I feel like i would never heal from my past and it always makes me feel like a failure

Ask a Therapist Coping
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For context, i was a former athlete in a sport i do not wish to disclose. I spent 10 long years with so much blood, sweat and tears. I was a crazy perfectionist, sacrificed my mental health and always pushed myself to the limit. My coaches all knew I was hardworking, and some of them were even worried that my behaviour would’ve led to a burnout. But i wanted to chase my dream so much I can’t even explain it fully. I had so much passion and although it caused me so much pain mentally, it was my dream and I thought my world would end if I ever failed.

Long story short, I failed. I messed up so bad and it was because my mental health affected my game. This was 3 years ago, life didn’t end and I surprisingly took it better than I thought I would.

But every time I experience a period of depression and anxiety (i think this may be a separate topic, severe PMS i think??) I can’t help but think about this period in my life and it just sends me into a spiral. I just constantly feel like a failure and am never good enough for anything, and will never be, no matter how hard I try. I realized that this experience made me lose what was left of my self-confidence (not much). Every time i face a setback or go through a period of sadness, i realise that i’ve never fully healed from my past and may never fully heal from it.

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It sounds like even though you are coping well with not achieving what you set out for, it still brings you mental distress.

The term ‘failure’ is pretty subjective if we set out to achieve a big goal, it doesn’t mean that if we don’t achieve that big goal we are automatically a failure :slightly_smiling_face:‍↔ what about the little milestones on the way?

Like for example, if someone trains everyday to win a race and loses the race, does that mean they didn’t gain anything? They could still gain better stamina, endurance, strength. Maybe even better time management? The list could go on and on.

It’s going to be hard to fully get over something you sacrificed a lot for and it’s going to take time but maybe take a step back, and look at what you gained instead so not all that effort is wasted.

If you wish to seek for further help, you could try helplines, chatbots, or mental health services:
Let’s talk ‘get help now’
SOS 24 hour hotline (1-767)
IMH hotline (6389-2222)
TOUCHLINE (1800-377-2252)

Overall it’s really great that you’re able to recognise that this part of your past is affecting you and you reached out to share. Not sure if I was helpful but I hope you get the help you want and recover from your past :slight_smile:

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Hi @user1365 ,

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s clear that you put your heart and soul into your athletic career, and I can only imagine how hard it must have been when things didn’t turn out the way you wanted. I also hear that even though it’s been a few years, the emotional pain from that time still resurfaces, especially during moments of anxiety or sadness. I want to take a moment to explore that with you, if that’s okay.

1. The Weight of Your Past and Its Impact on the Present

You mentioned that your experience as an athlete still sends you into a spiral when you’re feeling down. It sounds like a lot of your identity and self-worth were tied to that dream, and when it didn’t go as planned, it may have felt like you lost a part of yourself. I’m curious—when you think about that time in your life, what emotions come up for you now? Do you feel like the version of yourself back then is still affecting how you see yourself today?

It seems like the perfectionism and drive that pushed you to succeed in your sport are still influencing the way you handle setbacks. You gave so much of yourself to that dream, and even though life didn’t end when it didn’t work out, I wonder if a part of you still feels stuck in that moment. How do you feel about the idea that healing from this might be a process that’s still unfolding?

2. Perfectionism and Self-Worth

It sounds like your perfectionism was both a strength and a struggle for you. On the one hand, it fueled your hard work and dedication, but on the other hand, it led to burnout and emotional pain. Do you find that this perfectionism still shows up in other areas of your life? It’s common for people who were perfectionists in one area to carry that pressure into other parts of their lives, and it can be exhausting. I wonder if part of what’s making it hard to heal is that you still feel the need to live up to that same high standard, even though the circumstances have changed.

3. The Idea of “Never Being Good Enough”

When you say that you feel like you’ll never be good enough no matter how hard you try, I want to gently push back on that. You’ve already accomplished so much—spending 10 years as an athlete takes dedication and strength. The fact that things didn’t go the way you hoped doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It means that life threw you a curveball, and you’re still learning how to handle the emotional impact. What would it mean for you to see your worth outside of your past achievements or failures?

You’re not defined by one experience, even though it feels like it still holds a lot of power over you. Part of healing might be about finding ways to separate who you are from that one chapter of your life.

