First time on here actually and i don’t really know if this is something that’s uhm, relevant (??) to talk about on here but I really just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve struggled to go to school for years and I feel as if this year everything just got worse. Uhm, school has really been hell for me it’s been a place where I just felt excluded out of everything, I’ve been bullied before and idk if those are contributing factors for my school refusal but back to the point. When school started this year, I went there rather okay for the first 3 months or so but after that i just started to avoid again, every morning telling my parents that I had a really bad stomach ache so i wouldn’t have to go. Eventually i just took a gap year, and yeah it’s nearing the end of the year and I requested another gap year because I’m realising that my mental state is not great at all (forgot to mention i was only recently diagnosed with MDD despite feeling severely depressed for years) and I initially wanted to focus on my mental health but my dad just wants me to focus on getting back to school and making a plan which i really don’t want to because any mention of school triggers a depression episode. So i dont know if i should just tell my dad that i just want to use the next year to focus on myself first and THEN focus on planning for school or what.
I really don’t know how to write anything recently sorry if this is extremely messy and horribly phrased.
Dear @fishyfuture
Thank you for writing in and no need to apologise for your writing. I think you have expressed yourself clearly. What you wrote is not messy or irrelevant. You sound exhausted, overwhelmed, and stuck between what you need and what others expect from you.
It’s fully understandable that you are struggling to go to school after being bullied for years. I believe you are responding to the hurt inflicted, despite efforts. I note you did attend school for a few months but then burned out. Given that you’ve only recently been diagnosed with MDD after feeling depressed for a long time, your experience makes sense. It also signals that you’ve been pushing yourself through something very tough for years.
Hence any talk about school now triggers your depression. I have observed that when something has been a source of pain, our mind and body learn to react to it as a threat. Wanting time to focus on stabilising your mental health before planning your return to school is not avoidance. I see it as a reasonable and responsible need.
It may be timely to seek help from a counsellor soon to address the depression, past bullying trauma and current triggers. Jointly work out a sustainable therapeutic plan that you can commit to. Thereafter, with support from the counsellor, re engage your dad on your commitment to work on and improve your mental health during the gap year.
Though it may not be what your dad wants, by giving him a clear plan on what you need may help you in negotiating an outcome that facilitates your recovery . 
Hey @fishyfuture, thank you for sharing!! I want to say that your level of self-awareness regarding your mental health and experience at school is great, it seems like you know what is right for you and I am glad that you chose to prioritise your mental health. In spite of what your dad says, while education is important, your mental health should take precedence over it. I believe that you need to be in a good mental state in order to succeed in school and I hope you can try to get that point across to your dad 
You might want to come up with a plan, including homeschooling or online learning courses if that is within your means, and explain it to your dad. I hope it works out for you, take care!
Hi @fishyfuture Thank you for sharing and being so honest with your struggles:heart: It sounds like you have been feeling really overwhelmed and you’re sort of in a dilemma too..you’re not alone in this and I understand that sometimes it can be really difficult to make others understand your priorities regarding mental health. You mentioned the experiences you had in school which must have made it really tough and painful, but you’re actually really strong for going through all that. The fact that you have chosen to take a break and observe your own mental wellbeing shows a lot of strength too. I just wanna let you know that you are allowed to put yourself first- afterall it’s your own mental wellbeing! It would be great to have an open and honest conversation with your dad and consider what your therapist/counsellor/ professional thinks too Feel free to share more:heart: