Just like the title says, I really don’t know what to do for my future, even as a 19 year old male. All I think about the future was simply work and earning salary for rest of my life. But even that doesn’t make me happy, in fact that made me even more depressed.
I may or may not have ergophobia, which is fear of work. A person like me, with abysmal grades that barely passed the national exam, didn’t go to university because it’s just not worth it for me, and refuses to even work, just makes me all the more doubting my very own existence in this world.
Recently my mom decided to sign up a course of making coffee for me, without my consent or any say in it. It was so sudden that it made my mind spiral, I couldn’t express the state of my mind from it to anyone because I just don’t think I can get the help I needed, not even in my country’s mental health system especially that it’s still stigmatized.
I don’t know what am I living for anymore, I only do so because of my sister, distracting myself with workouts and drawing. Yet I’m an adult, when society demanded me I should go to work, I couldn’t mentally. I just couldn’t imagine living in a world where all I could think of is just mindlessly living on with no happiness.
Sometimes, I rather be a hikkomori than slaving myself away in this world. If all my life is just supposed to just work, why am I here ?
That feeling of “why am I here if life is just work and suffering”, that’s a heavy place to be in right now. What you’re describing, this dread of a future that feels like nothing but work and obligation, with no real happiness or meaning in it, that’s a genuinely painful way to see things and it makes sense that it’s weighing on you so heavily.
One thing worth sitting with is the version of the future you’re dreading, where life is just mindless work and salary, is one picture of adulthood, but it’s not the only one. You already have things that matter to you, drawing, working out, your sister. Those aren’t small things to fill time with, they’re clues about who you are and what gives your life texture.
The coffee course your mum signed you up for without asking, I can see why that felt overwhelming and intrusive, especially when you’re already struggling. But I’m also curious, is there any part of you that’s open to it, even slightly? Sometimes a small, low-stakes skill can open unexpected doors, not because it solves everything, but because it creates a little movement when everything feels stuck.
We did went there for an open day which is a restaurant while the class itself is on the second floor, although not many people were there. We did made some coffee and cocktail, but honestly, at the time I’ve probably concluded that it just wasn’t for me.
Even if I say no to my mom, we would’ve had an argument like before, but because she doesn’t understand about mental health, talking to her is out of the question. I rly had no say in the matter. It was so sudden that it made my mind haywire, to the point I wanted to something bad for myself just to get out of that course.
In my life, there’s no alternative path for me. Our family isn’t that rich so we unfortunately have to work eventually, but that prospect just made me more hopeless.