i have been seeking help for mental health conditions (not disorder) since last year (overthinking, ** ideation, meaninglessness, mental exhaustion etc), but because of life changes i haven’t been seeing a professional for about a month (and before that for a few months). hopefully soon.
recently i find myself feeling that people are threats to me, or i feel emotions that i desperately don’t want to feel. eg i keep feeling upset when friend X hangs out/has something in common with friend Y (who i’m closer to) and i’m not part of it
i have talked to myself about this multiple times, explained to myself, rationalised things, even talked to friends X and Y about it (without phrasing it in a bad way), and i still can’t stop these feelings. this makes be really upset at myself, because it makes me feel like deep down i’m a toxic and possessive friend though i desperately don’t want to be. i know growth takes time but idk how long more i can take myself being like this
another eg: i am starting a job somewhere, and somehow my internal instinct is to see the other person as a threat, rather than as someone to be friends with/learn from
i generally try to be a nice person to everyone, and i rly do my best not to create drama. i do want to try to be friends and be someone people are comfortable with. i just hate all these emotions and internal things i feel towards people. it makes me feel so terrible but i just dk how to make them go away. i promise this is not who i want to be.
i really dk what to do. i know all the logical reasons and am honestly just upset that my heart isnt listening to my head. and after all that, my heart gets mad at itself. and i feel like this way too often. this is not the life i want to live.
Thank you for sharing and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. What you’re describing is painful, but it doesn’t mean you’re a bad, toxic, or possessive person. The fact that these feelings upset you and that you try so hard not to act on them actually shows the opposite.
Unwanted emotions can show up even when we know better. That gap between your head and your heart is frustrating, but it’s very common, especially when you’re tired, stressed, or in a period of change. Feeling something doesn’t mean you agree with it or that it defines you. What matters is how you act, and you’re clearly acting with care.
Please try not to punish yourself for having these reactions. The spiral of “I feel this → I hate myself for feeling it” only makes things heavier. Growth isn’t about making these emotions disappear overnight, but it’s about noticing them, not feeding them, and being gentler with yourself while they pass.
It’s good that you’re planning to see a professional again, that’s not easy and you are really amazing for that. You don’t have to solve this alone. And for what it’s worth: this doesn’t sound like who you are, it sounds like a struggle and still trying to do right by others. That matters more than you think. <3
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Hey @tryingsurviving ,
Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like what you’re going through is incredibly difficult and exhausting. The constant conflict between what you think inside your head and what you feel can be really frustrating. However, the fact that you feel that this is something you want to improve on and that you’ve been putting effort to try to improve it shows that you have great awareness and perseverance!
Additionally, I hear that there are times that you feel that people are threats to you. Even though you’re able to rationalise that this is not the case, your heart feels otherwise. However, this does not mean that you’re a bad or toxic person. Perhaps your heart requires more time to understand this, and that’s okay! I’m also glad you’re planning to see a professional about this and not face it alone! It’s not easy to seek help and I really love the determination you show in wanting to improving yourself!
Please be kind to yourself and know that these feelings do not define who you are. The fact that you are putting so much effort to improve them shows otherwise. Know that we are here for you too, and you can reach out here anytime if you need a listening ear 
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Dear @tryingsurviving
Thank you for reaching out. Adding on to what the supportive community here has shared, I can sense your genuine commitment to live authentically and in accordance to your values. I believe what you are thinking, feeling and doing currently is not congruent to who you are. This is contributing to the distress you are experiencing.
You are only human and not a bad person to have thoughts and feel the emotions you described. The fact that you notice these feelings, don’t want to act on them, and that you are actively trying to understand them already shows honesty, care and integrity. I think that is deeply laudable and a good first step towards getting better.
I also observe that you have already taken proactive steps to see a mental health professional to get the support needed to cope better and improve your wellbeing. May I encourage you to prioritise this act of self care soon. You fully deserve to enjoy a better quality of life. Meanwhile continue to reach out for support from the community here whenever needed.
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