I have a urge to cheat on my gf

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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Growing up, i built a strong moral compass for relationships but something in me is trying to change that

I am in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for over a year and for some reason, I have grown to not be sexually attracted to her body. This leads me to going to ■■■■ for sexual needs. However when our relationship is going through a rough phase, I have a urge telling me to go on dating apps to “find” fwbs or to hire a escort for sex and honestly this is affecting how I view and respect my girlfriend.

There was a point of time when we almost broke up and she told me I could get a fwb and I have never felt so happy before. It was very wrong but I was happy with it until she withdrew that offer away from me once things are better

I have a feeling I might be addicted to ■■■■ or to sexual stuff, but when I look at other girls I have small urges to make them “my fwbs” even though i never had one before

I feel really sick in the head for thinking of doing stuff like this and furthermore I was lowkey acting on it with a mature friend of mine, luckily she drew the line and rejected me from a fwb relationship before we did anything intimate.

I don’t know what should I do with this urge, listen to it and face the music or don’t and be stuck with this constantly trying to build my frustrations.

Please advice in anyway possible and I hoped i am not getting judged

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Hello @GuyTryingHisBest thank you for sharing this here. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of conflicting feelings right now, and that must be really heavy and confusing to navigate. The fact that you’re aware of these urges and how they conflict with your values shows a lot of self-awareness and responsibility.

It’s understandable to feel frustrated or ashamed for having these thoughts, especially when they go against your moral compass. What matters is that you notice these urges and are reflecting on them, which is a positive step toward handling them in a way that aligns with your values.

It also sounds like you care about your relationship and want to maintain respect for your girlfriend, which is really important. Acknowledging these feelings without acting on them shows restraint and commitment, and it’s okay to seek ways to cope with your urges in a safe, healthy manner. You’re not alone in having complicated emotions, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time while figuring out what works best for you.

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What can I do about it though?

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Hello @GuyTryingHisBest it might help to start by noticing when these urges come up, what triggers them, what emotions you’re feeling before or during (like stress, boredom, loneliness, or frustration). Sometimes, understanding the why behind an urge can make it easier to manage.

Finding healthy outlets can also help. Things like exercising, journaling, doing creative projects, or anything that keeps your mind engaged and your emotions grounded. If you can, try to talk to someone you trust, or even a counsellor or therapist who can guide you through these thoughts without judgment.

You’re already taking a brave first step by wanting to understand and deal with it rather than running away from it. That shows strength, not weakness.

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Hi @GuyTryingHisBest,

As your name says so, I can see that you are trying your best to be who you are. Even when you talked about “growing up, I built a strong moral compass for relationships”, it already shows you’re someone who’s lived by values, not impulse.

That line, “I feel sick in the head,” it reads like shame sitting right in your chest. it doesn’t sound like you’re proud of these urges; it sounds like you’re tired of fighting them alone.

You’ve carried this moral compass for so long that it probably feels disorienting to even admit you want something different. The loneliness in long-distance love can twist itself into hunger, and your body, not your values, took over to fill the quiet.

That’s what makes this current struggle so confusing and painful, you have built your compass around love and respect, yet the distance and the absence of warmth and closeness, the quiet acknowledgements, the daily connection, left you empty. And when the emotional part went quiet, your body tried to fill that void with physical gratification instead.

It’s not that your morals disappeared; it’s that your body was trying to find balance without the right kind of stimulants that bring emotional stability. When we’re connected with someone physically and emotionally, our brain releases a mix of chemicals that make us feel grounded. Dopamine (pleasure), oxytocin (bonding), serotonin (contentment), and endorphins (calm). But when connection is replaced with ■■■■ or fantasies, that full cycle gets disrupted. You still get the dopamine high, but you lose the oxytocin and endorphins that come from real closeness, so the mind feels good for a moment, and then emptier after.

Reading how you “lowkey acted on it” but stopped when the other person drew a line, that moment matters. It shows that your awareness is still alive, that something in you knows, this isn’t the path I want to keep walking. you’re not sick; you’re in conflict. The urge to make someone (my fwb) isn’t just lust, it’s a misplaced attempt to feel seen, chosen, desired again when you’ve been running on emptiness.

Right now, fighting the urge or moralising it will only make it harder for you to cope, but understanding what the urge is saying. When it comes, does it usually happen after a lonely night, or after tension with your girlfriend? That might tell you whether it’s craving for comfort or escape.

You did the right thing by naming it here. That’s already part of breaking the loop, shifting from acting to reflecting. What could help now is letting your girlfriend in, gently and honestly. Not in full detail about ■■■■ or urges yet, but in sharing that you’ve been struggling with disconnection and want to rebuild intimacy together, step by step. Connection doesn’t restart with grand gestures, it starts with small truths spoken calmly.

If you do struggle with the guilt or impulses get too strong, you can also reach out — Mindline 1771 or SOS 1-767. They’ll listen without judging or labelling to help you tide through these urges.

I want you to know; you’re not broken for having desire. You just need to learn how to give your body the right kind of connection, one that feeds your heart, not empties it.

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Thank you @FuYuan_Affections and @CozyCompanion for listening and replying to my problem, as i am going through a reflection phase I find myself not thinking about this when i doom scroll on social media or having other problems to worry about.

My best course of action right now is to talk to my girlfriend and avoid acting on these impulsive decisions

If these impulses ever came up what can i do to distract myself from it? Social media doesnt help with it because it brings soft ■■■■

I feel no motivation to exercise when i have these impulses what can i really do

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Hey, since Social Media is so readily accessible and triggering the urges, you have options to

  1. Uninstall the App.
  2. For every urge that it triggers, text your girlfriend and tell her how you feel.
  3. Take cold shower.
  4. Put on your walking shoes immediately, leave your mobile phone at home and just bring your house keys along and take a good long walk.

When you no longer feel the urge, write down your thoughts and ask yourself this.
Are these impulses helping you get closer to your goals and values in life?

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W advice I can do something now