breaking it into smaller steps. Maybe today it’s just reviewing one subject or a key concept for 15 minutes. Small, consistent steps can help you regain confidence. Remember, finals are important, but so is your well-being. You’re trying your best, and that’s enough. It’s okay if things aren’t perfect right now. You’re allowed to take care of yourself in the process.
I know it’s hard to find joy in the things you used to love, like reading or watching shows. Sometimes scheduling even 10 minutes to engage in something enjoyable—like playing a short game or listening to a favorite playlist—can help recharge your mind and spirit. If you feel comfortable, reaching out to a university counselor or support group could provide additional help. They’re there to walk with you through these challenges and help you feel less alone.
It’s clear how much you care about your life and future. That’s a powerful thing—it shows that, even when it’s hard, you’re still trying. You don’t have to figure everything out at once. Take it one step, one day at a time. Reaching out, even here, is already a big step forward. You’re not alone in this. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for your help. I’ll try my best.