My boyfriend and I had a fight about two weeks ago - It was initially something small but it escalated. We had the fight at the start of our date and it upsetted him a lot. During the fight, he told me he was looking forward to this date the whole week. He was really upset and sad that we fought. We talked and I comforted him but it seemed that the impact of the fight was really significant because he has been acting emotionally distant and different for the two weeks. I have asked him everyday what is wrong so that we could fix the problem. As of today, he told me the day we fought really “snapped” something in him. He says he did not want to do anything at all after that day. He tells me he forces himself to work and to study and he tells me that he feels so lonely at his new workplace and at school and then when he returns home he faces me crying on the phone. He says he is living such a sad life. I don’t know what to do, I really want to offer him support but i don’t know how to. I did not mean for the fight to escalate so much that it would hurt him this much.
The past calls we had during the two weeks also made me realised i was a toxic girlfriend.
I did not respect his likes - I always wanted to watch what I want to watch; did not know he doesn’t even enjoy them. I was so selfish to him. I did not have healthy boundaries, always upset when he does not text me back soon. I have made these mistakes repeatedly and I don’t know if he still trusts me to change.
I know i should probably give him some time and be patient but it is hard to be patient; i just want us to be happy again.
first of all, i think its already a big step forward that you’re recognising the impacts of your own actions thus far! i dk what exactly went down between you and your boyfriend, yet hearing how apologetic you are and how you really want to make amends, i feel like its half the battle won! hope you see and feel the strength in yourself by just being able to be honest about the situation.
if you could make yourself 3 promises for how you wish to be better yourself, what would they be?
and with these clear in your mind, i think it would bring clarity for you and your boyfriend when you two find a time to have a sincere conversation on how to be more present in the relationship together, you can share these reflections with him!
Dear @frog
Thank you for sharing what has happened. It sounds like your heart is really heavy right now, and I can feel how much you care about him—and how deeply you want to make things right. That takes a lot of courage and humility, and I want to start by saying: you have a lot of self awareness for realising these things. You’re human, and recognising the parts of yourself that need growth is already a step toward change.
The fight may have felt small at first, but what matters more is how it landed for him—and it seems like that moment hit him during a time when he was already feeling overwhelmed and emotionally fragile. When people are stretched thin—lonely at work, isolated at school, and tired—it doesn’t take much for something to “snap” in them. It wasn’t your fault. It sounds like the fight became a symbol of everything else he’s struggling with, not just the relationship itself.
But it also sounds like you’re doing something really important: reflecting. You’re noticing where things may have been unbalanced, where your needs might’ve overshadowed his, and where your love may have shown up in ways that felt heavy to him. That self-awareness is hard, and it’s beautiful, because it means you truly care.
Right now, he might need space not because he wants to walk away, but because he’s trying to find his footing again. And I know that’s so painful, especially when all you want is to hold him and tell him you’ll do better. But giving space is love too. Being patient doesn’t mean doing nothing—it means showing quiet, steady support while he heals.
If you haven’t already, you might try writing him a short, heartfelt message—something like:
“I know things have been heavy lately, and I want to say I’m so sorry for the ways I’ve hurt you. I’m learning from this, and I want to grow—not just for you, but for us. I understand that you need time and space right now, and I’m here when you’re ready. Please know that I love you, and I’m rooting for you always.”
Sometimes, saying less with sincerity can feel safer and more healing than trying to fix everything at once. And while you wait, take care of yourself too—because part of becoming a better partner is also becoming a kinder friend to yourself.
You two have shared something meaningful. That doesn’t disappear because of one hard moment. People can grow, and relationships can heal. You’re already walking toward that healing. Keep going gently. 
This sounds like a painful and confusing time, and I can tell how much you care about him and want to make things right. Realising your own behaviour is already a great step forward imo! Relationships are complex, and sometimes, even a small fight can open up deeper feelings that have been building up over time. From what he said, it seems like the argument wasn’t the only thing affecting him—it may have just been the tipping point for feelings of stress, loneliness, or emotional exhaustion.
I think for now, the best thing you can do to show him you’ve realised your faults is to start respecting his current needs; which is to give him space without abandoning him. Instead of asking him whats wrong everyday(which shows that you care, but could feel overwhelming for him), you can just let him know that you’ll give him space and when hes ready to talk or if he needs a listening ear, you’ll be here. I understand it is difficult for you to be patient as you are worried and anxious about what this means for the relationship, but true love comes with respecting one’s emotions and boundaries. Let go of the urge to rush things; Trust is built through little steps over a period of time, not just 1 telegram message or paragraph ~
Jiayou! Regardless of what happens, you’re in the correct direction based on your self-reflection
Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it! I will take your advice of improving myself through 3 goals first. Really appreciate it <3
Thank you for your sincere advice; I feel heard by your words and it really expressed how I felt about the situation - where i just want to hug him and give him all the support i could but i understand i should be giving him some space right now and silently be by his side; i will try my best to do so.
Thank you for your response, I feel validated by it because it really is a confusing and heartbreaking period for me. I will try my best to give him space and time to heal and be a listening ear to him; I agree that trust is built throughtout time and I will try to be less impatient