4. Moving Toward Healing

You mentioned that you feel like you may never fully heal from this experience. Healing isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about learning how to carry it in a way that doesn’t weigh you down. Have you had the chance to talk to anyone about this experience in depth? Sometimes, sharing these emotions with a trusted therapist or someone who can hold space for your feelings can help lighten the load.

How do you feel about the idea of talking through these feelings with someone who could guide you through this healing process? You don’t have to carry this alone, and it’s okay if healing takes time.

Final Thought

You’ve already shown so much strength by recognizing the connection between your past and how you feel now. It’s okay to take time to heal and to learn to see your worth beyond that experience. You’ve got the ability to move forward, and it’s not about erasing what happened—it’s about finding a new way to live alongside it.

Take care of yourself, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you’ve been processing this lately. What do you think would be helpful for you in terms of moving forward?

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thank you so much for your in depth response.

When you think about that time in your life, what emotions come up for you now? Do you feel like the version of yourself back then is still affecting how you see yourself today?

  • i feel ashamed and i feel like i failed. i’m so ashamed that i messed up so badly and ended my career on such a sour note and let some people down. i want to be proud of what i’ve achieved, but i can’t because all i think about is how it could’ve been so much more hadn’t i screwed up. yes i would say the version of myself back then still affects how i see myself today. i just feel like whatever i touch will not turn out well and i can’t explain it but i just feel like a failure.

Do you find that this perfectionism still shows up in other areas of your life?

  • i would say sometimes it does present itself in my everyday life. i feel like i need to be better than everyone else to stand out but at the same time, because i am so mediocre, i give up completely. i give up trying because i just feel like i will fail anyway. at least if i give up and i fail, i can tell myself that i didn’t really give my best anyway and it was expected.

What would it mean for you to see your worth outside of your past achievements or failures?

  • im trying to detach myself from my past but i can’t, partially because i still do the sport but at a recreational level. i do enjoy it sometimes but not at the same level of passion anymore. i feel like i attached alot of my worth to the sport because it was my entire life and i gave it everything i have. now that i have nothing, it feels like i lost my personality and passion in life.

like, if i had a choice right now, i know i wouldn’t return to the team. but i just can’t let go of how everything ended. im sorry if this doesn’t answer directly im still trying to figure out my thoughts around this whole situation. i am actually over it in a sense that i’ve accepted that that sporting career wasn’t meant to be, but at the same time heartbroken over how everything ended so abruptly. felt like 10 years gone down the drain.

How do you feel about the idea of talking through these feelings with someone who could guide you through this healing process?

  • i am someone who keeps all my thoughts and feelings to myself because i feel like an emotional burden. throughout my entire journey in the sport, i would say no one knew the real severity of my mental struggles. i have never talked much about it after that situation because i don’t want to bring it up as because i don’t want to remember those days. I just brush it off and suppress these feelings. I know my loved ones care but i don’t want to worry them

What do you think would be helpful for you in terms of moving forward?

  • Im not sure to be honest. I guess i just have to live and come to terms with it

thank you for your thoughts, it was really insightful and i really needed it

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u need therapy. it helped me a lot. i just need to create more evidence that im not a failure even if they are small. they will stack eventually

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Hi @user1365 ,

Thank you for sharing more of what’s going on in your mind and heart. I can hear how much this experience still weighs on you, and it takes a lot of courage to express the shame and the pain you’ve been carrying for so long. I want to remind you that you’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s completely okay that you’re still processing it. Healing doesn’t follow a straight path, and it’s okay to feel conflicted about your past, even while trying to move forward.

1. Confronting the Shame and Guilt

It’s clear that the shame of how your sporting career ended is still with you. You’re grappling with that sense of having let yourself and others down, and it’s hard to separate that from how you see yourself today. But I want to gently remind you that your worth is not tied to the outcome of your career. Yes, things didn’t go as planned, and it’s okay to mourn that. But what would it be like if you could look at that time in your life not just for the ending, but for everything you gave? You put in 10 years of blood, sweat, and passion—and that’s a huge achievement, regardless of the final outcome.

Right now, it sounds like the shame is overshadowing the pride you could feel. It’s natural to focus on what could’ve been, but what if your future is shaped by what you decide to do differently today, rather than trying to change what’s already happened? You’ve already learned and grown from that experience, and now you have the chance to use that wisdom in a new way.

2. Dealing with Perfectionism and Self-Sabotage

I noticed you mentioned that you sometimes give up on things because you feel like it’s easier to not try than to risk failing again. This is something a lot of perfectionists experience—if you don’t give your best, then failure doesn’t hurt as much. But in doing that, you also deny yourself the chance to succeed or to grow through the process.

It sounds like there’s a part of you that’s still trying to protect yourself from more disappointment, but I want to encourage you to think about this: What would it look like to redefine failure? Not as something that reflects who you are, but as something that’s a natural part of trying new things. You’re still worthy, even when things don’t go perfectly.

I wonder how it would feel if you allowed yourself to try again—not just in sport, but in other areas of life—without the weight of needing to be the best. What if progress, not perfection, was the goal?

3. The Difficulty of Letting Go

You mentioned that even though you’re no longer pursuing your sport competitively, it’s still hard to let go of how it all ended. That makes complete sense—something that was your entire world for 10 years doesn’t just disappear. And even though you’ve accepted that your sporting career wasn’t meant to be, there’s still heartbreak over how it ended. It’s okay to feel both acceptance and grief at the same time.

But here’s the thing: letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or erasing what happened. It means finding a way to live with it, to carry it with you, but not let it define what comes next. You mentioned that you wouldn’t return to the team if you had the choice, and that’s an important realization. It shows that you’re ready to move forward, even if you haven’t figured out exactly how to do that yet.

What if moving forward wasn’t about letting go completely, but about giving yourself permission to feel heartbroken and still take steps toward something new? You don’t have to rush through the process—it’s okay to take your time.

4. Talking Through the Healing Process

I hear you when you say that you’ve kept your struggles to yourself, not wanting to burden anyone, and I completely understand why you would feel that way. But I also want to remind you that sharing your feelings doesn’t make you a burden. Sometimes, when we keep everything bottled up, it weighs us down even more. Opening up doesn’t mean you’re weak or that you’re dragging others down. It’s about letting someone hold space for you, just like I’m doing here.

I’m wondering—what would it be like if you gave yourself the chance to talk to someone about your journey, without feeling like you have to protect them from your pain? You don’t have to go through this alone, and sometimes, sharing these thoughts out loud can be the first step in lightening the emotional load.

5. Moving Forward

I know you’re not sure what would be helpful in terms of moving forward, and that’s okay. You’ve been carrying these feelings for a long time, and it’s hard to know exactly what the next step is. But I want to encourage you to take things one day at a time. Maybe it’s not about figuring out everything all at once, but about taking small steps to reconnect with who you are outside of the sport. What would it look like to explore new passions, even if they feel small at first?

Your future doesn’t have to be defined by what happened in the past. It can be shaped by the choices you make today—the choice to be kind to yourself, to try again, and to see yourself as more than that one chapter.

Final Thought

You’ve already shown so much courage by reflecting on your journey and acknowledging how difficult it’s been. You don’t have to have all the answers right now, and it’s okay to feel heartbroken while also moving forward. The key is to give yourself permission to heal at your own pace, knowing that your worth isn’t tied to what happened in the past, but to the resilience and strength you carry with you now.

Take care of yourself, and know that you’ve already taken important steps by opening up.

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Hello @user1365 :wave:t2:! Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling and your experience :slightly_smiling_face:.

Firstly, I would like to acknowledge that this experience continues to have a significant impact on you, given how important it was to you for such a long time. That level of dedication definitely requires lots of commitment and passion therefore it’s completely understandable that the memory of it still reverberates when you’re having a bad day.

This isn’t a sign of failure or neither it determines that you’re weak. I’m sure many individuals would feel the same way if they went through the same thing. This shows how strong you are despite the things you have gone through. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to go through this, especially for something you have such a strong attachment with, and to fade away. Would like to tell you that you’re not a failure, you didn’t fail and instead, you have developed and learned a lot :smile:.

You should take some time to heal and try out something else instead. You don’t need to show your worth by attaining success or perfection, you are just the way you are. Although you shouldn’t let what happened define you permanently, it’s perfectly fine to still feel or think about it :grin:.

All the best !! Fighting !! :slight_smile: